Night Raid Watches RVB
by Mr. War
Summary: Inspired by "Night Raid Watches Death Battle", instead of finding Death Battle in the mystery box, Night Raid finds and watches the popular web series: Red vs Blue.
1. Chapter 1

In the TV that the infamous Night Raid assassins have discovered, Lubbock and Tatsumi were deciding on which show they would watch. Tatsumi has a case that's called Death Battle and Lubbock has one called Red vs Blue.

"So what are we gonna watch?" Leone spoke up from her seat as she has her alcohol with her.

"We're trying to pick one would be great and I suggested this one called Death Battle." Tatsumi replied as he held the case up.

"I picked this one cause it looked interesting." Lubbock added as he held the Red vs Blue case up.

The others were debating on what to watch, while Death Battle may be interesting to watch but Red vs Blue seemed more intriguing to find out. Soon Najenda asked Lubbock to play Red vs Blue, which he happily replied by putting the disk in the DVD and Tatsumi putting the Death Battle case back into the box.

Soon everyone got ready for the show to start as they seemed interesting to see it.

"Now we wait until the show starts, man I'm so hyped for this!" Lubbock grinned.

"Let's hope it's something worth our time." Mine scoffed as she doesn't get why this is a thing.

"Calm down Mine, I'm sure this might be an interesting experience." Sheele assured to her pink-haired friend.

"Plus it would prove beneficial to learn a lot on these shows for future battles as well." Bulat responded with a smile.

Soon, everyone quiet down as the show has already started and they were excited to see what this show is all about.

 _Red vs Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles Part 1._

 _Pan up from the ground and close in on two soldiers on top of a base, one clad in maroon armor, the other in orange._

"I'm guessing these are the Red Team guarding their base." Tatsumi said.

"Yes it is, but look at the armor they're wearing, it's pretty advanced." Leone pointed out.

"It would be very helpful to mass produced those armors for the Revolutionary Army." Najenda commented.

 **Simmons: Hey.**

 **Grif: Yeah?**

 _Cut to Simmons (maroon armor)._

 **Simmons: You ever wonder why we're here?**

 _Cut to Grif (orange armor)_

 **Grif: It's one of life's great mysteries isn't it? Why are we here? I mean, are we the product of some cosmic coincidence, or is there really a God watching everything? You know, with a plan for us and stuff. I don't know, man, but it keeps me up at night.**

Everyone blinked at Grif's speech until Mine commented, "That was..."

"Pretty deep for a soldier to think about life like that." Akame finished as she bit on a huge chunk of her meat.

"Now we're really interested in this show now." Bulat smiled.

 **Simmons: ...What?! I mean why are we out here, in this canyon?**

 **Grif: Oh. Uh... yeah.**

"That's a good question, why are they there?" Lubbock asked.

"Maybe their guarding something important." Sheele answered.

"Or something else if they forgot the job detail." Najenda added.

 **Simmons: What was all that stuff about God?**

 **Grif: Uh...hm? Nothing.**

 **Simmons: You wanna talk about it?**

 **Grif: No.**

 **Simmons: You sure?**

 **Grif: Yeah.**

 **Simmons: Seriously though, why are we out here? As far as I can tell, it's just a box canyon in the middle of nowhere. No way in or out.**

"Man, that's got to suck." Leone said as she chug down some alcohol.

"Yeah, being stuck in the middle of nowhere with no exit is really unpleasant." Bulat nodded in agreement.

 **Grif: Mm hmm.**

 **Simmons: The only reason that we set up a Red Base here, is because they have a Blue Base over there. And the only reason they have a Blue Base over there, is because we have a Red Base here.**

Now everyone were incredulous on how both bases of the Red and Blue team were somewhat close to each other.

"What kind of dumbasses would even think of putting two opposing bases next to each other?!" Mine exclaimed angrily.

"Whoever it is, they made a poor decision of building bases out in the open." Najenda sighed in disappointment.

 **Grif: Yeah. That's because we're fighting each other.**

 **Simmons: No, no. But I mean, even if we were to pull out today, and if they would come take our base, they would have two bases in the middle of a box canyon. Whoopdee-fucking-doo.**

"I guess these soldiers are preventing the other team from taking their base." Akame commented.

"But it seems so stressful from the way their talking about it." Sheele tilted her head.

"Well the work we do is stressing already." Lubbock shrugged.

 **Grif: What's up with that anyway? I mean, I signed on to fight some aliens. Next thing I know, Master Chief blows up the whole Covenant armada and I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere, fighting a bunch of blue guys.**

"Master Chief?" Tatsumi repeated.

"Probably a very strong soldier if he blown up an entire armada." Bulat responded.

"Someone with that kind of feat would be great to our cause." Najenda smirked at the aspect of gaining an ally that can do the impossible.

 _Zoom in on two soldiers, one wielding a sniper rifle and in cobalt armor, the other standing behind him in aqua armor._

"So this is the Blue Team, and they wear colored armor to symbolize on which side they fight for." Mine pointed out.

"Yeah and they must be spying on the Reds for anything useful to use against them." Akame added.

 _Cut to Tucker (aqua armor)._

 **Tucker: What're they doing?**

 _Church (cobalt armor) slowly turns around to face Tucker, lowering his rifle._

 **Church: (aggravated) What?**

"Heh, this reminds me of the times I bug shorty whenever she tested out Pumpkin." Leone grinned and making Mine frowned.

"Hey! You were distracting me, so don't put that incident up!" the pink sniper shouted back.

"I guess it does add the comedy for some funny moments." Lubbock chuckled.

 _Cut to Tucker._

 **Tucker: I said, "What are they doing now?"**

 _Cut back to Church, who is clearly frustrated._

 **Church: God damn, I'm getting so sick of answering that question!**

 _Cut to Tucker._

 **Tucker: (defensively) You have the fucking rifle, I can't see shit. Don't start to bitch at me because I'm not gonna just sit up here and play with my di-**

 _Cut to Church._

 **Church: (interrupting) Okay, okay, look... they're just standing there and talking, okay? That's all they're doing. That's all they ever do, is just stand there and talk. That's what they were doing last week, that's what they were doing when you asked me five minutes ago. So, five minutes from now, when you ask me, "What are they doing?" my answer's gonna be, "They're still just talking, and they're still just standing there."**

"He seems really tired of answering to his partner." Sheele commented.

"I don't blame him, he's close to losing his composure any second now." Bulat said.

 _Both fall silent._

 _Cut to Tucker._

 **Tucker: What're they talking about?**

 _Pause, cut to Church._

 **Church: You know what? I fucking hate you.**

"And I fucking hate you as well." Mine grumbled as she glare at the Lionelle user.

"I love you too." Leone replied nonchalantly.

 _Cut to Grif and Simmons._

 **Grif: Talk about a waste of resources. I mean, we should be out there finding new and intelligent forms of life. You know, fight them.**

"Or studying them so we can breed all sorts of animals." Najenda said.

"Or taste test them." Akame added with a drool.

"And negotiate with them to make an alliance to help us fight the corruption." Bulat finished.

 **Simmons: Yeah, no shit. That's why they should put us in charge.**

 **Sarge: Ladies, front and center on the double!**

 **Simmons: Fuck.**

 **Grif: Yes, sir!**

(End of episode)

As the episode was finished, everyone were now talking on their opinions on it and so far they were even more interested on finding out more about the show.

"Well that was an interesting experience." Najenda admitted.

"Yeah, but there's no action on it just talking." Leone pouted.

"Well it would help us understand what's going on without any mindless actions. But it seems interesting." Mine said.

"How about we continue watching it some more?" Sheele suggested.

Everyone all nodded at the purple-haired woman's idea and continued watching some more before heading back to work


	2. Red gets a Delivery

**DISCLAIMER: Me and Doctor Snivy (the author who wrote Night Raid Watches Death Battle) have collaborated to write this fic. Please go read his stories. :) I don't own Red vs Blue or Akame Ga Kiru, but the fic is mine.**

* * *

Everyone were now settling down as the next episode starts playing and everyone was excited on what happens next.

 _Pan out on Grif and Simmons, who are approaching another Red soldier (Sarge) clad in red armor._

 **Sarge: Hurry up, ladies. This ain't no ice cream social.**

"Ice cream social?" Sheele repeated in confusion.

"I don't know what an ice cream social is, but I can definitely want some ice cream." Mine muttered as she feels her sweet tooth acting up.

"Me too." Akame added as she wants some dessert soon.

 **Simmons: Ice cream social?**

 _Simmons and Grif exchange looks._

 _Cut to Sarge._

 **Sarge: Stop the pillow talk, you two. Anyone want to guess why I gathered you here today?**

"To go on a suicide mission?" Lubbock guessed.

"Shore leave perhaps?" Bulat added his suggestion.

"Or to be your awfully wedded wife." Leone finished with a grin, causing both boys to go green and Bulat blush.

 **Grif: Uh, is it because the war's over and you're sending us home?**

 **Sarge: (mockingly) That's exactly it, Private. War's over. We won. Turns out you're the big hero and we're gonna hold a parade in your honor. I get to drive the float, and Simmons here IS IN CHARGE OF CONFETTI!**

Everyone were now concerned about this man running the Red Team like a lunatic.

"Man, this guy is completely nuts." Tatsumi commented.

"And who would pick him as the leader of the Red Team anyways?" Najenda asked with a raised brow.

"Absolutely no idea." Akame answered blankly.

 **Grif: I'm no stranger to sarcasm, sir.**

 **Sarge: Goddamn it, Private! Shut your mouth or else I'll have Simmons slit your throat while you're asleep!**

Everyone widen their eyes in shock at the sudden death threat.

"Jeez, that escalated quickly!" Leone exclaimed.

"Yeah it was all a joke for one second and the next is serious death threat mode!" Lubbock added.

 **Simmons: Oh I'd do it, too.**

"Oh great, Simmons is like that obedient slave that follows orders without question now." Mine groaned and doesn't want the rookie to act like a love sick puppy if she's training him.

"Now things are starting to get weird really quick now." Bulat said with a slight sweatdrop.

 **Sarge: I know you would, Simmons. Good man. (Brief pause) Couple of things today, ladies. Command has seen fit to increase our ranks here at Blood Gulch Outpost Number One.**

"They're getting a new recruit?" Sheele asked.

"Let's hope he's not a country bumpkin like the one we have right now." Tatsumi went red at the pink sniper's comment.

"Hey!" Tatsumi protested but Mine ignored him and kept watching.

 **Grif: Crap. We're getting a rookie.**

 **Sarge: That's right, dead man. Our new recruit will be here within the week, but today we received the first part of our shipment from Command.**

 _Grif and Simmons exchange looks again._

 _Sarge turns towards a hill behind them._

 **Sarge: Lopez, bring up the vehicle.**

"They have a fourth person already!" Leone exclaimed in shock.

"Now it's soon to be five on two, which is a disadvantage to the Blue Team now." Akame added.

"Man, sucks for those guys." Lubbock commented in sympathy for the Blues.

 _A large, amour-plated, jeep-like vehicle comes over the rise with Lopez in the driver seat, who pulls up along side the Reds._

 **Simmons: Shotgun!**

 **Grif: Shotgun! (realizes he is too late) Fuck.**

Everyone were all chuckling or giggling at their antics while Mine and Najenda questioned the IQ that these grown men have.

 **Sarge: May I introduce our new, light reconnaissance vehicle.**

 _Camera closes in on the front of the vehicle and starts to move left, circling it._

"That's a pretty awesome vehicle." Tatsumi admitted as he gaze at the vehicle.

"And the machine gun on the back makes it capable of combat situations." Najedna added as she grinned at the aspect of having these combat vehicles.

"A lot more cooler then the horse carriages we have." Leone admitted.

 **Sarge: It has four inch armor plating, mag bumper suspension, a mounted machine gunner position, and total seating for three. Gentlemen, this is the M12 LRV! I like to call it the Warthog.**

 _Cut to Grif and Simmons._

 **Simmons: Why Warthog, sir?**

All of the members of Night Raid thought of the same thing.

 _Cut to Sarge._

 **Sarge: Because M12 LRV is too hard to say in conversation, son.**

 _Cut to Grif._

 **Grif: I know, but why Warthog? I mean, it doesn't really look like a pig.**

"It looks way too big for a pig, it's more likely a bull to me." Mine pointed out.

Akame was just daydreaming of steaks and bacon at the mention of pigs and bulls right now.

 **Sarge: (after a brief pause) Say that again.**

 **Grif: I think it looks more like a puma.**

Some of them kinda agreed to this.

 **Sarge: What in Sam Hell is a puma?**

Everyone all went silent once Sarge said that.

"How long has he been in the military?" Mine asked with a twitch in her eye.

"Long enough to retire or be sent to the nut house." Tatsumi answered.

 **Simmons: Uh, you mean like the shoe company?**

"Is there a shoe company named like that?" Sheele asked.

"There's no such thing Sheele." Najenda replied with a sigh.

 **Grif: No, like a puma. It's a big cat, like a lion.**

 **Sarge: You're making that up.**

"With him leading the Red Team, it's only a matter of time before they're defeated." Bulat said.

"Yeah and maybe he need his meds afterwards to get his brain straight." Lubbock added.

 **Grif: I'm telling you, it's a real animal!**

 **Sarge: Simmons, I want you to poison Grif's next meal.**

Akame paled at the thought of food being wasted away to murder someone is horrifying.

 **Simmons: Yes, sir!**

Now everyone in Night Raid wished they won't have to meet anyone that's similar to Simmons following Sarge's orders.

 **Sarge: (pointing at the front of the Warthog) Look, see these two tow hooks? They look like tusks, and what kind of animal has tusks?**

 _Cut to Grif._

 **Grif: A walrus.**

 **Sarge: Didn't I just tell you to stop making up animals?!**

"Those are real animals you old geezer!" Mine shouted in anger.

"And now there are some parts that might be annoying." Leone said.

"No kidding." Akame agreed.

 _Cut to a view of the Reds through the sniper rifle scope._

"And back to the Blues." Najenda commented.

"Let's see what is happening on their side." Bulat added.

 _Cut to Church, wielding the rifle, and Tucker, wielding a M6D pistol._

 **Tucker: What is that thing?**

 _Church lowers the rifle._

 **Church: I don't know, man. Looks like uh… looks like they've got some sorta car down there. We'd better get back to base and report it.**

 **Tucker: (taken aback) A car? How come they get a car?!**

 **Church: What are you complaining about, man? We're about to get a tank in the very next drop.**

"Tank?" Sheele repeated.

"Probably another vehicle, but more powerful than the Red's vehicle." Lubbock answered to her.

"I hope it's epic." Leone muttered in excitement.

 **Tucker: (disappointed) You can't pick up chicks in a tank.**

The girls twitched at how Tucker said that like an ungrateful pervert.

"I'm totally hating him now." Mine growled.

"But we have someone to fill that role." Leone grinned as she cracked her knuckles.

Lubbock paled in fright knowing what she meant and kept watching without looking at her.

 **Church: Oh, you know what? You could bitch about anything couldn't you? We're going to get a tank, and you're worried about chicks. What chicks are we gonna pick up, man? And secondly, how are you gonna pick up chicks in a car that looks like that?**

 **Tucker: (sighs) What kind of car is it?**

 **Church: (looking through the scope of the sniper rifle) I dunno, I've never seen a car like that before. It looks like a... uh... like a big cat of some kind.**

 **Tucker: ...What, like a puma?**

 **Church: Yeah, man, there you go.**

"Even the Blues agreed that it's a puma." Bulat commented.

"Yeah, puma seems alright for the Red's vehicle." Tatsumi nodded in agreement.

 _Cut to Red Team._

 **Sarge: So unless anybody has anymore mythical creatures to suggest as a name for the new vehicle, we're going to stick with the Warthog. How about it, Grif?**

 **Grif: No, sir. No more suggestions.**

 **Sarge: Are you sure? How 'bout Bigfoot?**

 **Grif: It's okay.**

 **Sarge: Unicorn?**

"Sounds stupid." Akame said bluntly.

"I don't know it sounds nice." Sheele replied.

 **Grif: No really. Uh, I'm cool.**

 **Sarge: Sasquatch?**

 **Simmons: Leprechaun?**

"Too ridiculous." Leone commented.

"Not intimidating as well." Mine added.

 **Grif: Hey, he doesn't need any help, man.**

 **Sarge: Phoenix?**

 **Grif: (sighs) Christ.**

 **Sarge: Hey Simmons, what's the name of that Mexican lizard? Eats all the goats.**

 **Simmons: Uh, that would be the chupacabra, sir.**

 **Sarge: Hey Grif, Chupathingy! How about that? I like it. Gotta ring to it.**

(End of episode)

"Well, that episode seemed... interesting." Tatsumi spoke up.

"Yeah and naming those vehicles was pretty dumb to be honest." Mine admitted.

"But they were interesting to have those against the Empire." Bulat suggested.

"True, let's watch another episode cause this is getting too good to learn new ideas." Najenda said.

Soon Lubbock grabbed the remote and quickly played the next episode to start playing.


	3. The Rookies

Once Lubbock pressed play for the next episode, everyone were now watching the next episode of Red vs Blue as they were interested of finding out more.

 _Simmons and Grif are on top of Red Base. A soldier in red armour (Donut) is walking up the ramp behind them._

 **Simmons: Hey, that's not exactly what happened.**

 **Grif: Yes, it is. You said "I'm not going to the Vegas Quadrant," and then the next thing I know you're in an escape pod headed for-**

 **Donut: Excuse me, uh, sirs.**

 **Grif: Sirs? (turns to Donut) Ah crap.**

 **Donut: I was told to report to Blood Gulch Outpost Number One and speak to whoever's in charge.**

"I guess this is the recruit for the Reds." Tatsumi commented.

"He seems kinda normal." Lubbock added.

"But not for long if Grif and Simmons starts pushing him around though." Leone responded.

 **Grif: Sorry man, Sarge is at Command getting orders. Ain't nobody in charge today.**

"Well somebody needs to be in charge when I'm away and these guys are lacking at this." Najenda frowned at their incompetence.

"And Grif doesn't give a damn about Sarge to make it funny and difficult to handle their situation." Mine added.

 **Simmons: Actually, Private, he left me in charge while he's gone.**

 **Grif: You are such a kiss-ass.**

"Kinda like Lubbock whenever he gets some privacy meetings with the boss." Leone snickered.

"Hey! I'm completely loyal to Najenda no matter what!" Lubbock protested.

"It's true, but at the same time funny." Akame giggled a bit.

 **Simmons: Also, he told me if I had any trouble from you I should... (clears throat then poorly imitates Sarge) "Git in the Warthog, and crush yer head like a tomato-can."**

"That was a horrible imitation." Mine commented with a cringe.

"Sounds like someone was really sick from the sound of it." Sheele added.

 **Grif: That's the worst impression I've ever heard.**

"That's what Mine just said already." Tatsumi stated.

 **Simmons: Okay rookie, what's your story?**

 **Donut: Private Donut reporting for duty, sir. I'm ready to fight some aliens.**

Everyone all paused in thought once the rookie said his name before they all burst out laughing.

"Donut? Who names their kid Donut?!" Leone cried out between laughs.

"It's an adorable name if he's really called that." Sheele giggled loudly.

Akame now wants a box of donuts for some reason after Donut introduces himself.

 **Grif: Couple things here, rookie. First off, Private Donut? I think somebody needs a new nickname. Secondly, what's with the armour colour?**

 **Donut: This IS the standard issue red.**

 **Grif: Yeah, I know. Listen. Only two kinds of people wear standard issue armour: officers and recruits. And since you're not threatening to gut me like a fish, you're probably not an officer.**

 **Donut: (looks at Simmons) Well, he's wearing red armour.**

 **Simmons: No, my armour is maroon. Your armour is red.**

"And Grif's armor is orange, why is it orange?" Tatsumi asked.

"I don't know, but he likes the color for some reason to define himself." Bulat answered.

 **Donut: Well, how do I get a different colour armour?**

 **Simmons: I bet the blues don't have to put up with this kind of crap.**

 _Church, Tucker, and a soldier in standard issue blue (Caboose) are looking at a tank._

"Looks like the Blues got a new recruit as well." Najenda commented.

"And look at the vehicle they have, that thing has some serious firepower!" Mine exclaimed as she pointed her finger at the tank.

"Oh yeah, that would definitely be very helpful to us if that thing cause some serious destruction." Leone grinned.

 **Caboose: So I say to the guy, "how're you gonna get the tank down to the planet?" And he goes, "I'll just put it on the ship," and I go, "if you've got a ship that can carry a tank, why not just put guns on the ship and use it instead?"**

"He looks kinda mentally challenged, but normal at the same time." Bulat inspected.

"Let's hope he isn't rude and perverted like the other guy." Leone said.

 **Tucker: Hey, kid.**

 **Caboose: Yeah?**

 **Tucker: You're ruining the moment. Shut up.**

"That's just rude man." Tatsumi frowned.

"Let's hope something bad happens to him soon." Akame muttered quietly.

 **Caboose: Oh. Okay. You got it man!**

 **Church: You know what? I could blow up the whole god damn world with this thing.**

"It could destroy a large Danger Beast or a platoon of soldiers with just a couple shots." Akame commented.

"That's very true and to also bulk up morale if we have those tanks in our hands." Najenda added with a sigh.

 _Cut to the Reds._

 **Simmons: Okay, Private Donut, here's the deal.**

 **Grif: I just refuse to call him Private Donut!**

"Come on Grif, it's really funny to say it." Lubbock said.

"Plus with a name like that, no one is going to take him seriously." Bulat added.

"But it's still worth the laugh." Tatsumi shrugged.

 **Simmons: We've got a very important mission for you. You think you can handle it?**

 **Donut: Absolutely!**

"He's going to be an errand boy for this." Mine guessed.

"Yeah and they'll probably treat him like one instead of being a brother in arms." Leone added.

 **Simmons: We need you to go to the store, and get two quarts of elbow grease.**

"Elbow grease?" Sheele said in confusion.

"They might use it for whatever reason they have." Bulat replied.

 **Grif: Yeah and uh, pick up some headlight fluid for the Puma too.**

"Guess they need fresh parts for that thing to keep going." Leone said.

"Well it would be useless if it's not taken care of properly." Mine responded back.

 **Donut: The what?**

 **Simmons: He means the Warthog.**

"Or a puma if you want it to be simple." Akame commented.

"I like the name Warthog, it sounds intimidating." Tatsumi stated.

"But it's kinda dumb when you say it." Lubbock replied.

 **Grif: You do know where the store is, right, rookie?**

 **Donut: What? Yeah, yeah, of course I do. Sure, no problem.**

 **Simmons: Well, get going then.**

 _Donut starts running across the base._

 **Grif: Other way.**

 _Donut turns around and goes the other way._

 **Donut: I knew that. Just got turned around that's all.**

"Are we sure he's faking it?" Leone asked.

"No." Everyone all said.

 _Grif and Simmons watch Donut running off into the Gulch._

 **Simmons: How long do you think until he figures out there's no store?**

 **Grif: I say... at least a week.**

"I think he'll figure it out very soon." Najenda spoke up.

"Yeah, there's no way he would figure it out in a week." Lubbock added.

 _Donut runs through the Gulch, stops, and turns to talk to himself._

 **Donut: Elbow grease.. How stupid do they think I am?**

"Well you kinda fell for it in the first place." Mine said.

"Not his fault he just wants to be their equal in this war." Akame shrugged.

"I feel bad for him being treated like that." Sheele commented.

 **Donut: Once I get back to base with that headlight fluid, I'm gonna talk to the Sergeant.**

"I doubt he'll listen to him, given his current mentality." Bulat commented.

"Yeah, he really needs some education on reality once he retires." Lubbock added.

 _Cut to the Blues._

 **Tucker: You know what? Forget what I said before. We can definitely pick up chicks in this thing. Probably two or three chicks a piece.**

"He's still going for the idea to pick up girls on that giant thing?" Mine raised her brow in disbelief.

"And he's making it even more disgusting." Akame said blankly.

"I may do some pick-up lines towards girls, but I don't use a giant ass vehicle to get them." Lubbock admitted before Leone punched him in the back of his head.

 **Church: Oh man, listen to you. What're you gonna do with two chicks?**

 **Tucker: Church, women are like Voltron: The more you can hook up, the better it gets.**

Most of the girls except Najenda were either glaring, growling or cracking their knuckles as they are starting to hate Tucker even more with his perverted acts, even though Lubbock is a perv himself at least he has some form of restraint of making comments like Tucker.

 _Cut to Grif and Simmons._

 **Simmons: You think that we were too mean to the kid?**

"Yeah Grif, do you have some form of sympathy at all to Donut?" Tatsumi asked the fictional character.

"Probably not." Najenda answered as she blew out a smoke from her cigarette.

"He's a jerk who doesn't care about anything besides himself." Sheele frowned at Grif's attitude.

 **Grif: Nah, he'll just wander around on the cliffs for a few hours. What's the worst that could happen?**

 _Donut approaches Blue Base._

 **Donut: Finally, there it is. ..Oh sweet! They sell tanks!**

(End episode)

"Well next episode is about to go down really hard." Lubbock said.

"And with Donut and the other guy, this show might add a lot more comedy." Akame added.

"But still, I want some epic action scenes to show up soon." Leone sighed with a pout.

Lubbock pressed play on the remote to head towards the next awesome episode of Red vs Blue.


	4. Head Noob in Charge

Everyone were all prepared on what happens next cause things will start going out of control very soon. Soon the episode starts playing.

 _Church, Tucker, and Caboose are standing next to the tank outside Blue Base._

 **Church: Yeah I'll let you in on a little secret, I've uh... I've actually got a girl back home.**

"Really? That's so sweet!" Sheele smiled as she clasp her hands together.

"I'm kinda proud of him since he's stuck with a bunch of idiotic teammates and enemies." Mine added.

"I bet his girlfriend is a total bombshell." Lubbock giggled lecherously before Leone punched him in the cheek.

 **Tucker: Oh yeah? Girlfriend or wife?**

 **Church: No, man, she's just my girlfriend, ya know? We were gonna get married, but I got shipped out... ah, you know how it works.**

"Aww!" Sheele and Mine gush at the romantic military moment.

"There are some soldiers in the Empire that kinda been through that kind of thing." Bulat noted.

"Sadly, they didn't make it to fulfill that dream of being married happily." Najenda added solemnly.

 **Tucker: Oh, well, you gonna marry her when you get back?**

 **Caboose: I'm not gonna get married. My dad always said, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"**

If record players exist then they would definitely hear the sound of a record screeching to a halt when they heard what Caboose had said.

"What did he say about his girlfriend?" Mine asked while her eye was twitching.

"I don't know but it's not that good." Akame replied while narrowing her eyes.

"This ain't going to end well." Tatsumi muttered quietly as he scooted back.

 **Church: Hey, rookie.. did you just call my girlfriend a cow?**

 **Tucker: No, I think he called her a slut!**

"If we find his dad, we'll start fucking him up badly." Leone growled as she cracked her knuckles hard.

"I'm sure we might have a pleasant 'chat' once we find him." Sheele added with a false smile on her face.

"I'm glad it's not me now." Lubbock muttered while letting out a breath of relief.

 **Church: I'll tell you what, noob, I could sit out here and listen to you insult my girlfriend all day long, but as it turns out, I got a lot more important job for you to do.**

"Let's hope it's not as tedious as Donut's assignment." Tatsumi said.

"I'm sure he has different plans for him." Mine responded.

 **Caboose: Great.**

 **Church: See, we've got this General.**

 **Tucker: Right, the General guy.**

 **Church: ...who likes to come by and make random inspections of bases. So what I'm gonna have you do, is I'm gonna have you go in the base, and stand right next to the flag at attention, just in case he decides to come by.**

Seconds passed for a bit before they finally realized why the Red and Blue Teams were fighting.

"The reason that they're fighting is for a bunch of stupid flags!?" Mine shouted in rage.

"That's extremely dumb." Akame said blankly.

"But I'm sure they'll be doing much more than capturing flags very soon." Najenda commented.

 **Caboose: When is he coming by?**

 **Tucker: We never know. Could be today, could be a week from now.**

 **Caboose: You want me to stand at attention for a week?**

"That's kinda stressful and boring." Lubbock said.

"Indeed and it's not pleasant." Bulat agreed.

 **Church: You know, you don't sound very grateful. This is the most important job at the whole base. You're gonna be right there with the flag.**

 **Caboose: What's so important about the flag?**

 **Church: Oh, come on, don't they teach you guys anything in training?**

 **Caboose: They didn't tell us anything about a flag. Why is it so important?**

 **Church: Because it's the flag, man, you know, it's the f... it's the flag, it's... Tucker, you tell him why the flag is so important.**

 **Tucker: Well... it's... it's complicated. Uh... It's blue, we're blue.**

"Uh huh, we get that Captain Obvious." Leone commented.

"But why do they really take each other's flags though?" Sheele asked.

"It's best not to answer that." Najenda responded.

 **Church: It's just important, okay? Trust us. So when the General comes by, the first thing he's gonna want to do is inspect the flag.**

 **Tucker: Right.**

 **Church: So just go in there, you know, far away from us, and wait for him.**

 _Caboose turns and heads for the base, but stops half way and turns around._

 **Caboose: Uh, how will I know when I see him?**

 **Tucker: There's only three of us out here, rookie. He's gonna be the guy that doesn't look like one of us.**

"He might be wearing a different kind of blue armor if he does show up." Tatsumi guessed.

"That may be true, but who knows if he actually shows up." Lubbock added.

"We'll just have to watch further to get our questions answered." Akame stated.

 **Church: Now get in there, and don't come out! (turns to Tucker) Man, that guy is dumber than you are.**

 **Tucker: You mean he's dumber than you are.**

 **Church: Wow, Tucker, that was a great come-back.**

 _Caboose emerges from the base with Church and Tucker in the distance._

 **Caboose: Uh, Mr. Church? Sir?**

"I guess he's feeling kinda sorry for saying that one offensive line from the start." Bulat commented.

"Yeah, he didn't seemed like the type to be a jerk and not apologize." Leone pointed out.

"But still, what his dad said just got me boiling to shoot him into oblivion." Mine grumbled.

 **Church: Oh my god, WHAT!? (turns to Tucker) Tucker, I swear, I'm gonna kill him!**

 **Caboose: Sorry about calling your girl a slut...**

 **Church: ROOKIE! SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP, YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY, GET IN THERE!**

"Come on man, he was just saying sorry!" Tatsumi exclaimed.

"Yeah! You don't have to be a goddamn bastard about it!" Lubbock added.

 **Tucker: (turns around to laugh) Uh-huh huh huh huh!**

 **Church: (turns around to face Tucker's back) Tucker, are you laughing at me?**

 _Donut steps up behind Church._

 **Donut: Excuse me, sir, can I ask you a question?**

 **Church: Dear God in Heaven, rookie, if I turn around, and you are not inside, I.. I can't be held responsible for what I'm gonna do to you!**

"Turn around you idiot!" Mine shouted.

"He's not going to." Najenda said.

"Man is this Church guy too stubborn to turn around or something?" Leone commented.

 **Donut: What did I do?**

 **Church: One...**

 **Donut: Aw, gimme a break.**

 **Church: TWO!**

 **Donut: Fine!**

 _Donut runs in the base and walks up to Caboose._

 **Caboose: Wow, you got here fast!**

 **Donut: Why is everyone so freakin' rude in this canyon?**

"They are a bunch of idiots that don't deserve to live." Mine grumbled darkly.

"Calm down Mine, I'm sure they might change that soon." Sheele assured to her friend.

 **Caboose: I'm not, sir. What can I do for you?**

"I guess none of them were informed of the Red Team getting a new guy." Lubbock noted.

"Yes and he thinks Donut is the general of the Blue Team." Bulat added.

"And I don't know if he's colorblind if he didn't notice Donut's armor color or not." Leone spoke up.

 **Donut: Finally, someone with a little respect around here.**

 **Caboose: Yes, sir! I assume you're here because of this... (turns toward the flag)**

 **Donut: Wait, is this all you have?**

 **Caboose: Uh, yes, sir. That's it!**

 **Donut: Aw man, this figures. Shit. What about elbow grease?**

 **Caboose: Uhmm...**

 **Donut: Headlight fluid?**

"No, they don't have all of those things." Akame answered.

"But he's not returning without something to take." Tatsumi said.

 **Caboose: No. All we have is this flag.**

 **Donut: Well, I can't go back empty handed. I guess I'll take that.**

 **Caboose: Sure, that makes sense. I guess.**

"I bet they'll be surprised and pissed at each other that they screwed up." Najenda commented to the Blue's mistake.

"I'm sure they will and they have to resort to that tank thing to get it back." Leone grinned.

 **Donut: (leaving with the flag) Man, they're gonna give me so much shit for coming back with just this stupid flag.**

"They give you a lot of things for a flag Donut." Akame pointed out.

"But still it's got to be worth something." Sheele added.

 _Cut to Church and Tucker._

 **Church: Well, enough gabbing out of us, let's take this bad boy out for a spin. Go ahead and hop in, Tucker.**

 **Tucker: Me? I can't drive that thing.**

 **Church: You're telling me you're not Armour Certified?**

 **Tucker:I ca- I don't even know how to use the fucking sniper rifle. Don't you know how to drive that?**

 **Church: No! ...Holy Crap! Who is running this army!?**

"Those who have no life." Mine answered with a huff.

"Or those with low IQ levels to throw away lives just for fun." Lubbock added.

 **Caboose: (emerging from the base) Hey! Just wanted to let you know the General stopped by and picked up the flag!**

 **Church: (to Caboose) Yeah! Okay! Whatever, moron! (to Tucker) Why would they give us a tank, if nobody here knows how to drive the damn thing? ...Wait a second... What did he just say?**

(End episode)

"Finally! We're about to get some action soon!" Leone exclaimed in relief.

"And who knows what kind of chaos they'll be throwing at each other." Bulat said

"Let's find out already, cause I want to see the tank in action." Najenda replied.

Lubbock wasted no time to pressed play for the next episode to start up.


	5. Package in the Open

**AN: Guest: I'm trying to make the chapters as long as I can, but the (earlier) RVB episodes themselves are too short to make them longer.**

 **Guest2: I thought about combining the episodes into one big chapter like Unknown Hero, but decided not too because I want my fic to be slightly different from his.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own either Akame Ga Kiru or RVB, however the fic is mine.**

* * *

Lubbock quickly pressed play and the episode has already started playing and everyone quickly paid attention.

 _Church, Tucker, and Caboose are standing on top of Blue Base._

 **Church: Let me get this straight.. You gave this guy our flag?**

 **Caboose: Is that bad?**

 **Church: Bad? Oh no, that's not bad. Next time he comes over, why don't you just help him blow up the whole goddamn base?**

"If you hadn't turned around then it wouldn't have happened in the first place." Mine grumbled.

"They really need a lot of work on being fully aware of situations like this." Akame commented.

 **Tucker: There, there he is.**

 **Church: (looking through the sniper rifle) Where? Oh, yeah, oh, I got him. He's sneaking around back behind the cliffs.**

 **Tucker: He must be one smart son of a bitch.**

"No, he's probably wandering around like a dehydrated traveler." Lubbock said.

"And kinda lost since they are fighting in a boxed canyon with their bases close to each other." Leone added.

 _Cut to Donut looking around the canyon._

 **Donut: Oh, man, I am so freakin' lost. Where the hell is the base?**

"Told ya." Leone stated before chugging down some alcohol.

"It's kinda funny to see him lost like that." Najenda chuckled.

"Yeah and Donut will start being a decent guy for us to like." Tatsumi smiled.

 _Cut to Church, Tucker, and Caboose._

 **Church: Oh, shit... Hey Tucker, look at his armour. It's red.**

 **Tucker: Oh man, that means it's their Sergeant.**

"They're mistaken Donut for Sarge." Sheele said.

"Yeah, they kinda have the same armor color but Donut doesn't have the senile personality of a bat crazy vet." Lubbock added.

"I wonder how they'll take care of Donut now." Mine wondered.

 **Church: Well, that makes sense. At least now we know how he got by our defenses.**

 **Caboose: Uh, you know.. he came in the back door where you guys were standing.**

"Yeah, it was an obvious approach after all." Leone reminded.

"But kinda effective if we have someone who can sneak in undetected." Bulat said.

"Yeah, he or she would definitely be useful in that sort of situation." Najenda sighed.

Somewhere, a certain orange-haired girl with a lollipop in her mouth suddenly sneezed when a few people mentioned her.

 **Tucker: Yeah, okay, well let's take him out then.**

 **Church: Roger that. Okay, say goodnight, Sarge.**

 _Cut to Donut as Church shoots four times but misses._

"WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK MAN!?" Mine screamed in total outrage.

"He missed four good shots and aimed a bit too far from Donut." Akame stated.

"Knowing how sensitive Mine is on snipers, this part really set her off." Lubbock informed before backing away from Mine.

 **Donut: (crouching) Son of a bitch!**

 _Cut to Church and Tucker._

 **Church: Aw crap.**

 **Tucker: ...**

 **Church: (turns to Tucker) ...What?**

 **Tucker: You're REALLY not very good with that thing, are you?**

"I guess he only used that sniper for scouting." Bulat said.

"And he didn't have time to practice using it either." Sheele added.

"I'll find this Church and kill him for giving us snipers a bad name!" Mine exclaimed as she motioned her hands to form some strangulation.

 _Cut to Donut._

 **Donut: (shouting at Blue Base while waving the flag) Hey! It's me! Don't shoot! I'm the guy that bought the flag, remember!?**

 _Cut to Tucker._

 **Tucker: Oh great, now he's taunting us. That's just embarrassing.**

"Embarrassing for you guys." Tatsumi corrected.

"Adding insult to injury to your dumb actions." Akame added.

 **Church: Alright, that's it, I've had it. Rookie, you stay here. Me and Tucker, we'll head through the teleporter, we'll cut him off at the pass.**

"They have a teleporter?" Sheele asked.

"It seems so, looks like they have the technology to teleport them to one section to another." Bulat stated with a thinking look.

"That would be very useful to get to our targets more quicker." Najenda sighed, knowing their technology has a long way.

 **Caboose: Right!**

 **Church: Tucker, you ready? Let's go.**

 **Tucker: There is no way I'm going through that thing.**

 **Church: Tucker, we don't have time for this. Why would they give us a teleporter if it doesn't work?**

 **Tucker: I don't know, why would they give us a tank that no one can drive?**

"Maybe you guys should've practice driving that thing instead of talking." Leone spoke up.

"I hope there's better characters in this show besides these idiots." Mine grumbled, still pissed at Church missing those shots.

"Or any female characters too." Lubbock giggled before Najenda socked him in the cheek.

 **Church: We already tested the teleporter, remember?**

 **Tucker: We threw rocks through it!**

 **Church: Yeah, and, so what? The rocks came out the other side, didn't they?**

 **Tucker: Yeah, but they were all hot and covered with black stuff.**

"Black stuff?" Sheele repeated.

"Since he did mention it's hot as well, it's likely the rocks were covered in soot." Bulat guessed.

 **Church: Oh, so I guess that's what this is all about then. You're afraid of a little black stuff.**

 **Tucker: Yes. I am. I am afraid of black stuff.**

"Pussy." Leone and Mine both spoke up.

"That's pretty pathetic man." Lubbock sweatdrop.

 **Church: Tucker, I almost hate to do this to you. (raising his gun at Tucker)**

 **Tucker: You wouldn't...**

 **Church: You know, I look at it this way: Either A, we go through there and get the flag back, or B, we stay here and I get to kill you. Either way, I win.**

"Please shoot him for that picking up chicks thing." Mine said in desperation as she wants Tucker gone.

"Come on man, just pull the trigger!" Leone whined.

"He's not going to." Tatsumi replied.

 **Tucker: For the record, I want you to know, rocks aren't people.**

 **Church: Duly noted. Now get in there.**

 **Tucker: Crap... Alright. One, two...**

 _Tucker runs through and doesn't appear on the other side._

Everyone were all waiting as well since they were tense if Tucker survived or not.

"How long until he pops out of the other side?" Sheele asked.

"I don't know, but let's hope he's still alive to wherever he's at right now." Najenda answered.

 **Caboose: ...Huh, he didn't come out the other side...**

 **Church: Yeeaahhh, I've uh- I've decided I'm not gonna use the teleporter.**

"Wuss!" Everyone except Bulat, Sheele and Najenda all shouted.

"Well, he didn't want to end up like Tucker and let the flag get away longer." Bulat responded.

 _Church runs off the base to chase Donut._

 **Church: Okay, rookie, you stay here! I'll be back with the flag!**

 _Cut to Simmons and Grif._

 **Simmons: I still have no idea what you're talking about. I didn't hear any shots.**

"Turn up your hearing bitch boy!" Leone shouted.

"How can he not hear those sniper shots?" Tatsumi asked.

"He was too busy talking to Grif to even hear them." Akame responded.

 **Grif: (sighs) I'm telling you, it was four shots. Like bam, bam, bam.**

"Wait, that's just three bams." Mine corrected.

 **Simmons: Wait a second, that's only three bams.**

"Wow, an echo." Lubbock whistled.

"Oh shut it." the pink sniper growled.

"It it kinda funny when you think about it." Sheele giggled.

 **Grif: Bam. (sees Church through a sniper rifle) Wait a second; we've got a Blue guy on the move out there.**

 **Simmons: Where's he headed?**

 **Grif: (looks to the left) Oh crap. It... It's Donut. And he's got something... (zooms in) It looks like... (sees that it's the Blue's flag)...Simmons, get the Warthog.**

"Well it's about time!" Leone exclaimed with a grin.

"Cue the ultimate chaos from yours truly, Grif and Simmons!" Najenda followed along.

"Oh boy." Tatsumi groaned, knowing the next episode is going to be hectic.

 **Simmons: Heh, you mean the Puma?**

 **Grif: Yeah, keep making jokes. That'll win the war.**

(End episode)

Before anyone made a move, Leone quickly snatched the remote and pressed play without giving anyone time to speak.


	6. 121 Giga-Whats?

Leone quickly snatched the remote and pressed play as she couldn't contain the excitement of action coming. Soon the episode quickly plays where the last one left off.

 _Cut to Church running up to Donut with his gun pointed at him._

 **Church: Freeze!**

 **Donut: Hey, why the hell are you shooting at me?! You coulda hit me, dick!**

"Well the Blues were killing you because you are on the enemy team." Mine corrected.

"I guess Grif and Simmons didn't informed him about the Blue Team killing them." Bulat said.

"They are the worse if they forgot to inform Donut about stuff." Lubbock commented.

 **Church: Can it. Don't try to play stupid with me, Sarge. I know who ya are. We've been spying on you for three weeks now.**

"He thinks Donut is Sarge, but he's really not." Tatsumi stated.

"Well they kinda do wore the same armor." Sheele added.

"And they spied on him for three weeks? Man the Blues have no life on this canyon." Leone said.

 **Donut: I just got here two hours ago. And I'm not a Sergeant, I'm a Private.**

 **Church: Wait a minute, you're not the Sergeant!**

 **Donut: Yeah, that's what I just said.**

 **Church: Well then how the hell did you manage to steal our flag?**

"He had the other blue guy let him take it." Akame replied.

"And it's technically not stealing if someone lets you take it." Najenda commented.

 **Donut: Steal? I have no idea what the hell you're talking about!**

 _Tucker comes out of the teleporter between them and now has black armour._

 **Tucker: Three!**

 **Church: JESUS!**

"HOLY CRAP!" Some of the younger members cried out in surprise.

 **Donut: HOLY SHIT! Who is this guy?**

 **Church: What in the hell!? Tucker? Is that you?**

 **Tucker: How did you get up here ahead of me?**

 **Donut: And what's with that black shit on your armor?**

"One, ow my heart and two, it's soot you idiot." Mine muttered.

"That really surprised me when he came out of that teleporter." Tatsumi said as he calmed his heart down.

 **Tucker: Hey! Freeze, Sarge!**

 **Donut: Would you stop calling me a Sergeant, I'm still just a Private.**

 **Tucker: The Sarge is still a Private? Oh. My. God. The teleporter sent me back in time.**

Some of them just facepalm at Tucker's absent-minded stupidity.

 _Cut to Grif and Simmons getting in the Warthog which has Tejano music playing._

"What's up with this music?" Mine asked as she never heard this kind of music before.

"I don't know, but I kinda like it." Sheele replied.

"Well I guess some people are cultural when it comes to taste in music from there." Najenda said.

 **Grif: Sorry Lopez, we need the jeep.**

"Yeah, we need to save Donut before the Blues fuck him up." Leone added.

"So, this is an urgent emergency." Bulat commented.

 **Simmons: I'll take gunner. (takes gunner position) Let's roll.**

 **Grif: How do you turn off the fucking radio in this car?**

"That thing has a built-in radio?" Sheele asked.

"Yes, and it can't be too bad if you play some music." Akame said.

"Indeed, it's sometimes good for relieving stress." Bulat agreed.

 **Simmons:(calls out as they drive off) Don't worry Lopez, I'll bring her back in one piece.**

 _Cut back to Church, Tucker, and Donut_

 **Tucker: Look, I know you don't know me, but you have to believe what I'm about to tell you. Some time in your future I get stationed here in Blood Gulch, and we meet. And this guy here, he gets promoted to Sergeant of the Red Army, and we spy on them. And they get this new jeep, and I'm all like, "There is no way you can pick up chicks in a tank!"**

Everyone couldn't help but sweatdrop at Tucker's long explanation.

 **Church: Tucker? What the fuck are you babbling about?**

"Complete nonsense that doesn't make any sense." Akame answered.

"Plus I couldn't understand anything at all from his entire speech." Lubbock added.

 **Tucker: I know all this sounds crazy, but he eventually becomes a Sergeant, and then one day we get a tank, and he comes and steals our flag while we're distracted.**

 **Donut: Is this guy a retard?**

"Yes." Mine nodded.

"On some parts." Leone added.

 **Church: (Warthog's music gets progressively louder as he speaks) Red? Shut up. Tucker? Listen to me. Ya haven't gone back in time, okay? This IS the guy who stole the flag, he's just not the Sergeant. Turns out he's just some dumb rookie who happens to have the same color armor as him. He got in somehow, just... for God's sake! WHAT IS THAT MUSIC!?**

"That's the sound of trouble coming your way." Tatsumi said.

"And Donut's rescue." Bulat added.

 _Warthog jumps over the hill right by Church._

 **Grif: Woohoo!**

"Time for some mayhem!" Leone cheered.

"This will not end well for the Blues." Najenda commented.

"Yep, they dug their own graves when they attacked Donut." Lubbock agreed.

 **Tucker: Holy shit!**

 **Church: Son of a bitch! Run! Jesus! Run!**

 **Tucker: The jeep followed me back in time!**

 _Grif hops out of the Warthog as Simmons yells and fires at Church and Tucker as they run away._

 **Church: Ow! Git! Ow! Git! Ow, ow!**

 **Simmons: (in background)That's right! That's right, I got your ass! Get off your ass and run, you cock bites! Right now! Yeah, not so pretty when you gotta run are you! Yeah, that's right! Stay there! You know where your flag is? We're gonna get you! Come on! Don't be a wimp! Come on, Blue! Come on, get out there! I've got a whole barrel of love to shoot you with! Come on! Get out now! Yeah, come on out! I know you like this! Come out where I can get you! Come on! Don't be a wimp! Come on, Blue! Be tough, get out there!**

"That's the longest mockery talk we've ever heard in our lives." Lubbock blinked.

"Not his fault that he's trigger happy to kill the Blues." Akame responded.

"Kinda like me whenever I'm on missions." Sheele quietly muttered.

 **Grif: What the hell is going on here?**

 **Donut: You know what? I honestly have no idea what's going on. I think everyone in this canyon is absolutely insane.**

"Yeah, everyone is crazy about murder, rape and greed here." Najenda spoken up.

"I would headshot all of them to make sure they don't show up here." Mine said.

"That's a bit overkill." Tatsumi sweatdrop.

 **Grif: How did you get the flag?**

 **Donut: I don't know, I just asked for it.**

 **Grif: Wait, that worked?**

 **Donut: I guess. Is it not supposed to?**

 **Grif: I don't know, we… never even thought to try that. Just take the flag to the base, I'll explain there.**

"Yeah, we want to know what's important about some flags!" Leone exclaimed.

"Maybe it's something important to have those flags." Sheele answered.

"I don't think it's that important for the flags, Sheele." Bulat said.

 **Donut: Not until someone tells me what the fuck is go-**

 **Grif: There's no time to explain, rookie! Just take the flag, and go to base! I'll explain everything there.**

 **Donut: Fine!**

 **Donut starts running through the Gulch.**

 **Grif: (scoffs) Back to our base, dumbass!**

 **Donut: Uh, I know. I just got turned around, that's all.**

"Or you did it on purpose again." Najenda commented.

"He might have some bad sense of direction." Akame muttered.

"Maybe." Mine hummed.

 _Cut to Caboose looking at Church and Tucker through the sniper rifle._

 **Caboose: Oh man, that's not good. (looks from Church and Tucker to the Warthog) Oh my god, that jeep has a really big gun. (puts down the sniper rifle and looks back and forth)Stay here... Tank... Stay here... Tank... ..Ah, screw it. (runs off to the tank)**

"Oh shit, the tank's going to be brought out now." Leone grinned.

"How much damage does that thing do?" Sheele asked.

"Probably a huge amount of damage." Tatsumi guessed.

 _Cut to Church and Tucker behind a rock with Simmons firing and yelling at them._

 **Simmons: (in background) Yeah, get going! Take that! I know you like that there! Come out! Come here! Poke your head up! Come on, Blue! Get your head out there!**

 **Church: Well, we'll just wait here. That thing's gotta run outta bullets some time.**

(End episode)

Everyone were all silent for a moment before they all had one thought in mind.

' _Looks like the heavy guns are being pulled out now_ ' They all thought.

Leone quickly pressed play, as she wants to see more of the action playing.


	7. Check out the Threads on that Tank

As Leone pressed play for the next episode, they see the two Blues are still on the rock.

 _Church and Tucker are behind a rock with bullets hitting the canyon wall behind them._

 **Church: My god, doesn't that thing ever run out of bullets?**

"How much bullets did that thing fired?" Mine asked.

"Probably a lot, cause I can't count how much because of the rapid fire." Bulat answered.

"But to us, having to fire a shit ton of ammo without reloading is a godsend to us!" Leone cheered as she imagined peppering Imperial soldiers with an endless hailstorm of bullets.

 **Tucker: You know, in hindsight, we should have brought the tank.**

 **Church: Hey, Tucker, what good is a tank gonna do us if nobody here knows how to drive it?**

 **Tucker: Yeah, I can see how hiding behind a rock is a much better strategy.**

"Oh don't worry, your other friend is about to get the tank right now." Najenda assured to the fictional character's dismay.

"Yeah, we kinda wanna know how those vehicles work if we're going to use them against Honest." Lubbock said.

 **Church: Well, yeah, but... oh man, I guess I gotta give that one to ya.**

 _Cut to Caboose hopping in the tank. As the canopy closes, the tank turns on._

 **Tank: Hello, and thank you for activating the M808V Main Battle Tank. You may call me Sheila.**

"It talks? I didn't know vehicles are people." Sheele tilt her head in confusion.

"I'm guessing these vehicles have a special system that allows you to have a program in the vehicle to help you out." Akame stated.

"But it's kinda creepy if you have a strange voice in the thing." Tatsumi commented.

 **Caboose: Hello. Sheila. Big tank lady.**

 **Sheila: Would you like me to run the tutorial program?**

"Tutorial?" Some of them repeated.

"It's probably another word for practice." Bulat guessed.

"Well since he doesn't have any experience driving that thing, he's going to need it to help his friends." Najenda stated.

 **Caboose: Oh, that'd be very nice. Thank you.**

 **Sheila: Tutorial program activated. This program is intended to instruct non-certified personnel in the use of this Scorpion class tank. Let's begin with some driving.**

"Okay so this part will help you try to control how it moves where you want it to go." Najenda inspected.

"Yeah, that would be difficult if you try to move that thing if it crashes into stuff." Mine said.

"Or crushing anything underneath it." Akame added.

 **Caboose: Okay.**

 _Cut to Simmons firing the Warthog's gun with Grif on the ground behind him._

 **Grif: Simmons. SIMMONS!**

 _Simmons stops firing, and steps down._

 **Grif: Man, that thing is loud.**

 _Sheila drives by in the background._

 **Simmons: ...WHAT?**

"Dude, you stopped firing there's no need to speak up loudly." Lubbock pointed out.

"He's trying that just to get under Grif's skin anyways." Bulat commented.

 **Grif: Come on, let's sneak around the back of the rock and get 'em out.**

 **Simmons: OKAY.**

"Keep it down you idiot!" Mine hissed in irritation.

"The Blues are going to find out in an instant." Akame said.

"And the other Blue is almost done with the driving tutorial as well." Sheele added.

 **Grif: Keep it down! Jesus. Let's go, before they figure out what's going on.**

 _Cut to Caboose having Sheila stranded on a tall rock and turning to try to get off._

"Looks like somethings wrong." Tatsumi noted.

"I wonder what's happening." Bulat wondered.

 **Sheila: Now that you've mastered driving the M808V, let's move onto some of the safety features.**

 **Caboose: No, no, wait, go back! Why are there six pedals if there are only four directions?**

"Why does it have two extra pedals if there are four directions to move?" Sheele asked.

"They probably need those extra pedals to move at a different angle for the tank to move at." Akame guessed.

 _Cut to Church peeking out from the side of the rock. Tucker is still standing behind it._

 **Church: (whispering) Psst, hey, they stopped firing.**

"And now they decided to do the opposite of what Simmons did." Najenda deadpanned.

"Yeah, talking really quiet like they're on a stealth mission or something." Leone added.

 **Tucker: Why are you whispering?**

"To make sure Grif and Simmons don't listen to their plans." Mine answered.

"And making a break for it once the Reds get off of the Warthog." Lubbock added.

 **Church: (whispering) Uhm... I don't know.**

 _Cut to Simmons and Grif standing at the foot of a cliff._

 **Grif: Aw, crap, I don't think we're gonna be able to get around this way.**

"Lazy asshole." Leone said blankly.

 **Simmons: Tell me again, uh, why did we get out of the jeep?**

"To kill all the Blues when you get the chance?" Lubbock asked.

"Or to fool around to waste a crap ton of ammunition at a rock." Najenda replied.

 _Sheila rolls up right behind them._

"Uh-oh, looks like they're screwed once the tank starts going all attack mode." Tatsumi said.

"And Grif and Simmons don't notice it yet." Akame added.

 **Grif: Well, I guess it was this or sit there and watch you shoot rocks all day long.**

 _Sheila's turret looks at Grif, then at Simmons as they speak._

 **Simmons: Well, at least that was fun.**

"Yeah, it was fun to make your enemies cower while you unleash a hail of lead at them." Leone sighed.

"Agreed, and it's not fun when something unexpected happens afterwards." Mine agreed.

 _Grif and Simmons turn simultaneously to see the tank._

 **Grif: Holy CRAP. What in God's name is that thing?**

"Your executioner." Najenda stated with a smirk.

"And the one weapon that will destroy the Red Team." Sheele added.

 _Cut to Church and Tucker looking at the vacant Warthog._

 **Church: Tucker, don't be stupid. They're just trying to draw us out.**

 **Tucker: No they're not, look - they left the jeep. They're gone.**

 **Church: Well, I don't know about this. It seems pretty fishy, but... alright screw it, let's go get it.**

"Now the tables are starting to turn against the Reds." Bulat commented.

"Yeah with the Blues operating the tank and the Warthog, the Red Team is about to be screwed up big time." Lubbock added.

 _Cut to Sheila's HUD. Her cross hair slowly homes in on Grif's head._

 **Grif: Dude, hold still. I don't think it sees us.**

A tone goes off indicating target lock.

"Oh boy." Everyone all said.

 _(From an earlier version of the episode.)_

 **Narrator: Coming up on Red vs. Blue: You've watched them for seven episodes. But next week, the unthinkable! Someone. Will. Die!**

 **Sarge: ...I sure hope it's Grif.**

(End episode)

After the episode, everyone all started chatting about what will happen.

"Someone is really going to die in this show?" Sheele asked in worry.

"Well it is about to happen and we've seen death a lot of times. But, who's going to die next episode?" Lubbock added.

"Let's find out, cause we're not getting any answers just by talking." Najenda responded.

Leone pressed play, knowing it will be an anti-climatic death next episode.


	8. Don't Ph34r the Reaper

Leone pressed play as everyone was starting to get anxious about someone dying and they saw Grif and Simmons with Shelia pointing her turret at them.

 _Sheila's turret is pointed at Grif, then it turns to Simmons._

"Alright which one will Shelia shoot first?" Leone asked as she was slowly leaning to the screen.

"Kill Grif, he's a bastard." Tatsumi said.

"Simmons is an ass kisser to Sarge, kill him first." Mine added.

 **Grif: Why is it just sitting there?**

 **Simmons: Just trying to mess with our heads. Let's get back to the Warthog.**

"Yeah good luck with that." Lubbock said.

"It's only a matter of time before the tank starts shooting." Sheele added.

 _Cut to Sheila's HUD._

 **Sheila: This tank is equipped with an auto-fire sequence that can be activated by pressing the auto-fire button.**

 **Caboose: Auto-fire, auto-fire, here, here! No, wait... okay, that's more a switch than a button...**

 **Sheila: (in the background) This will end the tutorial, and should only be activated if proper safety procedures-**

"He doesn't care about that, he needs to fire that thing quickly." Najenda stated.

"And the Reds are trying to escape before it starts shooting." Bulat added.

 _Cut to Simmons and Grif._

 **Simmons: Okay, you ready? Let's do this on three. One...**

 **Grif: Wait. On three? Or three and then go?**

 **Simmons: On three. It's always faster to go on three.**

"Wouldn't it be better if they just say go?" Mine asked.

"Nah, doing it makes the tension dull." Najenda replied.

 **Grif: Okay, okay. On three.**

 _Cut to Sheila's HUD._

 **Caboose: Here! (click)**

 **Sheila: Tutorial deactivated. Auto-fire sequence activated.**

"What does that mean?" Sheele asked in worry.

"I'm guessing it's now going to fire repeatedly." Bulat answered.

"And it's the perfect chance to run before it fires now." Akame added.

 _Cut to Simmons._

 **Simmons: Ready?**

 _Cut to Sheila's HUD._

 **Sheila: Acquiring target.**

 _Cut to Church and Tucker._

 **Church: I'm going for the jeep. Cover me.**

 _Cut to Simmons and Grif. Grif is backing away._

"Oh, looks like Grif decided to be a pussy now." Leone scoffed.

"Or he might be trying to reach the Warthog." Tatsumi assured.

"True, but he's still a cowardly pussy anyways." Najenda shrugged.

 **Simmons: One...**

 _Grif turns around and starts running away. The view cuts to Sheila's HUD, her crosshair following Grif._

"Come on Sheila, kill that asshole!" Mine cheered.

"That thing is really taking it's sweet time to lock on targets." Lubbock said.

 **Sheila: Target acquired.**

 _Cut to Grif running._

 **Grif: (panting heavily) Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit...**

"Fatass." Akame said bluntly.

"All that talking and not doing anything has made him really out of shape." Bulat commented.

"He really needs to work out a lot." Tatsumi sweatdrop at Grif's lack of stamina.

 _Cut to Simmons._

 **Simmons:Two...**

 _Cut to Sheila's HUD locking onto Grif._

 **Sheila: Target locked.**

 _Cut to Church running toward the Warthog. He's panting loudly._

"He's out of shape too?" Sheele asked.

"Almost everyone in this canyon is out of shape." Mine responded bluntly.

"Let's hope the later seasons have a lot more action and fit people than these losers." Leone commented.

 _Cut to Simmons._

 **Simmons: Three! (turns around and sees Grif running away) Oh, you back-stabbing cock bite!**

Everyone all laughed at Simmon's misfortune and the name he gave to Grif.

"HAHAHAHA! Cock bite?!" Leone laughed out loud.

"Oh man I will call guys that when I get the chance!" Lubbock exclaimed as he was holding his stomach.

 **Sheila: Firing main cannon.**

 _Sheila fires and blows up the Warthog right in front of Grif._

"So close to hitting Grif." Najenda said.

"But it badly damaged the Warthog instead." Akame added.

 _Cut to Simmons._

 **Simmons: (crouches next to Sheila) Son of a bitch!**

 _Cut to Grif._

 **Grif: SON OF A BITCH!**

 _Cut to Church._

 **Church: (near the explosion) Son of a bitch!**

 **Sheila: Firing main cannon.**

"Now it's a game of not getting hit by the tank now." Tatsumi commented.

"Yeah and the 'son of a bitch' line is gonna be a running gag from now on." Bulat added.

"Indeed, whenever something big is happening." Sheele nodded.

 **Simmons: Shit!**

 _Sheila fires._

 **Simmons: (indecipherable)**

 **Sheila: Firing main cannon.**

"How long until Sheila stops firing?" Lubbock said.

"Maybe when it's out of ammo?" Mine replied.

"Remember the Warthog, that thing just spat out who knows how much ammo that turret had." Leone reminded.

 **Simmons: Dammit!**

 _Sheila fires._

 **Sheila: Firing main cannon. (fires)**

 _Cut to Church running back up to meet Tucker._

 **Tucker: Hey dude, the jeep blew up.**

"Thanks, Captain Obvious for the reminder." Najenda rolled her eye.

 **Church: No kidding. Thanks for the update, Tucker.**

 _Cut to Grif and Simmons hiding behind a rock._

"Now the tank is firing at them now." Akame commented.

"I bet they're arguing again." Tatsumi said.

 **Sheila: Firing main cannon. (fires, hits the rock)**

 **Simmons: (mocking Grif) Hey, I have a GREAT idea. Let's get out of the jeep and sneak around the back of the rock.**

 **Sheila: Firing main cannon. (fires, hits the rock)**

 **Simmons: Great plan, you idiot!**

Everyone all chuckled at this.

 _Cut to Sheila's HUD looking over the rock._

 **Sheila: All targets eliminated. Acquiring new target.**

"I wonder what the new target is?" Sheele asked.

"Something that'll make him feel regret soon." Bulat guessed.

 _Her crosshair starts panning up and to the left._

"It's pointing at the cliff now." Lubbock said.

That's when they realized that Church and Tucker are on it.

"Oh shit, that thing is going to hit one of them!" Leone exclaimed.

 _Cut to Church and Tucker with Church standing in the open looking down at the tank._

 **Church: Hey, Tucker, look at this, man - it's the rookie! And he brought the tank out to scare off the reds.**

 **Tucker: What? No way!**

 **Church: Hey, rookie! Good job, man! Why didn't you tell us you knew how to drive the tank?**

 **Sheila: New target acquired. (spinning turret around to aim at Church)**

"Church, get out of the way or else it's going to kill you!" Mine shouted.

"He can't hear us and he's too ignorant to realize the tank is aiming at him!" Lubbock replied.

 _Cut to Sheila's HUD, her crosshair slowly panning up the cliffside at Church._

 **Caboose: That's not a target. That's Church!**

Everyone were now worried as they knew someone was dying and that someone was Church.

 **Church: Yeah, that's right, it's me, Church! What's going on, man?**

 **Sheila: (locking on to Church) Target locked.**

Everyone all leaned in anticipation for the climatic end of Church.

 _Cut to Caboose in the driver's seat._

 **Caboose: What!? No! Target unlock! Unlock! Please help me, nice lady!**

"It's hopeless and it's already on the verge of firing." Bulat shook his head.

"At least he lived a pretty normal life before this insane series started." Najenda added.

 _Cut to Sheila._

 **Sheila: Firing main cannon.**

 _Cut to Caboose._

 **Caboose: Uh oh...**

 _Cut to Tucker._

 **Tucker: Uh oh...**

 _Cut to Church._

 **Church: What? ..Oh, son of a bi-**

 _Church is shot and launched into the air. His body hits the rock face and lands back on the ledge. Cut to Tucker._

 **Tucker: Holy fuck! Church, are you okay? Talk to me! Church!**

"How did he not get blown into pieces?" Mine asked.

"Probably the armor as it protected him from the serious impact of the hit." Akame inspected.

 _Cut to Sheila. Tucker is visible on the cliff in the distance as he yells at Caboose._

 **Tucker: You shot Church, you team-killing fucktard!**

"We'll definitely be calling each other that if one of us is trying to team kill." Najenda commented.

"Let's hope Mine doesn't kill the rookie when they're together." Leone snickered.

Mine and Tatsumi just blush in embarrassment when Leone mentioned them.

 **Sheila: Auto-fire sequence deactivated.**

 **Church: (dying) Tucker! ...T-Tucker!**

 **Tucker: Church! It's going to be okay, man.**

 **Church: No. Ah... I'm na-I'm not gonna make it. Tucker... there's something I need to tell you.**

 **Tucker: What is it?**

 **Church: I just want you to know.. I always hated you. I always hated you the most.**

"I hate you too as well Tucker." Mne said in disdain.

"Yeah, the pick up chicks in tank part has gotten a negative point for him." Sheele added.

"Perv." Akame stated bluntly.

 **Tucker: Yeah, I know you did. Now hurry up and die, you prick.**

"Wow, so rude Tucker." Lubbock deadpanned.

"Maybe next time he should die instead of Church." Tatsumi glared.

 **Church: Okay. Herk!...Bleah...**

(End episode)

"I feel bad that Church died, he has a girlfriend to marry." Sheele said.

"Oh yeah forgot about that, man that was hectic." Lubbock sighed.

"Let's take a break for a while before we watch some more cause I feel like blowing off some steam." Leone suggested.

Everyone all stretched for a bit before they left the TV Room to do some things before they watched some more.


	9. After Church

After they took a stretching break, all of the Night Raid members took a long bathroom break before they came back to the TV Room with replenished snacks and drinks. Najenda decided to use the remote and pressed play to where they left off from.

 _Simmons and Grif run up the ramp onto the Red Base where Donut is waiting with the flag._

 **Donut: What happened?**

 **Grif: (panting heavily) Big... Tank... Shooting... Whooooh!**

"Why is he out of breath?" Lubbock asked as he rose a brow.

"Maybe they ran all the way back to their base after the tank attacked." Bulat inspected.

 **Simmons: Damn, man, we only ran like three hundred feet. You are really out of shape.**

"Grif is out of shape on most parts since he's fat." Mine scoffed.

"Well running three hundred feet can be tiring for us as well." Najenda pointed out.

 **Grif: (still panting) Fuck... You...**

Everyone all laughed at Grif's exhausted curse.

 **Donut: Where's your car?**

 **Simmons: General Patton here had a great strategy to leave it behind.**

"Good idea of leaving that cool thing behind genius." Leone rolled her eyes.

"Well the tank showed up and started wrecking everything so it was either that or die." Tatsumi noted.

 **Grif: Hey, it would have worked if that tank hadn't shown up.**

 **Donut: You lost the jeep? Oh man, Lopez is gonna be pissed. Where is it?**

 _The Warthog suddenly flips up on the base from below by an explosion, landing between Donut and the other two. The camera cuts to a different angle to reveal Sheila in the background._

"How did it got up there?" Sheele asked.

"I think Sheila launched it with her cannon fire." Akame answered.

"And that other guy, Lopez, will be pissed to see it badly damaged." Lubbock added.

 **Grif: What the hell..!?**

 _Sheila fires._

 **Grif: SON OF A BITCH!**

 **Donut: Oh crap! (picks up the flag) What the hell is that thing?**

 **Grif: (crouching next to the Warthog) That's the tank!**

 **Donut: Hey uh, Grif, uh, you wanna hold the flag for a little bit?**

 _Sheila fires._

 **Grif: No, keep that away from me!**

"Come on Grif, it's not like it's cursed or anything." Mine commented.

"He doesn't want to risk being a target for Sheila anyways." Najenda stated.

 _Cut to Caboose in Sheila with Tucker beside them. Sheila fires._

 **Tucker: Why do you keep firing at the jeep?**

 **Caboose: Because it's locked on!**

 **Sheila: Target locked.**

 **Tucker: Well, unlock it.**

 **Caboose: Last time I unlocked it, I KILLED CHURCH!**

"Oh right, Church died last episode." Tatsumi winced slightly at Church's death.

"He wasn't in control of the tank's shooting so it wasn't his entire fault." Bulat said.

 **Tucker: Oh, right... keep shooting the jeep then.**

 _Cut to Donut._

 **Donut: I hate to be the one to point this out guys, but I think we're screwed.**

Everyone all nodded at the statement.

 _Sheila fires._

 **Simmons: Yeah. I have to agree with the rookie on this one.**

 _Radio sounds._

 **Sarge: (on radio, from a Pelican dropship) Blood Gulch Outpost Number One. Come in, Blood Gulch Outpost, come in. Do you read me? This is Sergeant-**

 **Grif: Oh my god, Sarge, is that you?**

"Oh boy, here comes the mentally challenged soldier." Lubbock sighed.

"Let's hope he's useful in this episode." Leone said as she's eager to see some action take place.

 **Sarge: Roger that, Private. I am currently in-bound to your position from Command.**

 **Simmons: Sir, (Sheila fires in the background) this is Simmons.**

 **Sarge: Hello, Simmons. I hope everything's gone alright while I've been gone.**

 **Grif: Actually, sir, things are kind of hectic right now. The new rookie arrived, and somehow he managed to (Sheila fires in the background) infiltrate the Blue Base, and now we have their flag, the Warthog is damaged, one of their (Sheila fires in the background) guys is dead, and there's this huge fucking tank about to destroy our base.**

 **Sarge: (radio sounds) ... (more radio sounds) ...Am I talkin' to the right base?**

"I guess their radio has a lot of interference or broken without any repairs." Bulat sweatdropped.

"They better have good equipment after they're done cause they'll be screwed without anything new in their hands." Mine commented while eating a parfait.

 **Grif: Sarge, (Sheila fires in the background) WE. ARE GOING. TO DIE HERE!**

 **Sarge: Well then hold tight, boys. I think I gotta solution to your little "tank" problem.**

"Let's hope it helps them beat the tank." Sheele said.

"With the explosive kind added to the mix." Najenda smirked.

 _Cut to Tucker._

 **Tucker: Uh oh.**

 _Pelican flies over Red Base. Cut back to Tucker._

"Dang, that thing could beat an Air Manta in terms of endurance." Tatsumi said in awe at the Pelican.

"And by it's design, it can transport soldiers as well." Akame added.

 **Tucker: Hey, Caboose, (starts backing up) you might wanna get out of the tank. Like right now.**

 **Caboose: I can't figure out how to get this thing open!**

"He better hurry or else he'll join Church in the afterlife." Leone said.

"Yeah and Sheila will try to trap him if he's trying to get out." Lubbock added.

 **Sheila: Night vision engaged.**

 **Tucker: Rookie, get out now!**

Everyone were leaning in as they were getting tense by this scene.

 _Shells exploding progressively nearer to the tank._

Everyone were slightly sweating as Caboose is desperate to get away from the bombardment.

 **Caboose: Okay, open the do- Okay, I, Sheila, will you please open the door?**

"Will that even work?" Sheele asked.

"Hey, everyone needs to try something to get away from death." Mine shrugged.

"And he really needs to get away as fast as possible." Akame added.

 **Sheila: Driver canopy open. (Caboose gets out and runs away) Thank you for using the M808V Main Battle-**

 _Shell hits Sheila and the explosion turns her upside down._

"Down goes the tank!" Leone exclaimed with her arms raised up.

"I'll make a quick note to have artillery strikes to do that if the Empire tries to built tanks if they had these shows in their hands." Najenda commented as she wrote down some notes.

 **Caboose: Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap! Running, running, running! (reaches Tucker, panting) Man, that was close.**

 **Tucker: Look at your tank though.**

 _Cut to Sheila._

 **Sheila: I'm scared, Dave. Will I dream? Daisy... (distorted, elongated) Daisy...**

"Daisy?" Tatsumi repeated in confusion.

"I guess Sheila is somewhat malfunctioning." Bulat commented.

"Yeah cause it's last words are making no sense to understand." Mine said.

 **Caboose: Sheeeeiilaaaaa! Noooooo!**

Everyone sweatdropped at Caboose's over dramatic reaction of Sheila's 'supposed' death.

 **Tucker: What? No! Sheila! Sheila! W-Wait... Who's Sheila?**

 **Caboose: Sheila's the lady in the tank. She was my friend...**

 **Tucker: Oh, dude! I knew you could pick up chicks in a tank!**

(End episode)

"I wished Tucker died first instead of Church." Mine said with a small twitch in her eye.

"Yeah and let's see what happens next cause things are about to get intense right now." Leone grinned as she chug some alcohol.

Najenda wasted no time to pressed play for the next episode to start.


	10. A Shadow of His Former Self

Najenda pressed play and the episode starts playing immediately.

 _Radio noise is heard as the camera fades from black. Caboose is standing behind Tucker._

 **Tucker: Come in, Blue Command. This is Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha. Do you read me?**

 **Caboose: Okay, that is the last of it. Your armor is clean now!**

"So Tucker is calling their team's HQ while the other one is cleaning all the soot off of him." Tatsumi commented as he sees the first scene playing out.

"Yeah, Tucker looks weird with soot on him anyways." Lubbock added.

 **Tucker: Did you get all the black stuff off?**

 _More radio noise is heard. Cut to Vic sitting at his control panel._

 **Vic: This is Blue Command. Come in, Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha.**

 **Tucker: Hello, Command! We need help!**

"They're going to need a lot of help from all the mess they've made recently." Mine said

"But since the series is progressing, I think they'll bring someone who's more skilled than them." Sheele added.

 **Vic: Roger that, Blood Gulch. What is your request?**

 **Tucker: I don't know what the technical military term is for it, but, uh, we're pretty fucked up down here. We need men!**

"How many men do they think they'll get for this problem?" Tatsumi asked.

"A dozen." Bulat replied.

"Or zero cause those guys are fucked." Lubbock snickered.

 **Vic: (pauses) Dude, how long have you guys been down there?**

"Who the hell hired this dumbass?" Leone asked bluntly as she was referring to Vic.

"No one knows and we don't care about it." Najenda shrugs.

 **Tucker: No, no, no, n-not like that! We need more men to help us.**

 **Vic: Roger that. Did you get the tank we sent?**

 **Tucker: Yeah, that got blown up too.**

 **Vic: Wow. Sucks to be you.**

 **Tucker: Yeah, we know.**

Everyone chuckle at the Blue Team's misery.

 **Vic: Okay, here's what I can do. The nearest Blue forces can be there in 16 days, or I-**

"That would take forever for them to get help." Tatsumi said.

"Let's hope none of them are dimwitted and stupid like them either." Mine added.

 **Tucker: 16 days!? That's almost 2 weeks!**

"Thanks captain obvious." Akame said blankly.

 **Vic: OR I can hire a nearby Freelancer and get him there within a few hours.**

Everyone rose their brows when the word 'Freelancer' was heard and payed close attention.

 **Caboose: I like the "in an hour" one.**

 **Tucker: Yeah, me too. Roger that, Command. We prefer the quicker solution.**

 **Vic: 10-4, Blood Gulch. We'll contact Freelancer Tex and have them there post-haste. Command out.**

"On man, whoever this Tex is, he must be a hardcore fighter." Leone said with interest.

"Indeed, and I liked to know more about him too." Bulat agreed.

 _Radio cuts off._

 **Tucker: Whoever he is, make sure he can fix a tank.**

 **Caboose: What's a Freelancer?**

 **Tucker: Freelancers are independent. They're not Red or Blue. They're just guns for hire who'll fight for whoever has the most money.**

 **Caboose: Like a mercenary.**

"Yeah, it does sound like a mercenary or a bounty hunter." Mine pointed out.

"I think Freelancer sounds more cooler, and all the other people out here have low skills to be mercenaries and assassins." Lubbock admitted.

"I agree of thinking Freelancers sound more cooler." Akame nodded in agreement before eating her meat.

 **Tucker: Right. Or like your mom when the rent's due.**

Everyone glared at Tucker's rude comment and just kept watching.

 **Caboose: ...Oh, that's funny.**

"Come on, have some backbone rookie!" Leone exclaimed.

"Give him some time and he might be helpful to support the Blues or fail trying." Sheele commented.

"I'm guessing he might fail soon." Mine replied.

 **Tucker: Yeah? You didn't think that was too obvious?**

 **Caboose: No, no, not at all. It- It was good.**

 _A semi-transparent Church fades into view between Tucker and Caboose._

Everyone were wide-eyed at seeing Church's ghost and some were sweating at seeing a ghost for the first time.

 **Church: (ghostly voice) Tucker... Tucker...**

"What the absolute hell?!" Mine exclaimed.

"This is starting to become a bit scary." Akame admitted.

 **Tucker: Who the hell are you!?**

 **Church: I am the ghost of Church, and I've come back with a warning!**

"What kind of warning?" Tatsumi asked.

"Probably something important about the Freelancer perhaps." Bulat answered.

 **Caboose: You're not Church! Church is blue. You're white!**

 **Church: (normal voice) Rookie, shut up, man! I'm a freakin' ghost! Have you ever seen a blue ghost before?**

 **Tucker: Yeah, that's definitely him.**

"Yeah he has that air of an asshole around him." Lubbock commented.

"Well and he was tired of being around Tucker to be like that anyways." Leone added.

 **Church: Now I gotta start over again. (clears throat, resumes ghostly voice) Tucker... Tucker...! I've come back with a warning!**

"Is it really necessary for him to repeat the beginning?" Mine asked.

"Yeah, he needs to start again without any interruptions." Najenda replied.

 **Tucker: Is it really necessary to do the voice?**

 **Caboose: Yeah, it's kinda annoying.**

 **Church: (normal voice) Fine. Okay, here's the deal: I've come back from the dead to give you a warning about Tex. Don't let-**

 **Caboose: (interrupting) What's the warning?**

 **Church: Shut up for one second and I'll tell you!**

 **Caboose: Oh, sorry.**

 **Church: Seriously, man. I mean, I'm coming back from the great beyond here. Do you think this is easy? It's not. It's not like, just, you know, pop in and out whenever I feel like it, it takes a lot of concentration.**

"That must be tough for ghosts to do that to warn others of an upcoming threat." Akame admitted.

"Yeah and it would suck even more if we end up like Church's current position." Leone added.

Tatsumi couldn't help but gulp at the thought of Sayo and Ieyasu doing the same thing as Church before he shrugged it off and kept watching.

 **Caboose: Sorry.**

 **Church: I mean, it's bad enough that you killed me to begin with but now I come back and I can't get a word in edgewise, man. (takes a deep breath) Okay, here's the deal-**

 **Caboose: (interrupting) Is this the warning?**

 **Church: Alright, that's it. I swear to god, Caboose, your ass is haunted. When we're done here, I'm gonna haunt you.**

They couldn't help but shiver at the thought of a ghost haunting them for life and made mental notes of not getting into a ghost's bad side.

 **Tucker: Yeah, you're even starting to bug me.**

 **Church: Okay, Tucker. You remember that I told you that I was stationed on Sidewinder before they transferred me here to Blood Gulch, right?**

"Sidewinder?" Sheele repeated in confusion.

"Probably another battlefield like Blood Gulch." Bulat guessed.

 **Tucker: No.**

 **Caboose: Sidewinder? Isn't that the ice planet?**

"So now they fought in different planets now, huh?" Najenda hummed.

"Yeah and I hope nothing exotic gets caught up in their wacky shenanigans." Mine said.

"I'm sure anything that lives in an ice planet is fine." Leone assured to the pink assassin.

 **Church: Yes.**

 **Caboose: Cool! What was that like?**

 **Church: Um... it was cold.**

 **Caboose: That's it? Just cold?**

 **Church: What do you want from me? A poem? It's a planet made entirely out of ice. It's really... fuckin'... cold.**

"It's pretty obvious and the northern parts of the Empire are cold as well." Akame reminded.

"And some people try to thrive and prosper despite the freezing temperature too." Bulat added.

 **Tucker: Will you just let him talk?**

 **Church: Alright, well...**

 _Fade to Sidewinder._

The group were awed at looking at Sidewinder and wondered if there are other worlds that looked as beautiful as others.

 **Church: One day, when I was there, everything was just like normal. I remember... I was out on patrol with my partner, Jimmy. That Jimmy was a real good kid. Everybody liked him.**

 **Tucker: D'ya think I was a good kid, Church?**

 **Church: Tucker, don't get jealous, man. Just listen to the story, okay? Like I said, the guys were hanging around, waiting for some action, bitching about the cold...**

 **Sidewinder Blue #1: Man, it's fucking cold.**

 **Sidewinder Blue #2: I hope we get some action.**

"Oh great, more idiots." Mine groaned.

"I feel like something bad is about to happen soon." Tatsumi commented.

 **Church: Anyway, Jimmy was in the middle of telling me all about this girlfriend he had back home.**

 **Jimmy: (in a highland southern accent) Yep, as soon as I get back, I'm gonna get down on one knee and ask her to marry me.**

 **Church: And that's when Tex showed up.**

Everyone tensed as they listen to Church explaining the details.

 _A soldier in active camouflage [invisibility] moves in front of Jimmy and Church._

 **Church: Private Mickey was the first to go. He was halfway across the base when all of sudden he started screaming bloody murder...**

 **Private Mickey: (spinning around and shooting) Bloody murder! Bloody murder!**

Everyone either chuckle or laugh at Mickey's paranoid actions.

 _A Blue firing an Assault Rifle is hit from behind by a camouflaged Tex._

Everyone slightly winced since the hit seemed to kill the Blue despite wearing an armored helmet.

 **Church: The whole thing was over before it even started.**

 _Tex kills another Blue. Switch to Jimmy and Church firing their guns._

"Tex must be having some kind of invisibility device to quickly blow through their group somehow." Lubbock stated.

"And he must be really skilled to take them out in an instant too." Leone added.

"I'm curious on how they made devices that uses Incursio's invisibility." Bulat responded.

 **Church: Poor Jimmy was the last one to go. Tex walked up to him, pulled Jimmy's skull right out of his head, and beat him to death with it.**

Some of them were shocked while others spit-take at the physically impossible feat that Tex has done.

 _Cut to Tucker at Blood Gulch._

 **Tucker: Wait a second... how do you beat someone to death with their own skull? That doesn't seem physically possible.**

"Yeah, there's no way that could happen!" Mine exclaimed.

"I guess logic and physics are pretty broken in their world." Bulat said.

"Pretty much." Najenda agreed.

 **Church: That's exactly what Jimmy kept screaming.**

 _Cut to Tex hitting Jimmy with his skull._

Everyone cringed at poor Jimmy being beaten to death by his own skull, while Leone was starting to think about trying it out soon.

 **Jimmy: This doesn't seem physically possible! (he collapses) Hurk! Bleh...**

 _Cut to Blood Gulch._

 **Church: Bottom line is, these Freelancers, they're bad news, and Tex is one of the worst.**

 **Caboose: If he's such a badass, why didn't he kill you?**

 _Cut to Church standing alone in Sidewinder with blood all over the ground. The camera zooms out, revealing all the Sidewinder Blues are dead._

Everyone were really impressed and kinda scared of this Tex guy killing all of the Blues in Sidewinder and leaving Church alive to tell the tale. Najenda, Leone and Bulat were impressed by his skills and wanted to recruit Tex into Night Raid if he existed, Tatsumi and Lubbock made sure to stay away from him unless they get beaten down with their own skulls. And Akame, Sheele and Mine were kinda alright with him but still kept a close eye on him.

 **Church: To tell ya, I don't know why I'm not dead. Coulda killed me at any point. ...But maybe it's because Tex and I have run into each other once before.**

"The two knew each other before?" Tatsumi commented.

"Yes and this is giving us some interesting questions about him and Tex." Bulat added.

 **Tucker: Where?**

 **Church: You, uh... you remember that girl I told you about, back home? Well, let's just say that Tex is the real reason why we never got married. Guys, I'm fading fast, and I don't know when I'll be back. Just listen to my warning. Don't let Tex get involved here.**

 **Tucker: Okay.**

 **Church: I mean it, Tucker. No fighting, no scouting, nothing. You'll regret it...**

 _Church fades away._

 **Tucker: So..! Tex and Church were after the same girl.**

"That's a serious love triangle, and Church would be screwed if he got into a fight with Tex." Lubbock said.

"Still, the story of two people fighting for love is quite interesting to read." Sheele sighed.

 **Caboose: I told you his girlfriend was a slut.**

Akame, Sheele and Mine just glared at Caboose for saying that.

 _The camera pans, revealing Tex standing behind Tucker and Caboose._

(End episode)

"Looks like Tex has finally showed up now." Leone grinned.

"I feel less sorry for Sarge and the Reds for going up against him." Mine admitted.

"Well let's start the next episode to find out." Akame suggested.

Najenda pressed play for the next episode.


	11. Knock, knock Who's there? Pain

Najenda pressed play for the next episode to start playing immediately.

 _Sarge and Grif are standing next to the Warthog which is now on its side behind Red Base. Lopez is crouched over it, repairing it. A socket wrench is heard in the background._

"Looks like they're busy fixing up the Warthog." Leone stated.

"With a vehicle like that, it could take a long time to repair it." Akame added.

"But still, I can imagine how Lopez would react if this thing was damage because of Grif's stupid mistake." Najenda chuckled.

 **Grif: And then I thought, you know, we could sneak around the side while they were hiding behind the rock, but uh, well that's when the tank showed up and... shit just started blowin' up. I don't know. (sighs)**

 **Sarge: (exhales in exasperation) Grif, do you have any godly idea how much this piece of equipment costs?**

 **Grif: I-I don't know, uh, like, uh, what.. ten, ten.. twenty, twenty-five bucks, maybe? Uh, you-you're gonna kill me now, aren't you?**

 **Sarge: Tell you what, Grif, I'm a fair man. I'll give you a ten second head start here before I let Lopez do anything he wants to ya.**

 _Lopez stops working and stands up to face Grif._

"Looks like Lopez is getting tired of Grif's bullshit now." Mine said.

"And I don't hear him saying anything at all." Sheele pointed out.

"Maybe he's a mute or probably the silent type of person." Bulat replied.

 **Grif: Guys, I just want you to know, I'm really, really sorry here, and-**

 _Lopez puts down his tool for a gun._

"You might want to get away fast Grif." Tatsumi said.

"Or else Lopez will turn you into Swiss." Lubbock added.

 **Sarge: Five Mississippi. Six Mississippi.**

 **Grif: (backing away) Okay, uh, I guess I better get going then.**

 _Lopez and Sarge look at each other then turn and start firing at Grif off screen._

 **Grif: Hey guys, that's not funny! Somebody could get hurt here.**

"Well, you getting hurt is funny to some of us." Mine admitted.

"But what happens if those shots hit somebody else?" Sheele asked.

"I'm sure we don't want to find that out further." Bulat responded.

 _Cut to the top of Blue Base where Tucker is standing next to Tex who is firing at something._

 **Tucker: That's basically it, sir. They have five guys over there and a big jeep.**

 **Tex: And your flag. (reloads)**

"Damn, that's a deep voice!" Leone blurted out.

"I've never heard anyone sounding like that at all." Sheele said.

"His voice sound... suspicious." Akame commented as there's more to Tex than meets the eye.

 **Tucker: Right, that too.**

 _Tex throws a grenade at something._

 **Tucker: Uh, hey, Tex? I don't know what it's been like at your other bases, but we try not to use other soldiers as target practice here.**

 _Camera pans, showing Tex has been firing "at" Caboose._

Everyone were disgusted by Tex's use of Caboose for target practice and couldn't help but shudder if any Imperial soldier would use their own comrades as target practice. Mine decided to note this if Tatsumi or Lubbock tries to annoy the hell out of her.

 **Caboose: I'm scared.**

 _Tex starts looking over various weapons. Caboose runs up to Tex and Tucker._

 **Tucker: So, you've got the Special Forces black armour, I see. Were you in the Special Forces at some point?**

 _Tex: (looks at Tucker while reloading a gun)_

 **Tucker: Yeah, I used to have black armor too. It was black because I got this stuff all over it from th-**

 _Tex runs off._

"Smooth moves Tucker." Najenda said.

"I'm pretty sure Tex has a job to do rather than talking." Bulat stated.

 **Tucker: Oh, okay, you gotta go? I'll see you later.**

 **Caboose: (whispering loudly) I don't think he likes you.**

 **Tucker: ...Thanks.**

 _Tucker and Caboose run up to the edge of the base._

 **Tucker: Where are you going?**

 **Tex: Red Base. Kill everybody. Get the flag back.**

"The Red Team is screwed." Akame admitted.

"Yeah with the skills that Tex has right now, they'll be sleeping in a coffin soon." Leone commented.

 **Caboose: Oh... Okay! We'll just stay here and guard the trans...porter...**

 _Cut to Grif on top of Red Base._

 **Grif: So, Sarge thought my strategy had merit, but was poorly executed, probably because SOMEBODY didn't believe in it.**

 **Simmons: Bullshit. He told me he thought you were a retarded monkey, and he's gonna suspend your weapon privileges.**

 **Donut: Hey, since I captured the flag, d'ya think they'll give me my own color armor now?**

"I thought he said he bought it?" Sheele pointed out.

"He didn't know about it and decided to quickly changed to capture to try and convince them that he captured the flag." Lubbock guessed.

"So far, it ain't fooling them." Mine commented.

 **Simmons: What do you mean "captured"? You thought you were buying it at the store, you idiot.**

 **Donut: Still, you think there's a shot?**

 **Simmons: Maybe they'll give you Grif's armour, since he destroyed the Warthog.**

 **Grif: Hyeah, heh-wait... You don't... You don't think they'd do that, do you?**

"I bet they'll do that for the screw-up you caused already." Tatsumi stated.

"Call it a demotion and they might force you to wear standard red instead." Bulat chuckled.

 _Cut to Sarge watching Lopez fix the Warthog. A socket wrench is heard in the background._

 **Sarge: Try connectin' that hose to that metal thingy there.**

 _Lopez stands up._

 **Sarge: I think that's what's makin' that rattle.**

 _Lopez turns and faces Sarge._

 **Sarge: I think I'll let you do it.**

 _Lopez returns to work. Invisible Tex runs behind Sarge._

"Whoa, what the heck?" Mine said in surprise.

"What was that?" Sheele asked.

 **Sarge: What the...? What was that?**

"Oh look an echo." Leone snickered before Akame bonked her.

"I'm guessing Tex is cloaking to get the drop on the Reds." Tatsumi pointed out.

 _Cut to Grif._

 **Grif: Simmons, what's going on? What's over there?**

 **Simmons: (looking over the edge of the base) I thought I saw something for a second.**

"Simmons has finally notice Tex." Akame said.

"But he can't possibly track his movements, even if he's invisible." Bulat noted.

 _Camera pans down to reveal invisible Tex, then cuts back to Grif._

 **Grif: Hey rookie, tuck the flag some place safe until we can figure out what's goin' on.**

 **Donut: Good idea. I was sick of carrying this thing anyway. (drops the flag into the middle of the base)**

Everyone nodded since he does suck carrying something that's not of importance.

 _Cut to Tex, then to Grif and Simmons looking off the edge of the base._

 **Simmons: Did you hear that?**

 **Grif: Yeah.**

 **Donut: (whispering) Hey! What's going on?**

 _Cut to Tex who throws a plasma grenade, then cut to Grif and Simmons from behind. Grif turns around._

Everyone were wide-eyed once they saw the grenade and wanted to know where it landed at.

 **Grif: What the fuck?**

 _Cut to Donut who has the plasma grenade stuck to his helmet._

"Oh shit." Leone muttered quietly.

"Donut, please notice it." Sheele said in complete worry.

 **Donut: What?**

 **Simmons: (turns around) What is that thing?**

 **Donut: (concerned) What Thing?**

 **Grif: There's somethin' on your head.**

"It's an explosive!" Mine shouted.

 **Donut: What, is it a spider? Get it off!**

"It's not a spider dude, get it off!" Lubbock exclaimed.

"He better get it off or else he'll be in pieces." Najenda said.

 **Simmons: No, it's not a spider, it's, like a... blue thing.**

"It could blow up any minute and they're still talking." Akame commented bluntly.

 **Donut: What, like a blue spider? Get it off!**

 **Grif: It's not a spider! Calm down. It's some kinda... fuzzy, pulsating thing.**

Some facepalm in annoyance as this is taking longer before they realize it's a grenade.

 **Donut: That doesn't sound much better than a spider.**

 **Simmons: Does it hurt?**

"Please stop talking and get if off of his helmet." Mine groaned.

"It's no use, the Red Team is totally fucked up in the head on this." Tatsumi added.

 **Donut: No.**

 **Simmons: Maybe we should try to take it off.**

"Yes, take it off with no hands once it goes off asshole." Leone muttered.

 **Grif: Good idea. Go for it.**

 **Simmons: Me? By "we" I meant "you". Asshole.**

Everyone slightly chuckle at Simmons dissing Grif.

 **Donut: Well somebody needs to get it off. Look, it might be dangerous.**

 _The grenade explodes._

Some of them just shook their heads in disappointment for the Red's stupidity.

"Tex officially got them." Lubbock admitted.

"Red Team is no more." Akame added.

 **Grif and Simmons: Son of a bitch!**

 _Fade to black with sounds of people being hit._

 **Grif: Sim- Where'd he go?**

 _More sounds of people being hit._

 **Grif: Don't kill me, I'm too good looking to die!**

(End episode)

"Grif is not that handsome, he's a scumbag." Mine scoffed.

"True, but I wanna see what happens next." Sheele wondered.

"Well, we got some work to do, so maybe next time." Najenda announced.

Everyone all stretched a bit before turning everything off and went out to do their assignments.


	12. Down, but Not Out

A month has been hectic for Night Raid and Sheele and Bulat had some close calls of death on certain missions, but they're all right for now. Tatsumi participated in a tournament and was captured as a lover to Esdeath and manages to get away since Bulat gave him Incursio and the entire group were ambushed by Dr. Stylish and his army. Luckily, Najenda came back with new members and stopped Stylish with some effort and moved to a different base.

After some time of relocating and cleaning up, Najenda had two of their new members Chelsea and Susanoo watch the first ten episodes of Red vs Blue to have them catch up. After some time watching, they managed to catch up with the rest of them for the upcoming next episode. Chelsea thought it was stupid, but it was really interesting and funny and wanted to know more. Susanoo isn't use to human- like things like watching a show, but over time he got use to it and was very curious to the whole Red vs Blue story.

Soon, everyone rearranged their seats so they can see the next episode now. Chelsea volunteered to use the remote and pressed play.

 **Grif: (heard in distance) Sim- Where'd he go? Don't kill me, I'm too good looking to die!**

 _Fade in to Blue Base. Caboose is looking through the sniper rifle._

 **Caboose: Man... He is really kicking their asses.**

"And you're just sitting around doing nothing like a lazy idiot that you are." Mine stated.

"They're just too dumbstruck to even jump into the fray with Tex anyways." Chelsea shrugged.

 **Tucker: How come I never get the fucking sniper rifle?**

"You'll just use it to peep on girls in the distance." Akame said bluntly.

"Yeah, seeing how he talks about girls he's definitely going to use a sniper rifle to spy on girls." Leone added.

Lubbock just smacked his head at not thinking about that in the first place.

 **Caboose: (lowers the rifle) I'm really glad Tex is on our team and not theirs.**

 **Tucker: Sure makes things a lot easier on us.**

 **Caboose: Yeah. I think switching Tex for Church was a good trade.**

 **Tucker: It definitely seems like your killing Church is starting to work out for us.**

"But it won't last for long and Church would be very pissed at you." Lubbock commented.

"But why does Church told them not to let Tex involved?" Sheele asked.

"No idea, but I'm sure Church might explain that soon." Bulat replied.

 **Caboose: Ya know, ya think so? You know, I was gonna say something but, uh, well you know, uh... nuh...**

 **Tucker: Did Tex get in the base?**

 **Caboose: (raises the rifle and watches Tex enter the base) Yeah.**

 _Cut to the flag stand in the Blue Base. The flag reappears._

Everyone all blinked in surprise at the Blue Team's flag returning so quickly.

 **Male Game Voice: Blue Team, flag returned.**

"That was... unexpected." Susanoo muttered out.

"Yeah, did Tex used some sort of teleporting device to have the flag back to base or something?" Tatsumi wondered.

 **Tucker: What the...? Who said that?**

 **Church: (clears throat) Sorry, that was me. I, uh, I guess I had something stuck in my throat. Your flag is back, by the way.**

"Hey, Church is back." Leone commented.

"I guess he wanted to see how things are going for the Blues right now." Bulat stated.

 **Caboose: Hey, it's Church!**

 **Church: Yeah, it's me. Hey, Caboose.**

 **Caboose: (peppy) Hey, Church, what're you up to?**

"Let's hope the afterlife is nice and not creepy." Mine said.

"Depending on how people describe on how it looks like, it can be either nice or just plain creepy and hellish." Najenda added.

 **Church: Caboose, (laughs) ah-huh-huh, I'm not really here to make small-talk, okay? How'd you guys manage to get your flag back?**

 **Tucker: Wh-What? Oh, th-that flag? We've always had that.**

 **Church: Tucker, who do you think you're trying to fool? Hey, wait a second... Where's Tex?**

 **Tucker: I'm not really sure, he said he was gonna go to the store, something about uh, elbow grease.**

 **Church: Oh great. This is so typical! What was the one thing I told you guys the last time I appeared?**

 **Caboose: (clueless) That Sidewinder is cold..!?**

 **Church: (grunts) What was the OTHER one thing I told you?**

 **Tucker: Not to let him get involved?**

 **Church: Right. And what did you do?**

 **Tucker: ...We let him get involved.**

"Yes you did let him get involved." Chelsea nodded.

"Being involved big time at that." Akame added.

 **Church: And not just a little involved. How involved?**

 **Caboose: Very, very involved.**

 _Cut to Tex in the Red Base._

 **Sarge: (emerging from the left) Freeze.**

 _Lopez emerges from the right, trapping Tex in._

"Oh man, what's he going to do with Sarge and Lopez surrounding him?" Lubbock asked.

"Probably doing some sort of cool action move that'll knock them off their feet." Tatsumi answered.

"Let's hope so, cause I'm excited to see what else he can do." Leone grinned.

 **Sarge: Drop your weapon.**

 **Tex: (drops the gun) Hey, buddy.**

 **Sarge: What.**

 **Tex: You really better hope the first one knocks me out.**

 _Sarge hits Tex with the butt end of his shotgun, conveniently knocking Tex out. Cut to Grif on the Red Base getting to his feet._

"That was disappointing." Leone frowned at the sight.

"I guess Freelancers are pretty overconfident about their skills and bluff." Mine said.

"Or he just got surprised by Sarge when he hit him." Sheele suggested.

 **Grif: Ow, what the... My freakin' head. Jesus.**

 **Simmons: (stands up from tending to Donut) He's hurt, Grif. He'll make it, but we need to get him some help fast.**

"Looks like Donut survived that blast from the grenade." Chelsea commented in impress.

"Not even Incursio could tank an explosion to the head, so their armor is pretty advanced." Bulat whistled.

"Indeed, they could take on anything." Susanoo nodded.

 **Grif: Yeah, yeah, hold on one second. What happened here? W- First Donut's head exploded, and then you fainted, and then some black thing showed up and started-**

 **Simmons: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. I did not faint, something knocked me out.**

"Yeah, Tex knocked you out before he took out Grif." Tatsumi answered to Simmons.

 **Grif: Okay fine, keep lying to yourself. Whatever helps you sleep at night.**

 **Simmons: Man, just go find Sarge, we need to get Donut outta here.**

 **Grif: Yeah, sure. Oh, and uh, I'm fine by the way. Thanks for asking. (runs down the ramp)**

 **Simmons: Whatever, no one likes you anyway.**

"I second that." Mine agreed.

"Yeah, there are extreme rare times where he does something useful." Najenda commented.

"But most times he just stayed useless." Akame added before eating some steaks.

 _Cut to Caboose looking through the sniper rifle at Grif entering the Red Base._

 **Caboose: Yep, he's definitely captured... Or dead... Captured or dead... (inhales sharply as he has an epiphany) or captured AND dead!**

"Probably alive since Sarge just knocked him out." Bulat stated.

"Yeah and this complicates a lot of things for the Blues now." Chelsea sighed.

 **Church: (sarcastic) Oh, well that's just PERFECT!**

 **Tucker: What!? What is your problem!? Why do you even care if he's captured? I thought you hated that guy anyway for stealing your girlfriend.**

 **Church: I never said I hated Tex. I just said that she was the reason why we never got married.**

 **Caboose: She?**

Everyone all rose a brow as they wondered on Church meant by she.

 _Cut to inside Red Base with everyone but Donut present._

 **Simmons: Sarge, we need to get Donut air-lifted outta here.**

 **Sarge: Could you put that in a memo and entitle it "Shit I already know!" Get on the horn with Command! (turns to Tex) Well, look who's up. Rise 'n' shine, buttercup.**

 _Tex is standing, sparks flying from the right shoulder, jerking it back. There's a brief sound like a distorted voice._

Everyone was leaning to see what's happening now.

 **Tex: (now sounding female) Oh great... You broke my voice filter. You cock biting fucktards!**

"What the hell!? Tex is a girl?!" Mine shouted in shock.

"Holy Crap!" Tatsumi, Leone and Lubbock all exclaimed.

 **Grif: Ah-ha! I knew it! Only a chick could give me a headache this big!**

"Now is not the time for any of your talking Grif!" Chelsea said in annoyance.

"Such a strange turn of events for this episode." Susanoo commented.

 **Tex: ...What's the matter? You never seen a girl before? How long have you guys been out here?**

(End episode)

After the episode ends, everyone were now commenting at the end of it.

"All this time, Tex was a girl the whole time. Wow, that's pretty strange." Leone spoke up.

"Now we know why Church and his girlfriend didn't get married, it's because Tex IS his girlfriend." Najenda said.

"That's so much to take in." Sheele mumbled as her head hurt a bit from this discovery.

Chelsea pressed play for the next episode to continue watching on how Tex will change Blood Gulch.


	13. Human Peer Bonding

Chelsea quickly pressed play for the next episode as it quickly starts playing.

 _Fade in to Tucker on top of Blue Base._

 **Tucker: Let me get this straight... You're telling me that the guy that showed up here, scared the living shit out of us, shot at Caboose, and beat the hell out of the Reds wasn't a guy at all? That he was a chick? And, on top of that, she was your ex-girlfriend?**

"That pretty much sums it up to what I've said already." Najenda said.

"Yeah and Tucker manages to summarize the whole thing down perfectly too." Mine added.

"I'll give him some points of approval for that." Leone stated.

 **Church: In a nutshell, yes. That's an excellent summary.**

 **Caboose: I should have known... She didn't like me... Girls never like me.**

"I'm sure you'll get a girl some day Caboose." Sheele assured.

"If anyone gets past that mentally challenged attitude first." Lubbock added.

 **Tucker: Caboose, I don't think anybody likes you.**

 **Caboose: I like me...**

 **Tucker: I don't think I've seen a girl that mean before. Are you sure she's a chick? And not a guy? Or like, part guy part shark?**

"Okay now Tucker is making shit up now." Mine grumbled in annoyance.

"Yeah, his mind is way too broken to think." Tatsumi added

"Agreed." Lubbock nodded.

 **Church: I'm pretty sure I'd know if Tex was a guy. And I'm definitely sure I would know if she was part shark.**

 **Caboose: Wait, oh wait, oh wait. If she's a girl, then why is she named Tex?**

 **Church: Uh... because she's from Texas.**

"Texas?" Sheele repeated in confusion.

"Probably a place they know and we don't." Bulat replied.

"It might be interesting place if we know what it's like." Akame said.

 **Caboose: (Staying silent and stares at Church)**

 **Church: Trust me, it makes sense. And you can't blame her for being so aggressive. It's not entirely her fault to begin with.**

 **Tucker: Right. You should blame God. First he makes hangovers, and now, half women, half sharks that won't even sleep with me. Thanks for nothing, God!**

"Nobody is being blamed for anything that's just how things work." Mine commented.

"Yeah and her being aggressive is just her natural attitude." Leone added.

 **Church: Will you shut up with that? She got recruited into some kind of weird experimental program back during basic where they infused her armor with this really aggressive A.I. I'm not really sure how it all works, but all I know is it made her meaner and tougher than hell.**

"Interesting, she must've gained some superhuman abilities if she got recruited to this experimental program." Susanoo hummed.

"True, but with their advanced technology, it must be very risky of turning people into super soldiers." Najenda said.

"Kinda like my training, but without the A.I. part that Church mentioned." Akame added.

 **Caboose: A.I... What's the A stand for?**

 **Church: Artificial.**

 **Caboose: ...What's the I-**

 **Church: (interrupts) Intelligence.**

 **Caboose: Ooohhhhhhhhh what was the A again?**

"Caboose, you retard." Chelsea sighed.

"These A.I seemed really intriguing if we learn more about them." Lubbock commented.

"Yeah, that could give us an advantage somewhat if we have them." Tatsumi added.

 **Church: Let's move on.**

 **Tucker: So, the military put this program in her head, and that program made her a killer, but underneath it all she's really just a sweet, down-home girl?**

 **Church: Oh hell no. She's always been a rotten bitch. It's just now she's a rotten bitch with cybernetic enhancements.**

"Damn, that was harsh Church." Leone stated.

"Judging from her attitude earlier, it is true though." Mine shrugged.

"But I'm sure Tex might have a soft spot from her rough exterior." Sheele assured.

 **Tucker: Wow. Sounds like you really won the lottery with that one. Good catch there, buddy. She's a keeper.**

 **Church: So how're you doing, Caboose? Are you following any of this whatsoever?**

 **Caboose: I think so... That guy Tex is really a robot, and you're his boyfriend. So that makes you... a gay robot!**

Everyone all sweatdropped at Caboose's very awkward assumption to Tex and Church's relationship.

 **Church: Yeah... that's right... I'm a gay robot.**

 _Cut to Grif and Simmons holding Tex at gunpoint._

 **Grif: So, you're a girl, huh?**

"Way to start a conversation Grif." Chelsea eye-rolled.

"Yeah just ask a highly-skilled super soldier mercenary if she's a girl, that'll get her riled up." Tatsumi added.

 **Tex: (Staying quiet)**

 **Simmons: Just ignore him, that's what I do.**

 **Grif: Not so tough now that we unloaded your weapon, are ya?**

 **Tex: Hey, punk, I don't need a weapon to kill you.**

 **Grif: Yeah, right. What're you gonna do? Punch me?**

"This won't end well." Bulat shook his head.

"Well he dug his grave anyways, so not feeling sorry there." Najenda shrugged.

 _Tex leans in at Grif quickly. Grif flinches and steps back._

 **Grif: Ahh! Not in the face!**

"Wuss!" Leone, Mine and Chelsea shouted in mockery.

"Coward." Akame muttered as she ate more meat.

 _Cut to Church on Blue Base._

 **Church: Well don't worry because I have a great plan for how we're gonna rescue Tex.**

 **Tucker: A plan? Oh, man, I hate plans. That means we're gonna have to do stuff. Can't we just have a strategy or a ...mission statement?**

"We always need good plans and strategy to help us complete our jobs." Lubbock stated to Tucker.

"Indeed, without them we'll be suffering a lot of losses in battle." Susanoo agreed.

 **Church: I just need you guys to run a distraction, while I spring Tex.**

 **Caboose: (nervous) Distraction? Heh. That sounds a lot like "decoy."**

"Yeah kinda, just try to make a lot of noise to get their attention kind of distraction." Tatsumi informed.

"But they'll do something that'll count as a distraction right?" Sheele asked.

"Yes, and it'll help Church get enough time to rescue Tex." Bulat nodded.

 **Church: The way I see it, the Reds have absolutely no idea how many Freelancers we have out here. So all I need from the two of you is to run around in the middle of the canyon, wearing black armor, while I sneak in the back of the base.**

"Seems like a good idea, since the Reds will think Tucker and Caboose are other Freelancers if they have their armor covered in soot." Chelsea commented.

"And they have to be menacing for it to work if Church tries to free Tex if the Reds aren't convinced though." Mine added.

"Let's hope they try to make it work or else they're done for." Leone replied.

 **Tucker: Sounds good. But Church, where the hell are we gonna get two suits of black armor?**

 **Church looks at the teleporter, then Tucker looks at it too.**

 **Tucker: (looks back at Church) ...Oh fuckberries...**

(End episode)

"Well, this is going to interesting for next episode." Lubbock said.

"Operation 'Rescue Tex From Reds' is a go." Najenda smirked.

"Well let's watch it now so we can see how it's played out!" Leone exclaimed as she chug down some beer.

Chelsea played the next episode immediately.


	14. Roomier Than it Looks

The episode immediately starts playing after Chelsea pressed play to see what happens next.

 _Tucker comes out of the teleporter with black armor on._

"Alright, they're covering their armor in soot now." Mine commented.

"Do you think they'll fool the Reds if they pretend to be other Freelancers?" Sheele asked.

"I doubt it if they fail miserably in pretending to be fierce mercenaries." Akame replied.

 **Church: Are you okay, Tucker?**

 **Tucker: Yeah, I'm fine. (runs up to the top of a nearby hill) Come on, Caboose!**

 **Caboose: (on top of the base) Does it hurt?!**

 **Tucker: No, not at all!**

"I bet he's lying just to make Caboose feel the pain." Najenda guessed.

"Yeah and he's taking the bait already." Lubbock added.

 **Caboose: Okay! Here I come!**

 **Church: Does it hurt for real?**

 **Tucker: Ohh, yeah. Big time.**

 _Church and Tucker turn towards the teleporter._

 **Caboose: (emerging from the teleporter in black armor) Owwwchie. (turns to Tucker) You lied to me.**

Everyone all slightly chuckle at Caboose's misfortune.

"Well you did fell for the trick Caboose." Tatsumi chuckled.

"Yeah and next time try to avoid Tucker's lies or else you'll be nothing but a test subject to him." Leone snickered.

 _Cut to Sarge on top of Red Base._

 **Sarge: Ah, dammit. Lopez, c'mere. Do you see something out there?**

"I guess they finally noticed them coming." Bulat commented.

"And they'll try to regroup to confront Tucker and Caboose while Church sneaks in to rescue Tex." Susanoo said.

"But one of them will try to guard Tex if she's getting the chance to escape." Akame replied.

"And seeing how dumb the Reds are and how skilled Tex is, I think she has a high chance to get away on her own." Najenda added.

 _Lopez looks through a sniper rifle, then turns to Sarge and lowers his head. Camera pans down to Grif and Simmons inside the base._

 **Simmons: There's no L in it, it's pronounced both.**

 **Grif: That's what I'm saying. Bolth.**

 **Simmons: Both.**

"Is Grif acting dumb right now?" Chelsea rose a brow.

"Or maybe he's doing it on purpose just to tick Simmons off." Sheele added.

 **Grif: You sound like such an ass the way you say it.**

 **Sarge: Grif! Quit your yammering and get your keister up here. Need some help. Got more of them Special Ops fellas headed toward the base.**

 **Grif: As in... more than one? Uh, maybe we should bolth go, sir.**

 **Simmons: BOTH.**

"Please stop being dumb and focus Grif." Leone said in irritation.

"He won't stop until he annoys Simmons enough." Susanoo replied.

"Let's have Lopez shoot Grif since he doesn't like him at all." Lubbock commented.

 **Grif: Seriously, man, like an ass.**

 **Sarge: Well, well. Another brilliant idea from the think tank. Why don't you both come up? Leave the prisoner alone. We could just put her on the honor system - have her guard herself.**

"Oh sure and while we take care of the supposed Freelancers, the prisoner will have no trouble killing us with our backs exposed. Real great plan Sarge!" Mine exclaimed sarcastically.

"Red Team is definitely the worst team to join with that guy taking control." Tatsumi sighed.

"But imagine if there are other Red Teams that are different than the ones we're watching right now." Akame suggested.

"That would be comfortable to see other Reds that are tolerable than these people." Susanoo stated.

 **Grif: Good point, sir.**

 **Sarge: YOU'RE GOD DAMN RIGHT IT IS! Now get your ass up here. We got just enough time for me to spray paint the bull's-eye on your back... Ah, by bull's-eye I of course mean camouflage. Now move it, cupcake.**

 **Grif: Yeah... (sighs) I'll be right up.**

 _Cut to Church looking through a sniper rifle._

 **Church: Hey, Tucker. Come in, man. You there? This is Church. It's working. The orange one is coming out of the base. I repeat, the orange one is coming out of the base.**

 _Cut to Caboose and Tucker hiding behind a rock, listening over the radio._

 **Tucker: Roger that.**

"So far so good for the Blue Team." Bulat commented.

"It's only a matter of time before one of them screws up." Najenda added.

 **Caboose: Oh, oh oh oh, Tucker, Tucker, Tucker! Is that... Is that Church?**

 **Church: Okay, now just keep moving around outside of the base, and draw their attention.**

 **Caboose: (speaking over Church, drowning him out) Tell him, that I... that I said... for me to say hi..?**

 **Tucker: Whoa, wait, wait, hey. What? I missed that, Caboose was talking to me. Shut up man, I'm on the radio.**

 _Cut to Church._

 **Church: I said, just keep movin-**

 **Tucker: (over radio) I'm not yelling, I'm just telling you to let me finish talking to Church. ...No, I'll tell him you said "hi" later. No, you can't talk to him. How could you possibly talk to him on my headset?**

 **Church: (severs the connection) Oh my god. I can't believe I actually died for this war.**

"Yes you did and now Tucker and Caboose are screwing up even more." Chelsea said.

"Well, he did die by an auto-targeting tank so it wasn't Caboose's fault to begin with." Sheele pointed out.

"But still, if they had a professional then Chruch would be alive and handle things easier." Mine replied.

 _Cut to Grif looking through a sniper rifle. Church can be seen running through the background towards Red Base._

 **Grif: I don't see any- (sees Caboose running across the Gulch) Uh oh. Yep, there's one.(Caboose stops next to a rock and stares at it) ...Why is he just standing there?**

 _Cut to Tucker crouching behind another rock._

 **Tucker: Caboose, get behind the rock. They can still see you.**

 **Caboose: They can't see me. I can't see them!**

"Dude, you're facing a freakin' rock!" Lubbock shouted.

"And the Reds can see your back too stupid!" Tatsumi added.

 **Tucker: That's because you're facing the rock.**

 **Caboose: (looks at the base) Oh. Right. (ducks behind the rock)**

 **Tucker: Real smooth, dipshit.**

 _Cut to Sarge on Red Base._

 **Sarge: They're definitely Special Ops. I ain't seen troop movements this coordinated since my days on Sidew-(Church enters Sarge's body) Wa-kika-herger!**

"As a ghost Church can possess people if he wants if they aren't resistant to ghost possession." Susanoo observed.

"But did you hear about the last part that Sarge said, about him being in Sidewinder before?" Mine informed.

"I guess even the senile Sarge has some skeletons hiding in his closet." Leone grinned as Sarge seems to hide a lot of things for a crazy old man.

 **Grif: Sir, are you okay?**

 **Church as Sarge: Uh, who you talking to, Red? Me?**

"Nice imitation of being Sarge, Church." Chelsea commented sarcastically.

"And even if Grif tries to kill Church, he'll just kill Sarge instead since he's a ghost possessing him." Tatsumi added.

"I was hoping for Sarge to be taken out soon, he's annoying." Akame muttered.

 **Grif: (sarcastically) No. I'm talking to Lopez. Because, you know, that's real rewarding.**

 _Lopez takes a swing at Grif who steps back._

 **Grif: Hey, what'd I tell you about that?**

 **Church: Oh, uh I-I'm fine, that's... I'm just so mad about, these uh, god damn Blues out here. They got me so god damn mad, I could spit! (horks one up and spits on his visor)**

"Did he just really spit on his helmet?" Lubbock said.

"Yes he did and that was pretty gross." Bulat answered.

"But it will be hilarious once Church gets out of Sarge's body to see his reaction though." Leone stated.

 **Grif: ...Um, sir? Did you just spit inside your own helmet?**

 **Church: Uh, yeah. I guess I did.**

 **Grif: Permission to speak freely, sir?**

 **Church: Go ahead.**

 **Grif: That's really fucking gross.**

Everyone all agreed as it is gross, but they chuckle at the thought of a random dim-witted Imperial soldier doing the same thing too.

 _Cut to Caboose crouching down._

 **Caboose: Hey, Tucker?**

 **Tucker: What?**

 **Caboose: I'm having a really good time... with... you.**

"You're having a good time, but Tucker seems annoyed at your mistakes." Susanoo commented.

"Yeah and he might try to hit Caboose for being a dense idiot too." Mine added.

 **Tucker: (annoyed) That's great, Caboose.**

 **Caboose: Yeah, it's like we're real soldiers.**

"You're a bunch of retards is what I think of you." Chelsea said bluntly.

"Well they need to do some real soldier work if they consider themselves real soldiers." Najenda commented.

 **Tucker: Would you please go hide behind another rock?**

 _Cut to Church as Sarge running down to where Tex and Simmons are._

 **Church: Hey, man. What's up, yo?**

Everyone couldn't help but chuckle and facepalm at Church's greeting while he's still inside of Sarge.

 **Simmons: Uh... hey...? What's going on out there, sir?**

 **Church: What's, uh.. why nothin'. Why would you ask if somethin's wrong?**

 **Simmons: I think that's a perfectly normal question in a time of war.**

 **Church: Yeah, well, I don't know. You're starting to act kinda suspicious there ...other Red guy. So I'ma keep my eye on you.**

 **Simmons: (turning around to face Tex) Sarge, I'm starting to think that-**

 _Church hits Simmons on the back of the head, knocking him down._

 **Simmons: Ow, geez, the back of my head!**

"I hope he didn't hit him too hard." Sheele said in worry.

"With their armor protecting them, they'll survive any physical hits but they'll feel the force of it." Bulat answered.

"Yeah and I can feel every hit Leone does to me whenever I peep at her." Lubbock groaned before the Lionelle user hit him again.

 **Tex: What the hell are you doing!?**

 **Church: Tex! It's me, Church! I've come to rescue you.**

 **Tex: You're kind of short to be Church.**

 **Church: What? Oh yeah, right. The armour.**

 _Church leaves Sarge._

 **Sarge: Hurk! What in Sam Hell? Where the- Who spit on my visor?**

"Church made you do it." Tatsumi chuckled.

"And I bet he'll be cleaning his own helmet like a good soldier now." Mine grinned.

 **Church: Tex, there's not much time to explain, so I'm just gonna give you the summary here, okay? I'm a spirit now, and I'm trapped in the physical world. I possessed this Red guy so that I could sneak in to the base and rescue you while the rest of our guys run around out in the middle of the canyon dressed in black armour that they got from going through the teleporter.**

 **Tex: ...Okay.**

"She seems to be taking it rather well." Susanoo commented.

"I bet she'd seen a lot of crazy things to make that reply after Church explained everything so fast." Akame stated after she gulped down her third steak.

"And from our past experiences, I'd say the same thing." Chelsea nodded.

 **Church: What? That's it? Okay? You're not surprised by any of this?**

 **Tex: No. It pretty much all makes sense.**

 **Church: Not even the whole "Church is a ghost" thing? That didn't do anything for ya?**

 **Tex: I can see right through you, it's pretty obvious...**

 **Church: Okay, well, let me hop back in this guy, and we'll get outta here.**

 **Sarge: (as Church re-enters him) Huuurk!**

 _Cut to Caboose looking through the sniper rifle, with Tucker near him._

 **Tucker: What're you doing?**

 **Caboose: One of the Reds has Tex. I'm going to shoot him, and kill him, and free Tex. Then Church will forgive me for killing him, and we will be friends.**

Everyone all knew this is going to be another one of Caboose's big screw ups.

 **Tucker: Oh, come on. You don't actually believe any of that, do you?**

 **Caboose: (taking aim on Sarge's head) Ohhh, we're gonna be best friends.**

"He'll rather kill you than be your friend man." Lubbock commented.

"And greatly pissed as well if something bad happens." Sheele added.

"But on the bright side, Sarge gets to die." Leone stated.

 _Cut to Church as Sarge, and Tex, outside the Red Base._

 **Church: Alright, I'll make one more distraction, then you run up to the teleporter and escape. Ready? One... Two... Three!**

 _Caboose shoots Sarge in the head, and his body falls down._

"There goes Sarge." Mine said as she raised her arms up.

"Yeah and I feel my brain cells dying from just hearing him talk a lot." Chelsea sighed in relief.

 **Church: What the? Where did my body go? Oh, you've gotta be KIDDING me!**

 **Caboose: Tucker did it!**

(End episode)

"That's two characters dead for this series so far." Leone said.

"If Sarge's armor had some sort of protective barrier, he could survive that bullet to the head." Bulat informed.

"Well let's watch the next episode and find out shall we." Najenda replied.

Chelsea proceeded to press play for the next episode.


	15. How the Other Half Lives

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Red vs Blue and/or Akame ga kiru. They belong to their respective owners.**

* * *

Chelsea played the next episode as it starts playing immediately.

 _Colors are dulled. Sarge is running up a hill, toward the camera._

"Where is Sarge at right now?" Sheele asked.

"Since he got shot in head, I'm assuming it's the afterlife." Bulat answered.

"For a second I thought the afterlife would be really creepy instead." Tatsumi added.

 **Sarge: (with a slight echo) Hello? ... Hello? I said hello? Hello, is anybody out here?**

 _Cut to Church._

 **Church: (with a slight echo) Holy cow, would you stop yelling? I'm here.**

"There's Church and he won't be alone being dead now." Chelsea commented.

"But Sarge won't realize that he's a Blue, given his absent-minded brain." Najenda said.

 _Church runs up to Sarge._

 **Sarge: What is this place?**

 **Church: Well, that's... kinda hard to explain. Um... You were shot in the head, buddy. So, here ya are.**

 **Sarge: Am I dead?**

 **Church: Are you dead? Well, yeah, that's how I ended up here.**

 **Sarge: Are you some kinda angel?**

"If he has white wings and a halo then he could be an angel." Tatsumi stated.

"But they're nothing but spirits and not angels." Akame added.

"I bet being dead is a lot more boring than being alive." Mine commented.

 **Church: (chuckling) Aheh heh heh... am I an angel. Uh, (clears throat) yeah, actually, I am. I'm an angel. Um, do you wanna go to Heaven? 'Cause it's, like, ten bucks to get in.**

"Do you really have to pay to go to Heaven?" Sheele asked.

"No, he's just messing with Sarge on the whole 'being dead' thing." Leone replied.

"Yeah and it'll be difficult to explain to Sarge on what happened last episode." Mine added.

 **Sarge: Well I, uh, I didn't really bring any... I mean, my wallet's back in the car.**

 **Church: Hey, you don't have it there, huh? Well uh... that's too bad. Pretty crappy reason to be damned to Hell for an eternity.**

"Now Church is back to being a natural asshole now." Lubbock said.

"Well, he does have some issues with both Tex and his team lately." Susanoo stated.

"Can't blame him, I have to deal with all of your antics all the time." Najenda reminded everyone of their habits.

 **Sarge: I don't remember dyin'.**

 **Church: Yeah, that's my fault too. I was... sort of possessing your body at the time that you were shot. Sorry about that.**

 **Sarge: Hold on a second, that ain't fair.**

 **Church: Not fair? Yeah, join the frickin' club. I got shot by my own tank.**

 _Cut to Sheila aiming at Church._

"Hey, it's Sheila!" Tatsumi pointed out.

"After seeing her getting blown up, it's not surprising to see her there." Akame admitted.

"Wait, how can she be here if she's not a living person?" Mine asked, and no one answered.

 **Sheila: Target locked.**

 **Church: Oh ha ha, very funny Sheila. Shut up. You know I still haven't forgiven you. I didn't say you could talk to me yet. Go there, g-get, go over by the base. Shoo, shoo!**

 _Sheila lowers her turret and drives off._

"That was really mean Church." Sheele frowned.

"Well to be honest, Sheila did kill him in the first place and it didn't listen." Chelsea shrugged.

 _Cut to Grif and Simmons over Sarge's body in the real world; the picture is distorted, wavy anytime the real world is shown._

Everyone has trouble looking at the screen, but they can tell that Grif and Simmons are worried for Sarge's condition.

 **Grif: Sarge! Don't you give up on me soldier, do you hear me? I'm ordering you!**

"Screaming is not going to bring Sarge back Grif." Najenda said while she smokes a bit.

"Well, at least he's trying to be useful every once in a while." Leone added as she chugs down some more alcohol.

"Indeed, most parts is him whining and talking to Simmons all the time." Susanoo stated.

 _Cut to Sarge in "Dead World."_

 **Sarge: Who is that? Who's there?**

 **Church: Looks like your guys are trying to save you.**

 _Cut to Grif hitting Sarge in the chest with the butt end of his gun._

 **Grif: You gotta breathe, man! You gotta pull through! Come on, Sarge!**

"Are you trying to make him stay dead even more you fucking idiot!" Mine shouted.

"Well some of us didn't like him, so he should retire quickly in the afterlife." Lubbock shrugged.

 _Cut to Sarge in "Dead World."_

 **Sarge: That is not the way you were trained to do that, Private!**

 **Church: He can't hear you.**

 _Cut to Simmons._

 **Simmons: Grif, this isn't working. We have to try something else.**

 _Cut to Church in "Dead World."_

 **Church: If he gives you mouth to mouth, I'm leaving.**

"I wouldn't mind that if Tatsumi and Lubbock are in trouble." Bulat blushed.

Tatsumi and Lubbock turned green and almost threw up at the comment.

 _Cut to Simmons._

 **Simmons: ...Maybe you should give him mouth to mouth.**

"Hahaha! This should be good!" Leone laughed out loud.

"I can't wait to hear Sarge's reaction to this." Chelsea smirked.

"I'm going to be sick if this is really happening." Tatsumi groaned as the bile is rising up again.

 _Cut to Church in "Dead World."_

 **Church: I'm leaving.**

 **Sarge: I can't believe how hard they're trying to save me.**

 **Church: Why wouldn't they? I mean, my team didn't, but, why wouldn't yours?**

 **Sarge: I thought they didn't like me.**

"Well they do, but they can't complete any assignments without you." Bulat stated.

"And they'll screw up even more and die with no one pulling rank on them too." Leone added.

 **Church: Aw, don't sell yourself short. I don't even know ya, and here I am about to guide you to Heaven for only five bucks.**

"Don't be such a greedy asshole man." Tatsumi frowned.

"I rather be in Heaven without paying thank you very much." Mine added.

 **Sarge: Hold on, if you're an angel, how come you ain't got no wings?**

"He's starting to become suspicious now." Bulat commented.

"Church has some explaining to do." Leone snickered.

"I'm waiting for the rage-fest to happen." Chelsea said.

 **Church: Because nobody rang a bell, ah heh heh heh heh. Seriously, do you have the money or don't you?**

 **Sarge: Oh, I feel the worst about Grif. I always made fun of him. I never even told him... he was my son.**

 **Church: No way! The orange guy is your son?**

"Highly impossible." Akame commented bluntly.

"More like the son he doesn't want to have." Najenda stated.

 **Sarge: Nah, I just wanted to screw with him one last time. But now I'll never get that chance.**

"I'm sure he'll have the opportunity to get it." Susanoo said.

"If Grif and Simmons successfully revives Sarge back then he would." Lubbock added.

 _Cut to Grif rising to his feet._

"Did Grif failed or they actually save Sarge?" Sheele asked.

"Let's find out." Bulat commented.

 **Grif: He's breathing! We saved Sarge!**

Some celebrated Sarge's recovery while others felt slight pity for Grif if the senile Red tries to lash out the orange-armored soldier.

 _Cut to Sarge in "Dead World."_

 **Sarge: I'm what?**

 **Church: He's what?**

 **Sarge: Well, I'll be a monkey's... they saved me.**

 **Church: What? No, come back! We need to even the sides!**

"Sorry Church, but you're going to be stuck in the afterlife with Sheila now." Mine stated.

"And try not to act like a total asshole whenever you're with her either." Chelsea added.

 **Sarge: Thanks for your help, wingless angel fella! (voice starts to fade away) Will I remember any of this?**

 **Church: Yes, but only if you give me two dollars!**

 _Sarge regains consciousness and stands up between Grif and Simmons in the real world, the wavy effect is no longer present._

 **Sarge: (clears throat) There. What... What happened here?**

"Church possessed you to rescue Tex and Caboose shot you in the head." Najenda stated.

"And you're lucky that Grif managed to save you or else you'd be totally dead." Chelsea added.

"Yeah and the rest of your team would be even more screwed if not for Grif." Mine replied.

 **Simmons: Sir, you got shot in the head, so we gave you CPR and saved you, sir.**

 **Sarge: I always believed in you, Simmons.**

 **Simmons: Uh, actually, it's Grif you should thank, sir. He did all the work.**

 **Sarge: Grif?**

"Yeah Grif saved you while Simmons was just standing on the sidelines." Lubbock said.

"So it's best that you at least try to thank him for it." Tatsumi added.

"And try not to be a jerk about it too." Sheele reminded.

 **Simmons: Yes, sir.**

 **Sarge: Grif, why in Hell would you give somebody CPR for a bullet wound in the head!? That doesn't make a lick of sense.**

 **Grif: (sighs) You're welcome, sir.**

 **Sarge: I mean it's all so damn inconsistent! What would you do if they stabbed me in the toe?) Rub my neck with aloe vera? Hey there, Grif! I think I feel an aneurysm comin' on. Could you help me out with one of them therapeutic mass-ag-es? ...Use your fingers, not your knuckles. ...That there, that's good. Lower back. Yeah, I can feel that working already. Don't be afraid to go too low. (long pause) ...oh yeah, shiatzu.**

(End episode)

"That was a pretty interesting speech that Sarge made." Chelsea spoke up.

"Yeah, can't wait to see what the next episode is like now." Bulat said.

Everyone started stretching for a while before Chelsea started the next episode up.


	16. A Slightly Crueler Cruller

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Red vs Blue and/or Akame ga kiru. They belong to their respective owners.**

* * *

As Chelsea starts the next episode after everyone stretches for a bit, but then they see something that they did not expected to happen.

 _Donut stands on top of Red Base in pink armor._

Almost everyone started laughing at the color that Donut is currently wearing right now.

"He's wearing pink!? Hahahaha!" Leone laughed hysterically.

"It hurts so much, but it's too funny!" Lubbock added between laughs.

"Now I want an advanced armor with my favorite color now." Mine spoke up as she liked the pink armor color.

 **Donut: Dude, this is sweet! Command was so happy that I got the Blue flag, they gave me my own color armor!**

"I don't know if Command gave him that color just for laughs or they just ran out of red-related colors." Bulat chuckled.

"Whatever suits him fine, besides, real men wear pink." Najenda smirked.

"Real men do wear pink at certain times." Akame agreed.

 _Grif and Simmons look at each other._

 **Grif: Uh... hey, Donut?**

 **Donut: What?**

 **Simmons: Um, about your armour...**

 **Donut: What about it?**

 **Simmons: How do I put this... Your armour is, um... It's a little, um... Grif, uh, you wanna help me out here?**

 **Grif: It's pink. Your armour is frickin' pink!**

 **Simmons: Yeah, that's it. Pink.**

 **Donut: Pink? My armor's not pink!**

"It is pink man!" Tatsumi exclaimed.

"It's more like a dark or lighter pink from the way we see it." Chelsea observed.

 **Grif: PINK.**

 **Simmons: Yeah, definitely pink.**

 **Donut: You guys are color-blind. Why would they give me pink armour?**

 **Grif: Hey, don't ask, don't tell.**

"Yeah, we'll never know the real reason anyways." Susanoo stated.

"But I'm still curious as to why they gave Donut pink-colored armor." Sheele commented.

 **Simmons: (over Grif's laughter) Heh, that's not funny.**

 **Grif: (laughs a little more) It's a little funny.**

 **Donut: Look at it, it's not pink. It's like, uh... a "lightish red".**

 **Grif: Guess what? They already have a color for lightish red. You know what it's called? Pink.**

 **Donut: I hate you guys.**

"And we like you for being part of the comic relief Donut." Leone smiled.

"Yeah, the pink armor was very funny and surprising." Mine admitted.

 **Sarge: (running up the ramp with Lopez in tow) Well hello, dirt bags... and a fine hello to you, madam.**

 **Donut: It's LIGHT red.**

"Don't try to deny that it's pink Donut." Najenda commented.

"Or else everyone will keep questioning about it as time goes on." Chelsea added.

 **Sarge: Don't get your panties in a wad there, Barbie. Do you have a package for me?**

 **Donut: Yes sir.**

Everyone were leaning in interest to see what's so special about this package that Sarge wants.

 **Sarge: Excellent.**

 **Donut: (holding up a mechanical unit) They said this speech unit should work with Lopez.**

 **Grif: Speech unit?**

"What's a speech unit?" Sheele asked in confusion.

"It's probably an advanced device that allows some for of intelligent communication to anyone that can't speak." Bulat explained.

"That would definitely come in handy if there's people that are too foreign to understand during conversation." Mine replied.

 **Donut: (handing the unit over to Sarge) Here you go.**

 **Sarge: Affirmative. Command was fresh out of speech modules when I started building Lopez, but once I get this baby installed, I'll finally have someone intelligent to talk to. ...No offence, Simmons.**

Everyone all blinked at the thought of Sarge successfully building a robot despite his personality and experience.

 **Simmons: Oh, don't worry, I know who you meant, sir.**

 **Grif: Wait a second.. Lopez is a robot?**

"He really is a robot?" Tatsumi repeated.

"I noticed some autonomous behavior when Lopez was once on screen." Susanoo informed.

"Well I guess Sarge isn't some complete idiot after all." Chelsea said.

 **Simmons: Of course he is. You didn't notice that he never talks?**

 **Grif: I just thought he was a really quiet guy.**

"I was wondering the same thing too." Akame admitted before munching on her chicken.

"Or he was just a mute all this time." Leone added.

 **Sarge: And the fact that he sleeps standing up and drinks motor oil didn't get your attention?**

 **Grif: Well I-I did think the motor oil thing was a bit odd... Uh, I just thought he was trying to impress me.**

"I guess Lopez needed some things to recharge his power." Mine commented.

"And the others didn't realize it at first." Sheele replied.

"They thought he was just impressing them by doing those things." Lubbock added.

 **Simmons: Hey, sir. You really should ground yourself before handling that card.**

 **Sarge: How come?**

 **Simmons: Because static could damage the card.**

 **Sarge: Come on. That's an urban legend they use to sell those stupid bracelets. (Grif and Simmons look at each other) And I suppose Pop Rocks and soda's gonna make my stomach blow up! (he inserts the card and there's a visible electric discharge which makes him jumps back) YOW!**

"That's so much of an urban legend now huh?" Najenda smirked.

"Sarge would do anything without admitting safety procedures." Susanoo stated.

 **Simmons: Sir. I won't say I told you so, sir.**

 **Sarge: Good. I'd hate to make Strawberry Shortcake here my new favourite Private.**

 **Donut: It's not pink, it's lightish red!**

Everyone decided to not comment any further about this and kept watching.

 _Cut to Caboose and Tucker outside the Blue Base. Tucker's armor is clean, but Caboose's is still black._

 **Caboose: (panting) Ah, man, uh, you know, this stuff does not come off easy?**

 **Tucker: Yeah, this was a lot easier when we were cleaning just my armor.**

 **Caboose: Yeah, I know that, that's I think because you know, uh, YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.**

"I guess they're having some trouble removing the soot on their armor." Tatsumi commented.

"And Tucker isn't returning the favor of cleaning Caboose's armor." Chelsea added.

 **Tucker: I'm sorry, what? It's kind of hard to hear you over the sound of your constant team-killing.**

Some of them all hissed and snickered at the cold burn.

 **Caboose: Ah, ah, aaahhhh ha ha ha ha ah yeah, ah yeah aha, ahhhhhhhhhhhhh... Don't make me mad.**

 _Cut to Donut._

 **Donut: So, what happened to me anyway? I recall something about a spider on my head?**

 **Grif: Right. That was a grenade.**

 **Donut: And the last thing I remember... is a loud bang... and then Simmons fainting...**

"Looks like Donut missed all of the action that Tex has made." Leone commented.

"And he missed more when Command gave him his armor color." Akame added.

"Kinda sucks for him to miss all that action." Lubbock sighed.

 **Grif: Ha! Told you so!**

 **Simmons: I did not faint.**

 **Sarge: Done and done. Lopez. Activate speech unit!**

 **Lopez: Buenos días. Y la gracias da por activar mi función del discurso. Soy el número de modelo cero uno cero uno uno tres cuatro ocho ocho dos tres.**

Everyone were absolute dumbfounded at the foreign language that Lopez is currently speaking.

 **Donut: (over the last five numbers) Am I the only one not understanding any of this?**

"Yeah, we're completely in the dark here as well." Chelsea said.

"I'll have Susanoo to carefully decipher on what he's saying." Najenda replied.

 **Lopez: Me llamo es Lopez.**

"He's introducing himself for starters." Susanoo carefully spoken.

"Well, that's a start." Bulat smiled.

 **Grif: Lopez, he just said Lopez! I understood that. I can speak Spanish!**

 **Sarge: Lopez, speak English.**

 **Lopez: Mi procesador Inglés tiene malfunctioned. Sé habla solamente español.**

"He said that the device malfunctioned and he can only speak Spanish." Susanoo translated.

"That's probably where Sarge placed the chip and got zapped." Tatsumi said.

"Dang, I wished we get the chance to hear him speak English." Leone pouted.

 **Simmons: Huh, I think you shorted out his speech unit with that static, sir.**

 **Sarge: Maybe Princess Peach here picked up the wrong model.**

"No, he picked up the only model he had and you screwed it up." Mine corrected.

"And now we're hearing a language that we've only begun to understand." Akame muttered.

 **Donut: Seriously, dude. For the last time: Not pink.**

Everyone were now getting tired of this really fast.

 **Sarge: Lopez. I order you to speak a language we understand.**

 **Lopez: Negativo.**

 **Sarge: Well this is just dandy. Lopez, HOW - DO - WE - FIX - YOUR - SPEECH - U-NIT?**

"Why are you speaking slowly man?" Tatsumi asked.

"Lopez can understand you, but you can't understand him." Sheele pointed out.

 **Grif: Why are you talking so slow? He understands us just fine. Maybe you should try listening slower.**

"Or you need someone who can translate Spanish for you." Bulat commented.

"I have a feeling that this is going to get ugly fast." Mine said.

 **Sarge: Lopez, would you like to shoot Grif?**

 **Lopez: (raising his gun) Sí señor. Gracias.**

"He would gladly accept shooting Grif." Susanoo stated.

"Knowing how Grif destroyed the Warthog, he'd definitely wanted some payback on Grif." Chelsea smirked.

 _Fade to black._

 **Grif: No, stop! Uh, alto, alto!**

 **Simmons: Alto means tall, you dumbass.**

"What kind of language does Alto comes from?" Lubbock asked.

"I have no idea." Najenda shook her head.

 **Grif: Then why do they put it on stop signs?**

(End episode)

"That was a really interesting episode." Akame said.

"Yeah and we finally got to hear Lopez talk." Leone added.

"Well let's see what the next episode has to offer." Tatsumi suggested.

Chelsea immediately pressed play for the next episode.


	17. Points of Origin

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Red vs Blue and/or Akame ga kiru. They belong to their respective owners.**

* * *

Chelsea started up the next episode and everyone looked at the scene coming up.

 _Cut to Tex, together with Church, Tucker, and Caboose, is standing outside Blue Base._

 **Tex: As far as I'm concerned, I'm square with you.**

 _Caboose and Tucker simultaneously turn to face Church._

 **Church: I saved you from a life of imprisonment. How the hell are you square with me?**

 _Caboose and Tucker simultaneously turn to Tex._

 **Tex: Because I didn't kill you back at Sidewinder.**

"Is there a reason why she spared Church and not kill him?" Sheele asked.

"I think we're about to find out why." Bulat replied to the purple-haired woman's question.

 **Church: You know, I don't really see how not killing somebody is the same thing as doing them a favour.**

 _Caboose and Tucker turn to Tex._

 **Tex: Well, if you don't appreciate it, I could just kill you right now.**

 **Church: No, you can't! I'm already dead, bitch! I guess the joke's on you!**

"Well, he got her there." Tatsumi agreed.

"Yeah, there's no way she could kill someone who's already dead in the first place." Mine added.

 **Caboose: Stop it! Stop fighting. Can't you see that you're tearing us apart? WHAT ABOUT US?**

"What about you?" Leone questioned at the screen.

"All you did was screwing up everything and that only made you a total liability." Chelsea added.

 **Tex: What about you?**

 **Caboose: We helped you too. And what do we get? Nothing!**

"You don't deserve anything after that stunt you pulled during the rescue Caboose." Najenda stated.

"He deserves punishment." Akame muttered blankly.

 **Tex: Well yeah, but...**

 **Church: Yeah, but nothin'. He's got a point.**

"So it's a 'return the favor' thing right?" Lubbock asked.

"Yeah, it is one of those things." Bulat shrugged.

 **Tex: I did help them get the flag back.**

 **Tucker: Yeah, but you were paid to do that. We rescued you as a favor. We could have just let you rot in the Red Army prison, it wouldn't have made any difference to us.**

"She would've done fine without their help." Leone commented.

"Yeah, they're totally useless to do any sort of badass actions besides the planning." Tatsumi added.

 **Tex: Fine, I'll stay here as long as it takes to help you guys win this thing. As soon as I have, I'm outta here. What do you need me to do?**

 **Tucker: I have no idea. If you knew how to fix a tank, I would have you do that.**

 **Tex: ...Okay.**

 **Caboose: Wait, you-you know how to fix Sheila? ...I love you.**

"Don't get carried away Caboose." Najenda said firmly.

"Tex might use the fixed tank to backstab them." Susanoo stated.

"I like to see that mess-up get blown up." Mine hoped.

 _Cut to Lopez._

 **Lopez: Entonces la décias "tu nos pesos más, yo peso más." Entonces pusieron los de nuestros cuerpos sobre la escala y fue determinado quién tenía el peso más grande. Después de eso me llamarían Lopez la Pesado.**

"Now we're back to Lopez speaking even more Spanish." Akame commented.

"Yeah, and it feels weird to listen to a different language." Chelsea spoke up.

"I'm sure we'll get used to it for a while." Sheele smiled.

 **Grif: Man. First he doesn't talk at all, and now we can't get him to shut up. What's he saying?**

 **Simmons: What're you asking me for?**

 **Grif: Well, you know, because you're of, uh, a Latino persuasion.**

 **Simmons: Simmons isn't a Spanish name, you dumbass. I'm Dutch-Irish.**

"Dutch-Irish?" Lubbock repeated.

"I'm guessing he's born from a family of two different countries." Bulat answered.

"These new names for different countries are starting to become intriguing and mysterious." Najenda hummed.

 **Grif: But I thought-**

 **Simmons: What?**

 **Grif: Eh, never mind.**

 **Donut: ...I'm from Iowa.**

 **Grif and Simmons: Nobody cares!**

"We kinda do care for you Donut." Mine stated.

"And now we know what place Donut comes from." Chelsea said.

"Yeah, what kind of name is Iowa?" Leone asked and no one answered.

 _Cut to Tucker and Caboose sneaking up behind Sheila._

 **Church: Okay, take it easy guys. When I was over at the Red Base, I saw that they've already got their jeep fixed. So whatever you do, don't let 'em see us before we get Sheila back online.**

 **Caboose: Okay, okay. Even if we get Sheila fixed, how are we going to turn her over? I mean it's not as if we could just lift-**

 _In the background, Tex flips Sheila back over._

Everyone were instantly surprised at Tex's display of strength.

"Holy shit, she just flipped it over like it was nothing!" Tatsumi shouted.

"That must've weighed a lot if a normal person tried to do it!" Lubbock added.

"Freelancers are tough." Akame replied before going back to her meat.

 **Caboose: Oh. She is a very strong lady.**

 **Church: I'm the one that's the least visible, so I'm gonna head up here to higher ground. I'll keep an eye on the Red Base. If I see anything, I'll let you know.**

 **Caboose: Great, I'll come with you!**

 **Church: That kinda defeats the purpose, Caboose.**

 **Caboose: Okay. What if I'm really... (softer) really... (whispering) quiet?**

"Still defeats the purpose of recon." Chelsea deadpanned.

"I think it's best for Caboose to sit any sort of action out for a while." Susanoo concluded.

 **Church: Do you even understand what the term "visibility" means?**

 **Caboose: Ah hah hah, uhh... good one, Church.**

 **Church: Seriously. You don't know what it means, do you?**

 **Caboose: Uh, no...**

"It means try not to be seen by the enemy." Najenda explained.

"Well, everyone except Tex aren't the stealthy type anyways." Bulat sighed.

 **Church: Caboose, just stay here, man, and try not to swallow your tongue or anything like that.**

 **Tucker: Just watch the Red Base, and tell us if you see any movement.**

 _Tucker runs up to Tex who is welding on the tank._

 **Tucker: So, I suppose if you're helping us, you're not as mean as I thought.**

 **Tex: (stops to face Tucker) I wouldn't say I'm mean, I just get hired to do mean things.**

"I think she meant doing dirty work that involves assassination and killing." Mine commented.

"Yeah and I wonder what the other Freelancers are like besides Tex." Lubbock wondered.

"Probably even more or equally skilled in their own rights in Tex's case." Sheele answered.

 **Tucker: Yeah, but you like it.**

 **Tex: Well, I think it's important to enjoy what you do.**

 **Tucker: So let's say I payed you to kill Caboose. (looks at Caboose) You would still do it, right? Even though you're supposed to be helping us?**

 **Tex: Is this a hypothetical discussion, or should we start talking numbers?**

"Just leave her alone Tucker or else you're gonna get pummeled." Tatsumi warned.

"I'd let her take a crack at him anyways." Chelsea shrugged with an uncaring look.

 **Tucker: Yeah, I don't wanna talk about this any more.**

 _Church is up on the ledge where he was killed._

 **Church: Hey, Tucker!**

 **Tucker: What?!**

 **Church: What the hell is my body still doing up here?**

 **Tucker: That's part of being dead, Church. Your body doesn't really move around much any more. Maybe you haven't fully grasped the concept yet.**

"They didn't even try to bury his body?" Leone looked incredulous at this.

"They completely about and just went on like normal." Akame said with a dark glint in her eye.

"Wow, heartless bastards." Lubbock commented.

 **Church: Alright, well let me rephrase that then: Why in the hell haven't you buried my body yet?**

 **Tucker: Buried? With what? All we have are pistols and rifles. What do you want me to do, shoot you a grave?**

"Don't they have any other tools to help bury Church's body?" Sheele asked.

"Apparently not, all they have are military-graded equipment and nothing else." Susanoo replied.

"That sucks." Tatsumi sighed deeply.

 **Church: Well then how about shipping me back home? You know, let the loved ones pay a little respect.**

"How do you think Tex is going to pay her respects?" Mine asked her friends.

"Probably nothing and starts working on the tank." Najenda guessed.

 **Tucker: Well Church, here's your girlfriend. Tex, as one of Church's loved ones, would you like to pay your respects?**

 _Tex turns around and starts working on the tank again_

 **Tucker: That was a stirring eulogy. Rest in peace, good buddy!**

(End episode)

"Totally called it!" the Night Raid leader called out.

"Well, nothing but talking, but there's got to be something interesting next episode." Chelsea said.

"Then let's get to it already, I'm dying to see what happens next!" Leone exclaimed.

The the orange-haired girl sighed before pressing play for the next episode.


	18. SPF 0

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Red vs Blue and/or Akame ga kiru. They belong to their respective owners.**

* * *

Chelsea pressed play and the next episode starts playing.

 _Church, Caboose and Tucker are standing over Church's body._

"Why are they standing over Church's body?" Sheele asked out of the blue.

"Probably planning something stupid instead of burying it." Mine answered.

 **Church: I am not happy about this.**

 **Caboose: I have an idea. ...I HAVE AN IDEA!**

 **Tucker: Yeah, we heard you the first time, Caboose, we were just ignoring you.**

 **Caboose: Since you possessed that Red guy, and took control of him, why don't you just possess your own body?**

"Can he really do that?" Tatsumi said.

"He can, but he won't move at all and will only feel extreme pain as a result." Bulat answered.

"I'd go for possessing someone else if I died for real." Lubbock commented.

 **Church: Oh I see, so that way I would be living inside of my own dead body.**

 **Caboose: Yes.**

 **Church: Unable to move, just, laying there, rotting in the sun for all eternity.**

"Yeah, it would suck if you agreed to that." Chelsea stated.

"He's going to be sarcastic about this whole idea." Susanoo guessed.

 **Caboose: Yes.**

 **Church: Okay, Caboose, I'll be sure to get right on that.**

 **Caboose: I think you are a mean ghost.**

"And you're a mentally-challenged soldier with no skills." Mine scoffed.

"Well, he does screw up sometimes for the Blues and follows Tucker like a lost puppy." Leone said.

 **Tucker: Dude, you really stink.**

 **Church: What?**

 **Tucker: Your body, it stinks.**

"It's a corpse, it's supposed to decompose like that." Akame stated.

"Yeah, but we really don't want to smell a dirty dead body anyways." Tatsumi grimaced.

"None of us would want to smell a dead body Tatsumi." Bulat replied.

 **Church: Tucker, the first chance we get, you are going to bury my body.**

 **Tucker: Quit your bitching, nothing's going to happen to it.**

 **Church: It's a freaking indignity! My body fought hard for this army and it deserves to be laid to rest.**

"Well, that's true on some military cases." Najenda nodded.

"Yeah and he tries to get things under control, despite being an asshole." Lubbock agreed.

 **Tucker: Get over it, you're already dead. What's the worst that could happen now?**

 **Caboose: Hey, Church, look, birds! Why are they flying around in circles?**

Some of them sighed in irritation at Caboose's antics.

 **Church: (as a sigh) Nuh, God.**

 _Cut to Grif and Simmons on the Red Base._

 **Grif: Okay, I'll go again. I spy something.. that begins with...**

 **Simmons: Dirt.**

 **Grif: Damn! How did you-**

 **Simmons: Well, because you did rock last time. That's all that's out here, is rock and dirt.**

"Ah, that game is fun." Lubbock smiled as he used to play that.

"Yeah and fun to annoy a certain someone during that one job." Leone grinned.

"Oh screw you two!" Mine shouted as she remembered that one time.

 **Grif: Yeah, this canyon sucks.**

Everyone agreed that the box canyon sucks and wanted to see what other places are out there.

 _Cut to Tucker and Church watching Tex fix the tank from the cliff's edge. Caboose is behind Tucker looking through the sniper rifle._

 **Church: How long do you figure until Tex fixes the tank?**

 **Tucker: Not much longer. She said it's going pretty well. The gun's almost working, and then she'll get it moving again.**

 **Church: (sarcastic) Oh, that's just fantastic.**

 **Tucker: Why would that upset you?**

"Yeah, aren't you happy that once the Reds are dead then this stupid war will be over?" Chelsea asked.

"Apparently he has some other plans other than taking out the Reds." Susanoo stated.

 **Church: Because as soon as she gets the tank online, she's gonna use it against the Reds, and they're all gonna die.**

Everyone were wondering what Church is planning about this.

 **Tucker: The Reds dying is a good thing.**

"That's what the Blues wanted." Najenda commented.

"But something tells me that it involves Tex/" Akame added.

 **Church: No, Tucker, it's not a good thing. As soon as we beat the Reds, Tex is outta here. And I still haven't figured out a way to get that A.I. out of her head.**

"He's trying to take out the A.I. on her?" Sheele asked.

"It seems so, we might find out why Tex's A.I. is so important." Bulat replied.

"Yeah, it sounds important to not be ignored." Mine added.

 **Caboose: A.I...**

 **Church: Shut up, Caboose. And if I don't get it out before she leaves...**

 **Tucker: If she leaves you won't ever find her again.**

 **Church: Right.**

Now everyone were wondering how Church will succeed.

 **Tucker: So what're you gonna do?**

 **Church: I guess I'm gonna do the only thing that I can do. I have to warn the Reds before she fixes the tank.**

 **Tucker: You're switching sides?**

 **Church: Sorry, guys. I don't have much choice.**

"Now Church is helping the Reds now." Tatsumi commented.

"But it's the only way for Tex to stay longer for him to get that A.I. out of her." Akame added.

 **Caboose: Church, uh, wha-what happens when the Reds out here... to stop Tex, and then they come also with guns and they find us..?**

 **Church: I'll try to help you as best I can. Good luck, guys.**

 _Church fades away._

 **Caboose: Does this mean I should try to kill Church now?**

"How are you suppose to kill him if he's a ghost?" Chelsea asked.

"I think he's trying to refer of doing the same thing when he possessed Sarge." Susanoo corrected.

"I hope he possess Grif so that Caboose can shoot him." Mine muttered.

 **Tucker: I tell you what: kill me. I promise not to come back.**

"That's very tempting for Caboose to do." Lubbock commented.

"But for us, we'd just do it right away." Chelsea added.

"I get first shot at him though." Mine pointed out.

 **Caboose: Hey! LOOK AT THIS. (focusing on Donut)**

 **Tucker: No.**

 **Caboose: They have A GIRL. They have a girl!**

"Looks like they're mistaking Donut as a girl with that color armor." Bulat chuckled.

"If I see any guy wearing pink, I'd back out immediately once I get the chance." Tatsumi commented.

"It isn't a shame if men wore pink more often." Susanoo stated.

 **Tucker: A what?**

 **Caboose: A girl, a girl! Look! Pink armour!**

 **Tucker: Oh man, how come they get a girl?**

 **Tex: (from below them) Uh, you guys realize that I'm a chick, right? And that I'm standin' right here?**

 **Tucker: Yeah, Tex, but when we say a girl, we mean a girl-girl.**

 **Tex: And what the hell does that mean?**

"They meant a girly-girl and not a badass chick." Leone pointed out.

"Still, they need to back away from her if they continue to talk on the topic." Akame added.

 **Caboose and Tucker: (backing up from the edge of cliff, out of Tex's sight) Nothing!**

 **Tucker: Wait a second. If Tex heard that, do you think she heard Church's secret plan to warn the Reds about her?**

 **Caboose: I don't know... but I think I know how to find out.**

"Can she really hear them from far away?" Sheele asked.

"Her helmet might have some advanced hearing device, so probably." Najenda shrugged.

 _Caboose steps back up to the edge, looking down at Tex_

 **Caboose: Hey...! Tex! Uh... Did you hear Church's secret plan to tell the Reds that you were fixing the tank?**

"You idiot! Why would you do that!?" Mine screamed.

"They are really digging their own graves in a few seconds." Chelsea shook her head.

"Bury them in a random ditch, no one is going find them anyways." Lubbock called out.

 _Tex turns back to the tank then Caboose backs up to join Tucker._

 **Caboose: I don't think she knows ...Unless she can read minds... She can't read minds, can she? ...Can you hear what I'm thinking?**

(End episode)

Still curious on how this plan is going to work, Chelsea pressed play for the last episode before everyone goes back to work.

 **A/N Hank: I wish I could but I can't. I'm focused on at least reaching RVB Season 10 for this fic before I can write any other Reaction fic... But if you want a 'Night Raid Watches RWBY' story, then why not try your hand at it? :)**


	19. Last One Out, Hit the Lights

Chelsea pressed play as everyone were now watching the final episode of the first season.

 _Camera pans up to reveal Grif and Simmons standing atop Red Base. Lopez is visible in the background._

 **Simmons: Hey.**

 **Grif: Yeah?**

 **Simmons: You ever wonder why we're here?**

"Why are they asking the same question again?" Sheele asked.

"Probably bored out of their minds." Lubbock answered.

"Or that they have nothing to do besides talking." Chelsea added.

 **Grif: No. I never, ever, wonder why we're here. Semper Fi, bitch.**

 _Church possesses Lopez._

"Oh no, he's possessing Lopez." Tatsumi commented.

"And with the others unable to understand Spanish, it's going to be very difficult for Church's plan to work." Najenda added.

 **Lopez: Keegakergerk!**

 **Simmons: What? What's wrong with Lopez?**

 _They turn to look at him._

 **Grif: I don't care.**

 **Simmons: Hey, Lopez, uh.. you okay, man?**

 **Church as Lopez: Aye, muchachos, necesité darle... un aviso...**

 **Caption: Guys, I need to give... you a... warning...**

"Looks like we got some captions now." Akame said.

"Good, it'll be easier to understand everything without trying to decipher it." Leone added.

 **Church: ¿Qué? ¿Por qué estoy el hablar en español? ¡Yo no puedo hablar español!**

 **Caption: What? Why am I speaking Spanish? I don't know Spanish!**

 **Simmons: Um... Sure...**

 **Church: ¡No, no, escucha mé! ¡La bruja teva a matar! ¡Ella está travajando en la tanque!**

 **Caption: No, listen to me! The mean woman is going to kill you! She is fixing the tank!**

"It's going to be very difficult to warn them about Tex." Susanoo stated.

"Yeah and Lopez is not the best idea too." Bulat added.

 _Cut to Tucker overlooking Tex who is still working on the tank._

 **Tucker: Aw, crap. Caboose, she's almost done fixing Sheila. I better radio Church and tell him what's going on.**

 **Caboose: Oh! Oh! Oh! Tucker, please! Please! Tucker! Tucker! Tucker! Tucker, please! Tuck-**

"Just do it Tucker it's starting to get annoying!" Mine shouted.

"I'm one step away of cutting my ears if this keeps up!" Chelsea added.

 **Tucker: Yes, you can be the one who radios Church.**

 **Caboose: Thanks, man. (turns on radio) Calling Church. Come in, Church. This is your close, personal friend, Private O'Malley.**

Everyone were suddenly confused at the name Caboose has chosen.

"Why did he say O'Malley? I thought his name was Caboose." Sheele asked.

"There must be a reason for him to call himself that." Akame stated.

"I'm guessing it's a strange reason to call himself O'Malley." Lubbock commented.

 **Tucker: O'Malley? You said your name was Caboose.**

 **Caboose: I never said that, you guys did!**

 **Tucker: Why didn't you correct us?**

 **Caboose: Because I didn't want to be difficult. (turns on radio... again) Come in, Private Church. Do you copy? Soldier unit Tex almost has the armour vehicle situation rectified. Okay. We require verification of your... mission...ness. (clears throat) How is your progression?**

"He won't understand him since he's inside of Lopez." Tatsumi pointed out.

"I wonder how Caboose is going to respond to it." Sheele wondered.

"Probably something dumb as always." Chelsea shrugged.

 **Church: (over radio) ¡Caboose! ¡Nadie aquí está escuchando mí! ¡No mas puedo hablar español!**

 **Caption: Caboose! No one here is listening to me! I can only speak Spanish for some reason!**

 **Caboose: ... (turns to Tucker) ...He says he wants to talk to you.**

 _Cut to Sheila._

 **Sheila: Thank you for activating the M808V Main Battle Tank.**

"And bad timing too as the tank has already been finished." Lubbock commented.

"Church has got to hurry up before that thing fires." Mine stated.

"Unfortunately, it would be a total failure." Bulat sighed.

 **Tucker: Oh shit. We got trouble.**

 _Cut back to Church (as Lopez) talking to Grif and Simmons._

 **Church: Un tanque... grrrande!**

"Just try to understand him you two." Najenda said to Grif and Simmons.

"It's no use, they're already back to talking nonsense." Susanoo added.

 **Grif: Hey. I think if you're gonna live in this country, you should speak the language.**

"On second thought, shoot Grif for us Tex." Tatsumi spoke up.

"Yeah, he's basically the worse jerk of the Reds." Lubbock agreed.

 **Sheila: (from a distance) Target locked.**

 **Simmons: What country? We're on an alien planet.**

 **Grif: What're you, a communist?**

"The hell is a communist?" Chelsea asked.

"No idea, but from the way he said that means they're pretty bad." Akame replied.

"Let's hope we don't get to meet them anytime soon." Leone added.

 _Sheila fires and hits the side of the Red Base._

"SON OF A BITCH!" Everyone except Akame, Bulat, Sheele, Najenda and Susanoo all shouted.

 **Grif: Son of a bitch!**

 **Simmons: Son of a bitch!**

 **Church: ¡MADRE DE DIOS!**

 **Caption: SON OF A BITCH!**

 _Cut to Tucker talking to Caboose as he looks through the sniper rifle. Sheila can be heard firing in the background._

 **Tucker: Okay, I'm getting really sick of asking people what's going on through that sniper rifle.**

 **Caboose: Church is getting mad at us.**

"I'm sure he might be." Chelsea commented.

"But right now the Reds are fighting Shelia again." Tatsumi said.

"Let's hope one of them gets blown up just like Church." Mine hoped.

 **Tucker: Ohhhhh. Well that's a nice change of pace.**

 _Cut to Sarge getting in the Warthog and driving it._

 **Sarge: Simmons, I'm coming around in the Warthog. Get ready to take the gunner position when I come by.**

 **Simmons: Roger that.**

 _Sheila fires._

 **Grif: I'll uh... I'll stay here.**

 **Simmons: Yeah. Stay here, and guard this cement ramp. It's vital to our success.**

"Pussy." Leone mouthed off at Grif's cowardliness.

"Tanks are difficult to deal with because of their armor." Akame pointed out.

"True, but they can't deal with it like real soldiers." Najenda replied.

 _Sarge skids near the base, Simmons hops on, and they take off._

 **Simmons: Alright, I'm on board.**

 **Sarge: Alright, here's the plan-**

 _Sheila fires and hits the rear passenger tire, blowing up the jeep and launching Sarge and Simmons._

 **Sarge: JUNEBUG!**

"There goes the jeep, again." Akame commented.

"And I find it funny of Sarge screaming Junebug when the Warthog got blew up." Najenda chuckled.

 _Cut to Grif watching Sarge and Simmons come up the ramp._

 **Grif: Wow, back so soon? You guys win the war already?**

 **Simmons: Yeah, uh, did you want to finish telling me the plan now, Sarge?**

 **Sarge: If we survive this, I'm gonna kill both of ya. Slowly.**

"Now we're back to Sarge doing death threats since episode two." Tatsumi said.

"Yeah and he just feels like killing something really annoying from time to time." Mine added.

 **Grif: (kneeling down next to Simmons) Uh, hey, Simmons? By the way... The ramp is secure.**

 _Cut to Sheila._

 **Sheila: Target locked. (fires)**

 _Cut to the Reds. Donut emerges from inside the base._

 **Donut: Hey, what're you guys doin' up here?!**

"There's Donut, I wonder what's he doing inside the base." Sheele commented.

"Probably jacking off." Leone remarked with a shrug.

"Ew! That's just disgusting, Leone!" Mine recoiled in disgust.

 **Grif: That chick in the black armour's back!**

 **Donut: What chick? The one that stuck the grenade to my head?**

"Yes she was the one who did that." Akame stated.

"And beaten the Red Team before she got captured." Susanoo added.

 **Simmons: That's the one.**

 **Donut: The same chick whose fault it is that I'm stuck in this light red armour?**

"No, you picked the color yourself dumbass!" Lubbock exclaimed.

"Real men wear pink and there's no shame in wearing it." Bulat admitted.

"I agree, it can bring out the colors of your true self." Mine agreed.

 **Grif: Donut, I understand the need to safeguard your masculinity, but really, dude... It's a whole lot faster just to say pink.**

 **Donut: Ohho..! Oh, I been waiting for this. (runs up to the edge of the base and yells) Hey, bitch! Remember me!? I saved something for ya!**

"Is he going to do something useful?" Chelsea rose a brow.

"He might be, since he is serious of settling the score on Tex." Sheele stated.

 _Donut throws a grenade. Grif and Simmons are shown following its arc, then Church, then finally Tucker and Caboose._

Everyone were surprised and shocked at the good arm distance that Donut gave and they were leaning in small excitement.

 **Tucker: Man, that girl's got a really good arm.**

 _The grenade lands right on Tex's chest inside the tank._

 **Tex: Aw, CRAP!**

"Donut managed to get Tex in a tight situation." Chelsea said in surprise.

"That was a pretty good job, I guess he's not useless after all." Mine added.

 _Cut to Donut at the edge of the Red Base._

 **Donut: (yells, voice echoing) Hell yeah! Three points, you dirty whore!**

"Adding insult to injury as well!" Leone laughed.

"Yeah, but she might try to get back up and kick his ass later." Lubbock added.

"But it's totally worth it to see her get blown up." Tatsumi replied.

 _The grenade explodes._

A few of them cheered while others were still surprised at Donut's epic heroism.

 **Church: ¡Dios mío, no! (runs out of the base toward Tex) ¡Tejas, Tejas!**

 **Grif: Uh, where's Lopez going?**

 **Sarge: To fight the enemy head on in hand-to-hand combat. Mano e mano. What a brave little compadre. Lopez, I never understood a word you said. But I do know one thing: You hated Grif, and that's the most important thing there is. Adios, amigo... Adios.**

"That's not how he said it since it's still Church inside and running off to get Tex." Bulat sweatdropped.

"Even so, Lopez still despises Grif for having work on the Warthog most of the time." Susanoo added.

"Yeah, he did kinda deserved it though." Najenda agreed.

 **Simmons: Shouldn't we help him?**

 **Sarge: Naw... That would just ruin the moment.**

 _Cut to Church over Tex's body._

 **Tex: Church, is that you? It-It's gone, Church. The A.I., it's gone. Thank you. Heeeee, bleah...**

"Is she dead?" Sheele asked in concern.

"No, she must've passed out due to the grenade giving her massive damage." Akame answered.

"Well, at least Church's plan worked on a unsuspecting level." Chelsea sighed.

 _Cut to Tucker and Caboose on the ledge. Tucker is watching the proceedings while Caboose is facing the cliff._

 **Tucker: Crap. Church is gonna be pissed, and now he's got a body to kick our ass. Come on, Caboose, let's get back to base.**

 **Caboose: I told you, my name isn't Caboose... (turns around and speaks in a deep voice) My name... is... O'Malley...!**

(End episode)

Everyone were stunned at the last part before the episode ended.

"What... the hell was that?!" Leone exclaimed in shock.

"I'm guessing that A.I. must've got into Caboose somehow." Susanoo stated.

"And we'll find out more next time, cause right now he got some work people." Najenda announced.

Everyone all got up and stretched a bit before they left the TV room to continue working their jobs for the revolution.


	20. RVB PSA 1

**AN: The Jaegers are finally making an appearance in this story! :D**

Two months have passed after the end of season one of RVB and Night Raid has a lot more roomier then before. The reason why? The Jaegers were joining them to watch RVB as everyone were getting ready to watch some more of this famous web-series.

During the two months of work, Night Raid has encountered the Jaegers multiple times and they managed to survive their assaults and beaten them on by one and instead of killing them like they do against any enemy from the Empire, they decided to have them as prisoners and confiscate their Teigu and Tatsumi was able to convince Esdeath to surrender as long as he agrees to date with her later.

Afterwards the rest of the Jaegers were curious when they heard small talk about a show called RVB and decided to watch it. On the entirety of the first season, some were intrigued, chuckling or looked down on the characters except Tex before they saw the twist in the season finale. The Jaegers were interested on where this might go and some were annoyed at most of the unintelligent characters, mostly Esdeath.

Back to the present, everyone were all getting comfortable to watch some more RVB with Kurome taking the remote and pressed play.

* * *

PSA 1: W.M.D

"Huh? This isn't an actual episode?" Sheele asked in confusion.

"It's probably a special episode that's not part of the main series." Bulat answered.

"Whatever it is, it's probably important to watch it." Wave commented.

 _Cut to Grif and Simmons standing in front of the Red Base_

 **Simmons: Hi. I'm Private Dick Simmons, of the popular web-series, Red Vs. Blue.**

 **Grif: And I'm Private Dexter Grif from the same show.**

"Okay now they've introduced their full names to us now." Najenda said.

"Yeah and Simmons's first name is Dick." Leone chuckled uncontrollably with a few joining in.

 **Simmons: But you know what? We're not here to talk to you today as famous actors.**

 **Grif: That's right Dick, we're here to talk to you as friends.**

"I would never be friends with a bunch of pathetic soldiers like them." Esdeath scoffed with hate.

"I don't know, they're to explain this whole scenario to us to help solve this confusion up." Bols stated.

 **Simmons: In our show, Red Vs. Blue, we poke fun at things like the military lifestyle, and weapons of mass destruction.**

"So the whole point that they didn't do anything too serious was because they're making fun of military lifestyle?" Seryu asked incredulously.

"Seems like it and I bet that as we further progress into the series, it would be a lot more adrenaline rushing." Run added.

"Let's hope it's all action and less pointless talking." Chelsea sighed in boredom.

 **Grif: But weapons of mass destruction are no laughing matter. Each year, several planets-**

 _Bullet trail over their heads and in to the background_

Everyone either jumped in surprise or jolted when they saw the bullet passing by both Grif and Simmons.

 **Simmons: Hey!**

 **Grif: Hey!**

 **Simmons: Son of a bitch!**

 **Grif: You... Cut it out dick! We're trying to do something!**

 **Church: Hey red, you suck blue rules!**

"Hey, it's Church!" Lubbock exclaimed.

"I guess he's only alive in these special episodes." Tatsumi commented.

"Yeah and he's the only person who's sane, aside from his attitude of course." Dr. Stylish said.

 _Grif heads across in front of Simmons, off camera_

 **Grif: I see you, oh yeah, I see you up there buddy!**

"I guess Grif is now hunting down Church." Susanoo stated.

"Who else wants to bet that it's going to be a draw?" Leone asked and got no reply afterwards.

 **Simmons: I'm sure a lot of you have encountered weapons of mass destruction in your daily lives. In fact, you may have some friends who think it's 'cool' to stockpile VX Nerve Gas. But it's not. They may say "everybody's doing it," but if they told you to jump off a-**

 _Another bullet trail over his head and in to the background_

 **Simmons: Son of a bitch!**

 **Church: Almost got you that time, chump!**

"Is he really trying to shoot them down or messing around?" Kurome questioned.

"Probably both and he's not afraid to throw insults into the mix." Akame added.

 _Grif running on camera and in to the base_

 **Grif: Oh, oh that's it. I'm getting my rifle!**

 **Simmons: And remember kids, violence is never the answer.**

"Unless you're an assassin or soldier to kill anything for any causes." Mine corrected.

"Or use violence against any bastards that deserves it." Tatsumi replied back.

 _More bullet trails over Simmons as he crouches down_

 **Simmons: You ol' COCK BITE!**

 **Church: Hey, Ill bet that one hurt!**

(End episode)

"Well... that was something." Esdeath spoke up as she stretched her arms up.

"Yeah, aside of the humor and dumbness, it's a pretty funny show." Seryu admitted.

"Agreed, and there's more of these special episodes before we head to the second season." Akame stated.

Once everyone was getting ready, Kurome pressed play for the next PSA episode to start.


	21. RVB PSA 2

As Kurome pressed play, everyone gets ready as the next PSA quickly starts playing.

PSA 2: Tattoo Point/Counterpoint

"A tattoo? Why would they be explaining about tattoos?" Sheele asked.

"I don't know, but they seem to think of it as something important." Dr. Stylish replied.

 _Church and Grif are standing in front of the Warthog, which is in front of the red base_

 **Church: Hi, how ya doin'. My name is Private L.L. Church, and I'm one of the actors on the popular web series "Red Vs. Blue."**

 **Grif: And I'm Private Dexter Grif, from the same show.**

"Huh, in the actual show they're enemies but in here, they're friends." Tatsumi said.

"In these episodes they consider themselves co-workers." Akame corrected.

"Yeah, but what are the first two L's on Church's name?" Leone asked, but no one had an answer.

 **Church: But you know what? We are not here today to talk to you as world famous actors, who also happen to be, you know, very good looking.**

"I doubt that they're good looking." Chelsea retorted.

"I bet they're hideous without their helmets, mostly Grif." Kurome commented.

"Sarge would be too, since he's old." Seryu added.

 **Grif: That's right! We're here today, to tell you how to run your life.**

 **Church: You know, a lot of you out there are probably considering getting a tattoo. Or, as the young people like to call it, a "tat."**

 **Grif: Or, adding a tattoo to your already impressive collection.**

 **Church: So today we present to you, a very special "Point/Counterpoint" edition of Red Vs. Blue.**

 **Grif: Should you get, a tattoo.**

 _Cut to just Church, and at the bottom of the screen is "Pvt. L.L. Church - Counterpoint"_

 **Church: I think it's quite clear, that you should not get a tattoo. And I can sum up my points in this very elegant, but simple, bulleted list.**

 _On screen appears "Church's Bulleted List"_

 **Church: Number one: tattoos, are permanent.**

 _On screen appears "Tattoos are permanent"_

"They would be permanent if you'd let it." Wave stated.

"I wouldn't let my daughter get one if she gets older." Bols said firmly.

 **Church: Number two: you are a God damn idiot.**

 _On screen appears "You are a god damn idiot."_

"That was unexpected and rude." Run frowned.

"Yeah, I thought they were going to talk about tattoos." Seryu commented.

"Church took this chance to say 'I hate you all' in his own way." Esdeath answered.

 **Church: And I'd like to prove this mathematically if I may. Take your current age. Now subtract ten years from it. Were you smart back then? Of course you weren't. You were a God damn idiot.**

"That really isn't a math problem, that's just a stupid way of measuring how much stupid you are." Najenda noted.

"And Church's stupidity is very low, but not as low as Caboose's." Tatsumi added.

 _On screen appears "Red sucks. Blue rules."_

Some of them started laughing at this while a few sighed at Church's immaturity.

 **Church: Fact of the matter is, you're just as big an idiot today, it's just gonna take you ten more years to realize. Now think if you'd drawn a picture on your body ten years ago. Would you be happy with it today? Chances are, you wouldn't be.**

 _Cut to just Grif, and at the bottom of the screen is "Pvt. Dexter Grif - Counter-Counterpoint"_

 **Grif: Unless it was cool, which brings me to my main point. Tattoos, are cool, as long as you avoid the following rookie mistakes...**

 _On screen appears "Designs To Avoid"_

"Are tattoo designs really bad?" Sheele asked.

"Depending on what type of tattoo the person has to make some people offended." Bulat answered.

"Yeah, so what designs do these guys find offensive." Lubbock wondered.

 **Grif: ...you'll be just fine. The barb wire ring.**

 _On screen appears a picture of the barb wire ring_

"That's a... unique tattoo." Run spoke.

"If it was a real barb wire ring then it would be an excellent tool for torture." Esdeath grinned.

 **Grif: Nothing says 1998 quite like a barb wire ring around your bicep. You'll look like a defensive lineman, and if you get the tattoo, you're probably about as smart as one. The band logo.**

 _On screen appears the logos of Scorpions, Milli Vanilli, and Metallica_

 **Grif: Any band logo. Think about it. The only pop star to remain cool for more than ten years was Madonna, and you're not fooling anybody by getting a tattoo of her.**

"Never heard of those bands before." Chelsea admitted, but still interested.

"They might be music groups from another world." Susanoo added.

"Metallica sounds like an awesome name for a music group." Seryu admitted.

 **Church: Right.**

 **Grif: Lastly, and most importantly, are the tribal designs, and the Asian character.**

 _On screen appears some tribal design, and some Asian character... you expected a bird, maybe?_

"Wow, these tattoos are very complex on how much time and space is needed." Wave commented.

"And a lot of focus to make sure not a single mistake is made in them." Dr. Stylish replied.

 **Grif: No one gets it! Let's be honest, you don't either. Someone had to explain it to you, and you have no idea if they were even telling you the truth. So, avoid these simple pitfalls, and a tattoo can be a wonderful, and rewarding experience... except for the pain.**

"Getting a tattoo is painful when you're brave enough." Mine admitted.

"Plus they're itchy and very uncomfortable." Esdeath added, although she has a mark instead.

 **Church: It's at this time that I would like to point out that our friend Private Grif here has a tattoo on his neck - his neck, in plain sight where anyone can see it, from the movie Blade starring Wesley Snipes, right? It's Blade, not Blade II?**

 **Grif: Actually it's... from the comic book.**

"This Blade comic sounds interesting." Sheele said.

"But there's a movie too, so that has to be awesome to see." Kurome stated.

"Yeah and someone named Blade has to be a badass too." Leone grinned.

 **Church: Yeah, that's great. I'm sure your boyfriend loves it.**

 **Grif: In closing, be sure to choose wisely when getting a tattoo. Don't repeat my mistakes.**

"I'm sure none of us will get a tattoo anytime soon." Lubbock commented.

"Yeah, that'll be way too risky and I'm fine of not having one." Tatsumi agreed.

 **Church: Right, listen. If I can't stop you from getting a tattoo, at least let me offer a good suggestion for a design. How about this: why not get a tattoo of your favorite character, from your favorite online cartoon?**

 _On screen appears a picture of StrongBad_

"That's a very strange looking character." Najenda said with a raised brow.

"Indeed, it's an odd design for a character." Susanoo commented.

 **Church: I meant your other favorite online cartoon.**

 _On screen the picture of StrongBad is replaced by Tyco and Gabe_

 **Church: Okay, you know what? Screw you. ...I mean seriously, what do I care. Get a tattoo of an M16 in the middle of your forehead. That would give Sarge a boner.**

(End dialogue)

"Well that episode was rather interesting." Chelsea called out.

"Yeah, all in favor of not getting a tattoo on this one?" Wave suggested.

"Aye!" everyone all rose their hands of not getting a tattoo.

Afterwards, Kurome quickly started the next PSA to make sure it's not as educational then this one.


	22. RVB PSA 3

**AN: The reason it took me so long to post these was because my beta Doctor Snivy quit being my beta, so I had to search for a new beta that has... "adequate" writing skills, which I did. So, hopefully, that means I can get the updates back on track. :) Also, these would be the only PSAs I will be posting considering they are harder to write in terms of reactions. :/**

PSA 3: RvBIAA

 _Church, Grif and Donut are standing in front of the Warthog, in front of one of the bases_

 **Church: Hi. I'm Private Leonard Church, from the popular webseries, Red Vs. Blue.**

 **Donut: And I'm Private Franklin Delano Donut, from the same show.**

 **Grif: Are we gonna introduce ourselves like this every time?**

"Yeah that's a good question. We know who they are." Tatsumi pointed out.

"It's professional that way." Bulat said.

"And at least we know Church and Donut's full names." Wave pointed out.

"Yeah and that Donut is not his given name." Chelsea snickered.

Akame and Kurome were drooling at the thought of doughnuts.

 **Church: But we're not here today to talk to you as famous actors. That's right. We're here today to talk to you as creative geniuses who are being ripped off by the little man.**

 **Grif: Right, w- wait, what?**

 **Church: As all of you are no doubt aware, Red Vs. Blue is the single most popular thing to ever be on the internet.**

"I doubt that." Najenda remarked.

"It's probably got a lot of fans." Bols said.

"But what is this internet?" Stylish asked curious of the science behind the internet.

 **Grif: What about all the news sites?**

 **Donut: Yeah, and the filthy filthy porn.**

"There's... porn on the internet?" Wave asked dumbfounded.

"What is this magical internet?!" Lubbock asked.

"Yeah and where can we find it?" Stylish asked more curious than ever.

"You guys are gross!" Mine shouted but blushed at the thought of Tatsumi being in porn... and learning a few things from it.

"I'm interested." Leone said. Knowing she could learn something amazing from when Tatsumi becomes her first.

"I don't need porn when I have Tatsumi." Esdeath snuggles up to a blushing Tatsumi.

"WE have Tatsumi." Mine hissed.

"Yeah Ice Queen." Leone said as she buried Tatsumi's face in her bosom.

"Leone! You just said you were interested!" Mine pointed her finger.

"So, it doesn't we mean we can't learn from it and use it on Tatsumi." Leone pointed out

"Fair point." Esdeath conceded.

Akame and Chelsea looked jealous at the scene. And Lubbock looked liked he wanted to cry and kill Tatsumi.

 **Church: That's irrelevant. The braintrust here at Red Vs. Blue have identified a disturbing trend. It turns out people have been pirating our very popular webseries, and downloading it on a daily basis.**

 **Grif: Yeah, that's because we make it available for free online.**

"So it wouldn't be stealing if it was free." Seryu said.

 _A graph charting DVD sales appears next to Church, and it looks uninspiring_

 **Church: As you can see from this graph that I have very carefully prepared, our DVD sales have been lack-luster at best. And clearly, this is the result of the public's blatant disregard of our amazingly original intellectual property.**

 **Grif: Or because we haven't made a DVD yet.**

 **Donut: Dude, don't taunt him. He has a graph!**

"That piece of crap doesn't tell us anything!" Mine glared.

"It's just a scam." Akame said while eating some meat.

 **Church: It's unfortunate, but to protect ourselves from the catastrophic consequences of this global publicity machine known as the internet, we are now forced to take action. Sarge?**

 **Sarge: Hereto forthwith, starting next week, hereafter referred to as "us," will begin suing every person to have ever visited the Red Vs. Blue website, hereafter referred to as "you dirty scumbags! We expect an average judgment of forty-five million dollars per case. Vow this day in to the grounds of ergo post proctor hoctor, vis-a-vis telemundo.**

Nobody could believe what they were hearing from all of this. To them it was like a growing mountain of stupidity. Though Leone and a couple of others found the "dirty scumbags" part a little funny.

 **Church: Keep in mind, this is not an attempt to make money. But rather, a way for the creators of Red Vs. Blue to protect themselves, and the literally dozens of fans that we have, all over the world.**

 **Grif: Forty-five million dollars per person? You guys are idiots!**

"For once I agree with you Grif." Tatsumi said.

"Yeah this is pure nonsense." Najenda nodded.

"And I can't believe I'm saying this, but Grif seems to be the smart one." Sheele said.

 **Sarge: Ipso, fatso. May it please the court, I have prepared a second graph to address Grif's argument.**

 _A graph appears next to Sarge labeled "My Foot, Grif's Ass." It looks inspiring_

Everyone except Stylish and Susanoo laughed or chuckled at Sarge's display of hating Grif.

"Now that's what I call a graph." Leone said between giggles.

"That's something I could've placed in the dungeons in the capital." Esdeath smirked.

 **Grif: Why is Sarge our legal council?**

 **Church: Because he has his finger on the pulse of the American Legal System. He went to Stenographer's School.**

 **Sarge: Objection! It was Nursing Assistant's School.**

"Yeah and I bet that went well for him." Lubbock rolled his eyes.

"Fake school." Stylish murmured.

 **Church: Ah, close enough. Listen, we don't have to prove anything. They're the ones that are stealing stuff.**

 **Grif: But it's online, for free.**

 **Church: Right! Which is why we're suing them!**

"Listen to him!" Some of them yelled.

"Yeah you can't sue somebody over free stuff." Leone said.

"Or anything for that matter." Kurome chimed in.

 **Grif: But we put it on there! We put the videos online, for free, to promote the DVD.**

 **Church: Exactly, which is why we're suing you as well.**

"What!" Mine shrieked.

Run rubbed his temples since he could feel the pain of their stupidity.

"I feel dumber now." Sheele said

"That's saying something." Mez murmured to Dorothea.

"I need a drink." Mine rubbed her temples as well.

"I need four drinks." Leone said, leaving to get some more beer.

 **Donut: Say what?**

 **Church: Yeah, you too Donut! (turns to Sarge) Hey, you want some too pal?**

 **Sarge: I'd like to see you in chambers...**

"More like the torture chambers." Esdeath huffed in disgust at such stupidity.

 **Church: Look, I know most of our audience members probably don't have forty-five million dollars. So we're willing to settle out of court. You can either send us everyone in your family's personal information, like social security numbers, drivers license numbers, birthdates, stuff like that. Or, you can just find your mom's purse, and send it directly to us. If you're not sure what it looks like, here's a picture of Donut's purse.**

 _A picture of a purse appears next to Grif. Everyone looks at Donut._

 **Donut: What? I need a place to keep my lotions.**

(End episode)

"I never thought I see the peak of idiocy until this day." Dr. Stylish lamented.

"You know what... I'm gonna take a dump." Lubbock shook his head while leaving to do his business.

"I think the pink armor is turning Dount into a girl." Wave commented.

"Pink will do that to you." Tatsumi said.

"What's that suppose to mean?!" Mine glared at her boyfriend.


	23. Everything Old Is New Again

_Static and radio noises are heard. Camera fades in on a dim view of a planet._

 **Male Voice: Come in Blue Command, come in.**

 _Camera fades out to black, then in on a panning view to the right over Blood Gulch._

"Huh, looks like we have a new character." Najenda observed.

 **Male Voice: This is Medical Officer DuFresne. I have reached Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha, do you read?**

"A medic?" Dr. Stylish asked raising an eyebrow.

"Well this will be interesting." Mez said.

"I bet he'll turn out to be stupid and incompetent as the rest of them." Mine retorted, crossing her arms.

 _Camera fades out to black, then in on a daylight view of the moon, slowly panning down._

 **Vic: (distorted) Yes, dude, hello, can you read me? Hello? Check one, check two.**

 **DuFresne: Say again, Blue Command. I do not read.**

 **Vic: Check two. Is this thing on? Hello, hello.**

 _Camera continues to pan down, revealing DuFresne in purple armor._

 **DuFresne: Blue Command, please boost your transmission to match communication protocol, Echo, Bravo-**

 **Vic: (audio distortion ends, the song "Trocadero - No one" is heard in the background of the transmission exchange) Yo, I hear you. Calm down, dude, what's going on? Hello, yo, can you hear me, hello?**

"Hey its that guy from the first season." Run said.

"Except he kinda sounds annoying." Kurome commented before eating a piece of candy.

 **DuFresne: Uh, roger that Command.**

 **Vic: Sorry 'bout that, I was in the elevator, this thing doesn't work so well in there. What's going on, dude?**

 **DuFresne: Roger tha... uh... is this Blue Command?**

 **Vic: Oh yeah, man, sure, totally! What's goin' on?**

"Okay that's a little suspicious." Suzuka said.

"Yeah he sounds like he's up to something." Akame narrowed her eyes as she slowly bit into her meat.

"I would say he sounds more unprofessional for a guy who works at command." Wave said.

 **DuFresne: You're sure? The Blue Command Base?**

 **Vic: Hey, dude. Take it easy. You called me, I didn't call you.**

 **DuFresne: Naw, I know, it's just...**

 **Vic: It's just what, dude?**

 **DuFresne: Never mind. I'm just letting you know that I've reached Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha. I'm gonna make contact with the Blue Squad members.**

 **Vic: Blood Gulch, huh? Alright, let me look here, let me see what it says... Blood Gulch, bleu bleaou bee ehl, bluoea here we go, Blood Gulch, okay. Says here, you wanna make contact with Private Tucker... ask him about their wounded dude.**

"When did Tucker call for a medic?" Run asked raising his eyebrow.

"And why would he? Nobody on their side was injured, but instead killed." Mez commented.

 **DuFresne: Roger that. Any other orders?**

 **Vic: Anything else... yeah okay, yeah, it says here whatever you do, don't- oh. Okay, never mind dude, I'm not supposed to read you that part, okay, just uh... you'll be okay, just, uh, be very careful. That's all.**

 **DuFresne: ...Great.**

"Okay... that is even more suspicious." Mine pointed her finger.

"Well... not really. He's basically following an order." Wave said.

 **Vic: Alright then. Well it's our goal here at Blue Base to provide excellent customer service, and I hope that I have done that today. Uh, if you have any further questions about this radio transmission, you can just, um, you know call back, say "Dude, I've got some questions, what's goin' on." Over and out.**

"Does anyone else find this guy kinda annoying?" Mine asked the room.

A few rose their hands in response.

 **DuFresne: Okay... Private Tucker...**

 _Cut to Blue Base._

 **Tucker: Hey, Church, we have a problem.**

 **Church: (in cobalt armor again) I am not your mother, so don't come tattling to me every time one of you does something that the other one doesn't like.**

"And that's why your're a shit leader." Najenda said puffing on her cigar.

"Something we can agree on Najenda." Esdeath concurred.

 **Tucker: I'm telling you, he's crazy. He keeps threatening me and talking in a scary voice.**

"Oh that's right he has that A.I. in his head." Dorothea said.

"I'm still curious as to how one of these... A.I.s are produced." Dr. Stylish said, grinning.

 **Caboose: No, I didn't.**

 **Tucker: Oh, so you're saying you didn't threaten to cut off my head and give it to Church as a birthday present?**

 **Caboose: You know, I think you're taking my words a little out of context.**

Everyone except Esdeath and Susanoo sweat dropped at Caboose's response. Esdeath instead grinned, liking the A.I.'s idea of a birthday present.

"Yeah there's no context to that." Dorothea commented.

"I can't believe Church hasn't caught on to that." Mez said.

"Probably has, he just doesn't care." Suzuka said.

 **Tucker: What? What context?**

 _DuFresne runs up behind Church._

 **Church: Listen, guys, this competition thing has got to stop, okay? I thought we'd established by now-**

 **DuFresne: (interrupting) Excuse me.**

 **Church: Hey, pal? One second, okay? I'm in the middle of something here. Ah, look- I thought we'd established by now, I don't like either of you, okay? So competing for my attention is not gonna do ya any good.**

"Church reminds me of this other asshole when I was in the navy." Wave said.

 **DuFresne: Excuse me.**

 **Church: (turns around) Okay. Yes. Hello. Who're you?**

 **Caboose: (to Tucker, in his "scary voice") Don't ever be alone.**

"That sounds terrifying." Dorothea shivered in fear.

"How is Church not picking up on that!?" Seryu asked.

"He probably doesn't care." Bulat answered.

 **Tucker: He's doing that thing again...**

 **DuFresne: My name's DuFresne... uh, are you Private Tucker?**

 **Church: No, I am not Private Tucker. My name is Church. This is Private Tucker.**

 **Tucker: Yo!**

 **Church: And our friend over there in regulation blue? That's Caboose. Or O'Malley, or whatever the hell he's callin' himself.**

 **Caboose: Why did you introduce me second?**

 **Tucker: Because he hates you.**

"And we hate you Tucker, you fucking pervert." Leone growled at the screen.

'Pot calling the kettle black.' Tatsumi thought.

"And I hate him more than Miss bugs-me-a lot about my chest and Ice Queen for trying to steal away my man." Mine slowly glared at a certain auburn hair girl and Esdeath.

Chelsea just innocently whistled a tune.

Esdeath smirked at her rival in love, "I'm pretty sure its you and the Lion girl who are trying to steal him.

"Hey I marked him first!" Leone declared.

 _Cut to DuFresne where two tombstones are seen in the background._

"Those must be Church and Tex's graves!" Tatsumi said pointing at the screen.

"They must have found some shovels." Najenda joked.

 **DuFresne: I received your call for a medic.**

 **Caboose: Medic? That was like three months ago.**

 **Tucker: Yeah, what'd you do? Crawl all the way here?**

Akame and Kurome nearly choked on their food and Leone spit her alcohol out.

"Three months?!" Mine shrieked

"Who in the hell is running this army!?" Tatsumi asked in disbelief.

Esdeath glared at the screen. "Whoever sent him should be whipped for-"

"Esdeath can you really be surprised of this blunder after they sent a tank to a squad that no one could drive?" Najenda asked.

"Good point." The Ice General sighed.

"Not to mention the close proximity of the bases." Bulat added.

 **DuFresne: I came as quickly as I could. Where's the patient?**

 **Church: Well, she's about fifty yards behind you and six feet straight down.**

 _DuFresne turns around and sees the tombstones._

 **DuFresne: Oh. (turns back to the Blues) I'm sorry about your loss.**

 **Church: What? Oh, yeah. Yeah, thanks, man, it was tough but, well, what're you gonna do...**

The paired graves gave Tatsumi a solemn look as they reminded him of Ieysau and Sayo.

Leone saw his face and immediately recognized that look. She rubbed his thigh in a comforting manner. Mine did the same to his other thigh.

 **Caboose: We didn't like her very much. (whispers loudly) She was mean to other people.**

 **DuFresne: Who's in the other grave?**

 **Church: That's uh, that's me. I'm in that grave.**

 **DuFresne: ...uh huh. ...of course.**

"Yeah I guess anyone would find that weird and awkward too." Wave nodded, laughing nervously.

 **Caboose: See, uh, he, got killed by this uh, crazy runaway tank.**

 **Tucker: Or by the idiot driving it.**

"That's right Caboose, don't shift the blame for your mistake." Tatsumi said.

"Well to be fair he didn't pull the trigger." Lubbock replied, defending Caboose.

"But he was the one who activated that auto fire thingy." Sheele pointed out.

"Well you can't exactly fault someone for learning to drive the tank." Bols said.

 **Caboose: Oh yeah, and then he became, uh, this really mean ghost, and uh, took over a Mexican robot's body, uh... oh! And then we had to uh, oyathatsright, spray paint him, ah, to make him blue, and now he is alive again, and he is a bionic man. ...who ...is blue.**

 **Tucker: Right, and it took us six weeks to get his Spanish setting turned off.**

 **Church: (click) No esta completamente apagado, pendejo.**

 _Caption: Not entirely turned off, moron._

Everyone save for Stylish and Susanoo chuckled or outright laughed a little at Church's insult.

"Man, Church is a master at insulting people." Leone said in between snickers.

"No matter what language he's speaking." Chelsea giggled.

 **Tucker: (sighs) I'll go get the Spanish dictionary.**

 **DuFresne: Wait, so, no one here is hurt?**

 **Church: (click) No, we're fine. In fact, I feel better than ever. See now whenever these two idiots really start to bug me, I can always just turn my ears off. Couldn't do that before.**

"Hey Susanoo can you do that?" Seryu asked.

"I cannot." He answered.

 **Caboose: You said they were shorting out.**

 **Church: (click) I'm sorry, what was that Caboose? I CAN'T HEAR YOU.**

Dr. Stylish crossed his arms in contemplation about Church's situation. The mad scientist more or less accepted coming back as a ghost. But then he possessed Lopez, Stylish began to doubt Church was actually a ghost and theorized that he may be an A.I., but he hasn't voiced it yet.

 **DuFresne: Well then let me just check you two out, and I'll be on my way.**

 **Tucker: Whoooa... check us out? Is this gonna be one of those things where I have to turn my head and cough?**

 **DuFresne: (holding up a medical scanner) No, I'm just gonna check your vitals.**

"That looks more like a weapon than a medical device... either way it raises my curiosity." Dr. Stylish said.

"Well remember when we watched Death Battle the other day? Master Chief vs Doomguy?" Tatsumi said

"Yeah I'm pretty sure that's the plasma pistol." Run said.

 **Caboose: (to Tucker) I bet I have better vitals than you! (to Church) ...What's a vital?**

Everyone either groaned, shook their heads, rubbed their temples or palmed their faces at Caboose's apparent idiocy.

 **Church: On your way? I don't think so, bud. Aren't you here to join our squad?**

 **DuFresne: No, I'm just here to help out with Tex, and then assist in the canyon as needed.**

 **Church: First of all, great job on the Tex thing. Mission accomplished. Secondly, the way that we need you to assist is to help us kill all the Reds.**

 **DuFresne: Well, even if my orders didn't prohibit me from doing that, I still wouldn't. I joined the army as a conscientious objector.**

 **Tucker: A conshe- who?**

 **DuFresne: I'm a pacifist.**

"A pacifist? Really?" Esdeath asked dryly.

Behind Bols mask was a smile that would've lit up the whole Empire as he is impressed of this man's dedication to abstaining from violence, even in a war zone.

 **Caboose: You're a thing that babies suck on...?**

 **Tucker: No, dude, that's a pedophile.**

"I'm wanna kill him over and over again." Mine gritted her teeth while her hands made strangling motions...

"OUCH!" Tatsumi yelped.

... which turned out to be on Tatsumi's arm.

 **Church: Tucker, I think he means a pacifier.**

 **Tucker: Oh yeah, right. Man, I was totally thinking about something else.**

 **Church: That's real classy, Tucker.**

 **DuFresne: (finishing his scan) Well, everyone here checks out. I'll come back and check on you before I leave the canyon. Can you tell me which way to the Red Base?**

 **Tucker: Why? You said you weren't gonna fight 'em.**

 **DuFresne: I'm not. Resources are low so I'm on loan to both armies to help whichever side needs me at the time.**

"Wait... on loan from who exactly?" Run asked.

"Is there some neutral party or organization that provides medical support?" Bols scratched his head or rather the creepy mask.

"There has to be if he's helping both armies." Najenda surmised.

 **Church: Man, that is so freakin' lame.**

 **DuFresne: I'm just gonna go to Red Base and see if they need any help.**

 **Church: Well, if you're gonna go up to Red Base, I'd recommend putting away that little medical thingy of yours. They see you walking up carrying that thing, they're gonna shoot it right out of your hand.**

 _DuFresne's medical scanner gets shot._

 **Church: Yeah, just like that.**

 _Another shot goes between DuFresne and Church._

 **Church: Scatter!**

 _Cut to Sarge and Donut in the middle of the canyon. Donut is using a sniper rifle._

"Finally! Somebody who know how to use a sniper rifle." Mine said, smiling with pride.

"Finally, we get some action... that will probably be humorous." Lubbock said.

 **Sarge: Nice shot, cupcake.**

 **Donut: Thanks, Sarge!**

 **Simmons: (firing his machine gun a few times) Oh that's right, suck it, Blue!**

 **Grif: (standing up in front of Simmons) Yeah, sneak attack!**

"Oh great its the kiss ass and the fat ass." Leone sighed.

 **Simmons: Sit down, you dumbass, I can't see.**

 **Sarge: Hike up yer knickers, fellas. Let's go get 'em.**

(End episode)


	24. Motion to Adjourn

_Firefight outside the Blue Base._

 **Church: Okay, Tucker, I need you to get up there, help Caboose shore up the defence, establish a suppressing fire, and hold that position until further notice.**

 **Tucker: I didn't even know what half of that meant.**

"And just when Church tries to take command, Tucker's brain stops functioning." Najenda shook her head.

"I have a new reason to kill him." Mine glowered.

"You took the words right out of my mouth." Esdeath agreed with the pink sniper.

"Seriously, what's not easy to understand what Church wanted him to do?" Wave asked in disbelief.

"Why doesn't Church just fire back? I mean he's got cover right there." Seryu pointed out.

"And now they're just gonna stand there and talk." Chelsea said crossing her arms and shaking her head.

 **Church: Just go over to Caboose's rock, and fire your gun a bunch.**

 **Tucker: That rock? Yeah, I don't think so.**

 **Church: We do not have time to discuss this.**

 **Tucker: Sure, no time for you to discuss it. You get to hang out here with Nancy No-Bullets shootin' the breeze. Meanwhile, I'm out there, running around, eating a machine gun sandwich.**

Akame did not know whether or not to find a machine gun sandwich revolting or delicious.

"Why does Tucker feel the need to argue with every plan Church has?" Tatsumi asked.

"Because he sucks at being a soldier." Lubbock mockingly replied.

"I wonder if this is going to be a thing between them?" Chelsea said.

"A running gag you mean?" Cosmina raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah something like that." Chelsea shrugged.

 **Church: Tucker, we're gonna give you covering fire.**

 **Tucker: Covering fire? Unless that means you're gonna build a huge, bullet-proof wall between me and them, I think you need to come up with a new plan. Preferably one that involves me keeping the same quantity of blood that I have right now.**

 **Church: (Sarcastically) No problem. Oh wait wait, does the blood have to be in your body?**

"Off course it has to be in his body." Mez said wryly.

"He's just being sarcastic, Mez." Dorothea said.

"You know what's funny? Last season Tucker refused to go through the teleporter and Church threatened to shoot him." Bulat said with a small grin.

"I see where you are going at; they're kinda doing the same thing now." Bols said.

 _Zoom to Grif and Simmons firing their respective machine guns at the Blues._

 **Grif: Simmmonns... I-I can'tt ffeeel my handdds.**

"So incompetent." Esdeath shook her head in distaste.

"Yeah but those guns must be very powerful." Mine bit her lip, wondering how they would feel going off in her hands.

"If only the Revolutionary Army had them." Najenda sighed.

"Maybe we can replicate them to Susanoo." Lubbock suggested.

"I'm interested." Susanoo answered.

 **Simmons: Maybe you should lay off the trigger, you dumbass.**

 _Zoom back to Church._

 **Church: Alright you, Doc, get over there and help Caboose!**

 **DuFresne: My name isn't Doc, it's DuFresne.**

"What a weird name he has. DuFresne." Kurome commented.

"I wonder how you spell it." Sheele wondered, scratching her head.

 **Church: Yeah. I can't pronounce that, so from now on, your name is Doc.**

 **DuFresne: I'm not really comfortable with that. I'm not a doctor, I'm a medic.**

 **Tucker: What's the difference?**

 **DuFresne: Well, a doctor cures people. A medic just makes them more comfortable... while they die.**

Everyone except Susanoo either did a double take, jaw dropped or shuddered at the job description,

"N-no t-thats how that works." Run stuttered.

"Good thing I can reattach a limb." Leone said with pride.

 **Tucker: Mental note: don't ever get shot.**

"Great mental note Tucker." Seryu deadpanned.

"That's probably the best mental note ever." Lubbock commented.

"I'm getting a premonition that something is gonna happen to Tucker later on." Akame prophesied

 **Church: It's settled then. Your name is now Doc.**

 **DuFresne: Alright, but I don't think it'll stick.**

 _Background goes grayscale and DuFresne slides further to the foreground while DOC slides across behind him, with Trocadero's dramatic music playing._

"I can't get over how cool that is." Tatsumi said.

"Why didn't they add him during the intro?" Susanoo asked.

"Who knows. Nothing wrong with a few surprises." Sheele shrugged.

"Oh, and trust us Doc, it'll stick." Mine sarcastically commented.

 **Tucker: Oh, trust us, it'll stick.**

"Oh look an echo." Leone teased the pink sniper, who growled at her in response.

 **Church: Now get over to Caboose, and help him hold that position.**

 **Doc: I don't have a gun, I'm a pacifist.**

 **Church: Well then just get over there and yell "bang bang bang".**

 **Doc: Eh, I don't know. Even that sounds pretty aggressive.**

"Pussy." Leone said.

"Pathetic weakling." Esdeath said with loathing in her voice.

"Well what good would that do in a battle situation?" Cosmina asked.

 **Tucker: Oh, come on.**

 **Doc: Besides, I'm not supposed to get involved unless someone gets hurt.**

 **Church: Huh. I see.**

 _Church turns toward Caboose and very deliberately raises his gun, then fires one shot._

 **Caboose: Ahow! My foot...**

Everyone save Susanoo and Kurome gasped.

Church shooting Caboose shocked everyone and angered Esdeath, for she valued the lives of her subordinates.

"He fucking shot Caboose?!" Seryu exclaimed looking pissed.

"What the hell Church!?" Suzuka growled.

"That's just Church being an amazing asshole." Lubbock said.

"You know what's amazing about that? He couldn't hit Donut with the sniper rifle last season but he was able to hit Caboose just now." Leone pointed out.

"He's wearing that Spartan Mark V armor, shouldn't that have protected him?" Stylish asked.

"I think the writers are being flexible." Run theorized.

 **Church: Well, looks like Caboose has hurt himself. Maybe you should get over there and help him, Doc.**

 **Doc: You know, you could have just asked nicely.**

 _Zoom to the Reds._

 **Simmons: Ah crap, I'm out. Give me some ammunition, Grif.**

 **Grif: Me? I don't have any extra. I'm down to one bullet.**

 **Simmons: Wha- How can that be? You're the one who carries all the extra rounds in to battle.**

 **Grif: Wait, since when?**

 **Simmons: Since the last staff meeting.**

 **Grif: We actually talk about stuff in those things? I just fall asleep inside my helmet.**

"They probably must waste time during most of their meetings." Najenda said before puffing on her cigar.

"Never mind the incident with the Warthog, this is Grif's biggest fuck up!" Tatsumi shouted.

"I wonder what Sarge will do to him." Dorothea pondered.

"Well it's not entirely his fault. Sarge and the rest of the team should have noticed something easily seen such as a fat ass armored soldier sleeping without his helmet." Stylish said.

"Still it was his responsibility to know his duties. Sleeping is inexcusable." Esdeath said giving the screen a dark look.

"Well it wouldn't really matter considering they just wasted all of their ammo the first time." Akame said before eating some meat.

"Yeah whats up with that!? I take back what I said. Donut could have made the perfect shot and he wasted it!" Mine growled.

 **Simmons: Well, you missed your job assignment, and now we have no ammo.**

 **Grif: What's your job?**

 **Simmons: Me? I'm the Social Chairman.**

"Social chairman? What events could they organize if they live in a backwater canyon?" Bols asked.

"I think Ass Kisser would be accurate." Mine snarked.

 **Sarge: Grif. Me and Treasurer Donut are empty. We need some clips.**

 **Simmons: Hey Grif, you remember that one bullet you have left? I thought of the perfect way you can use it.**

"Grif's blunder reminds me of this one guy when I was in the navy. Except he was flogged for it." Wave said, shuddering at the thought.

"He deserves to kill himself." Kurome deadpanned.

 _Zoom to Doc and Caboose._

 **Doc: I'm here Caboose, where're you hit?**

 **Caboose: Ah, ow, ow, ow, my foot, my foot!**

 **Doc: The left foot?**

 **Caboose: Ah, left. Let's see, that makes an L with this thumb and...**

"Of course he can't tell left from right." Mine face palmed.

"Kinda reminds me of you Sheele." Leone teased the airhead.

 **Doc: I'm just gonna assume it's the bleeding one.**

 **Caboose: Yeah, the red one. Aeh. I can't believe Church shot me.**

 **Church: Oh don't even start, Caboose! (echoing)**

"Despite being a great shot, Caboose kinda deserves it for shooting Church." Mine said.

"But I say again; unlike Church he didn't pull the trigger." Lubbock said, pointing his finger up.

"And Church intended to shoot him." Bols pointed out.

"Still Caboose needs to take responsibility for the second time." Akame said.

"Then again... Church did not say anything about possessing one of the Reds when he made the plan." Najenda commented.

"Plus he was aiming for Sarge that kind of win." Lubbock added.

 **Doc: Anything else?**

 **Caboose: Uh, well wha?**

 **Doc: You have a bullet wound in the foot. Is anything else wrong?**

 **Caboose: Uh... Oh, I got one. Uh, well, sometimes when I fall asleep at night I think about my parents having sex, and I get really really mad for some reason.**

"Wow... too much information." Mine said uncomfortably.

"Yeah... I'm gonna need a few nights with Tatsumi." Leone said jumping up into his lap, wrapping her arms around his neck and pressing her large breasts against his chest.

"Uh..." Tatsumi sat there blushing unable to form words or thoughts for this situation.

"What do you say Tatsumi." Leone sultrily asked.

Esdeath and Mine glared at her for trying to get ahead of them. Akame, Chelsea, Mez, Dorothea, Cosmina, and Suzuka looked at the scene feeling jealous.

"Leone, don't use Caboose's stupidity as an excuse to get close to Tatsumi." Mine seethed through her teeth as attempted to get the busty blonde off of the boy in question.

"All's fair in love and war. Isn't that right Ice Queen?" Leone looked at Esdeath.

Esdeath glare turned into a smile. "Hmm, I know all about war but as for love I suppose this could be a learning experience.

 **Doc: ...Okay I'm just gonna start with the foot.**

 **Caboose: Okay.**

 _Zoom to Tucker and Church._

 **Tucker: Hey dude, why aren't the Reds firing?**

 **Church: I don't know, maybe they're outta ammo.**

 **Sarge: Hey, Blues! We are giving you a chance to surrender!**

 **Church: Surrender?**

(End episode)

 **A/N: I want to give my thanks to Bismarck Alexander for looking over my chapters as my beta and Happy New Year! ^_^**


End file.
